he wants space...i dont understand :(
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he wants space...i dont understand :(
| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:25am |
by bf and i have been together for 2 years. it's been very serious, we've talked about the future and things have been really great for the longest time. just recently he told me he was unhappy, that our relationship had lost its spark and that we're becoming too much like best friends. we haven't slept together in over a week and i know when that happens we both feel disconnected from one another. he told me that maybe we should take a break, take time for ourselves and just have space. i GUESS i understand, i'm not sure if i feel the same way. he told me that i'm the one, he promised and i have no reasons at all not to trust him. he said it wasn't about seeing other women it's just something he feels he needs to do and he asked me to trust him. he said that this is for the future and that he needs to get it out of his system. however, he's been coming around every day. i know this is a hard decision for him and we've talked about it for hours. i'm just so scared that we wont get back together...i have faith and hope and i know that i should take time for my self too, but it's all just so awkward. what do i do? i want him to do what he needs to do, i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm devastated and i know i'm keeping a lot of it inside because our families are so close, as are our friends. no one knows and he's really not acting any different. What's going on??? i want to trust him...please help.

First of all, I know that you dont feel like going out and getting on with your own life right now, but honey that would be the best thing for you instead of pining over "Will it be today? Tomorrow?" Force yourself at first, then it will be easier when the pain lessens. One of the most important things that youc an stress is "I dont need you to have a good life, I merely choose you as a good PART of my life." Seeing you cry all the time or moping and not doing anything but waiting for him will normally not have the desired effect. It can in fact make it to where he thinks that you are too dependant on him. You dont want to project that, you dont need to EVER BE that to him. We all love deeply but there has to be a point where you say, "OK, me time..." Never, even if you think they more than deserve it, make someone the absolute center of your life - that should be your goals and hopes and fears and such.
It could easily be that you two got far enough into an uncomfortable zone for him, which was that it was too easy for him to get very serious. If he is not ready for that, then of course he's going to try to distance himself to shut his heart up so he can think on the aspects of the relationship properly.
Do yourself some favors, no matter if you want to or not. Dont call all the time, let him miss you and call you, let him do all the stopping by and the talking about the relationship, because he is the one that wanted the distance to do so, leave him be or you're going to send him away. Lastly, do NOT have sex with him until things are back to committed ground because if you do, he will take advantage of that and merely take that and still keep you in a distanced position. If he has distanced you to "friends" then treat him as you would a friend, EVEN if it makes your stomach cramp with the frustration of it. Show him that as friends, you do not have sex, that you see that as part of the relationship and not friendship. Lines are confused enough for him, dont make that worse, it will get you more hurt. Dont push, dont nag, dont cry, instead remind him of how much he has admired you and cared for you because you are an intelligent and caring person. Until you two are formally back together, do not do what you would in a committed relationship and do NOT break plans with others to be with him. Why? Because this will put "friendship" in its place and it will remind him that in a committed relationship, THAT was when you focused on his needs, friends meet up when they dont have other things going on.
Many of the cards in this are in your hands if you play them right. Dont, DONT be too available. Make him think about things. Make him see what friends are. Make him remember how the committment was. If you act the same way broken up as you did dating, he will just use that - it happens more than you know. Stand up for your wants, whether he comes back or not. You owe that to yourself.
I know you are hurting right now, confused, upset, and lost. We all feel that after a relationship ends in this vein, but you really need to use this time to your benefit also. It may well turn out that after the hurt pride and such, you realize that he did you an enormous favor.
I agree that you shouldnt involve the family at all - if you two would end up back together, parents are less forgiving when someone hurts their child - no matter who.BUT I dont agree with holding it inside either. Go to a friend who isnt closely involved, go to a counselor, preacher, or such and get an unbiased opinion and thoughts. They can make a world of good.
Take care