He Will Break Up With Me If I Don't Go
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| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:58am |
My boyfriend said he will break up with me if I don't go to his brother's wedding in May. We have lived together for a year so I am not just some casual girlfriend and I get along pretty good with his brother but the fiance is a raging bitch. I have tried my hardest to be nice to her but she doesn't like me and she is friend's with my boyfriend's ex-wife. She had this great idea that my boyfriend should be the best man in the wedding. This means he will be paired up with a brides maid, he'll have to sit at the head table, he'll be taking part in all of the wedding party activities and whatever.
I do not like weddings. I suffer from social phobia and it is very difficult for me to sit in a room full of people I do not know and I do not drink alcohol either. I do not know anyone who will be at this wedding and even if I did, Bridezilla would most definitely make sure I was seated with strangers because that's how much she doesn't like me.
I just don't want to go to this wedding but my boyfriend is freaking out and he is saying that if I don't go that he will break up with me. The thought of having to go to this wedding makes me so uncomfortable and I get bad anxiety thinking about it. I even offered to meet him there and then stay for a few hours and then go home and he said that is not acceptable. He wants me to go to the rehearsal dinner, the wedding and the reception. He even said that he expects me to go to the bridal shower. I haven't even been invited to it yet. I have never met the fiance's family and from what I hear they are snoby and look down on people who aren't good enough for them. The whole thing sucks.
I think that my boyfriend should be more understanding but he says I am being selfish and that people are gonna talk about how weird I am if I don't show up. I could care less what people think but he seems to be worried about it. Is it wrong for me to not want to go to this wedding?
Any suggestions?

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Is this the first instance of your boyfriend exhibiting overly controlling and manipulative behavior? It doesn't sound very loving at all that he would want to force you to go and be miserable. If he's worried about how things will look, then he should be quite worried about the possibility of you going into a full scale anxiety attack in the middle of all this.
If he's always telling you what to do and trying to control you and force you to do things against your will, then maybe this should serve as notice that it's time to consider ending the relationship. Even if it's his first time acting so insane towards you, if he'd break up because you refuse to obey his orders, that's still a bad sign about what sort of person he is.
Does he always threaten to leave you when conflict arises? What is your relationship like outside of this?
I could understand him being disappointed that you don't want to go to the wedding, but it seems like a weird thing to break up over. Have you asked him why it's so important to him that you attend?
Another thing that I find strange is that he isn't willing to compromise. As a fellow social phobic, I think your idea of "to meet him there and then stay for a few hours and then go home" is great. That would also be my strategy. I anticipate social situations much better when I know that I have a possible escape route if I'm not feeling well. You'd think that after being with you for so long, your boyfriend would have a better understanding of social phobia.
If you want to keep the peace go to the wedding, my suggestion would be to get your boyfriend to intruce you to various guests beforehand so that you can meet them and get to know them in a less threatning setting. However, I would be wary of a man who threatens to leave over something like this and refuses to compromise.
A thought just came to me, though. Do you always back out of possible social situations? If you do, this may just be the straw breaking the camel's back. Even the most understanding person would eventually become irritated with a partner who never faces their fears.
Your wish not to go to the wedding or participate in all the activities because of your social phobia is understandable, but you are certainly making more anxiety for yourself by imputing unpleasant motives to others. The fiancee is a raving bitch who dislikes you intensely, her family are snobs, etc. No matter how sure you are that these things are true, you are just increasing your anxiety by dwelling on them.
Also, social anxiety is a treatable condition, but we're not hearing anything about any treatment you're receiving. Are you taking medication? Do you see a therapist? It is frightening to have to deal with your anxiety head-on, but the fact is, you will not be able to function normally in social groups until you do, and the people who are most impacted by the situation are virtually guaranteed to run out of patience at some point.
If you haven't visited your doctor yet, please do. When you feel better and are happier, your whole life will move along more smoothly.
I don't see any reason why you can't make some sort of compromise with your bf that both of you would be happy about. If you don't receive any invite to the bridal shower, than don't go. I would think you bf would understand that if she wanted you to go to the bridal shower that she would invite you.
Does he often threaten to break up with you if you don't do things he wants you to do?
I also think it is good advice to see a therapist for your social anxiety if it is affecting your life this strongly. Perhaps medication would make this better for you.
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Well, it seems as though your boyfriend considers you a serious girlfriend and wants to make you part of the entire family scene. Take a deep breath and get over your anxiety. But, you do have the right to insist that the two of you sit together. It's crazy that he would be paired up with someone else for the seating. He can be the best man, but if you go with him, you are to sit with him as well. Let him know that this is the condition under which you will go.
It seems as though your boyfriend wants a partner who will be a full partner in all activities. If you want to move this relationship forward, I think it's a good idea to go. Sooner or later you have to get over your social anxiety. It's a good time to start now. He's not being selfish here, he's wanting to see that you can truly be a partner he can share life with.
Best wishes,
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I'm going to present the flip side of this arguement. You see, one of the reasons I broke up with my ex husband was because of his social phobia.
I grew tired of him always wanting to avoid social situations. He even got so bad that he would refuse to go to the movies with me or accompany me doing groceries. I hated having to lie to friends about why he wasn't with me at events. He could function OK at work, but when the weekend/evening came, he'd turn into a hermit.
I was understanding to a point, but his refusal to make any positive changes to his life wore me down in the end.
If he had refused to attend a family wedding from beginning to end, I probably would have presented him with the same ultimatum. It would be the straw to break the camel's back.
It may sound callous of me to be so blunt, but I believe that we all need to find a partner who has a similar outlook on life. Someone who wants to enjoy life in the same way we do.
HI there zombie.
The two of you are trading ultimatums. That's not a good way to resolve conflict.
If this is a relationship that you take seriously: Your boyfriend wants you to be with him at his brother's wedding. In the grand scheme of things, I'd say bite your toungue and go to the wedding because its only one afternoon (or evening), and its a significant family affair.
You also need to think very hard -- if being around "in-law" family members that you don't like is that bothersome, and you are having trouble bringing yourself to do this, despite the fact your boyfriend has asked you, should you really be with him? What will happen if you get married? Is this an actual relationship, or are you just marking time?
If this is not a serious relationship, just end it now.
Hi zombiesugarpie and welcome to the board.
I think it's a reasonable request that you go to the wedding, HOWEVER all the other things that he's INSISTING on are really unfair in my opinion.
I hope you two can reach a compromise.
Thanks for all of the advice, I appreciate it and will take it all into consideration.
Yes, I am in therapy for anxiety and no I can't just take a breath and turn it off, and whoever said that obviously knows nothing about how bad a full blown panic attack can be.
I do not regularly use medication because I have tried them and they do not work. I do have an anti-anxiety medication that I can use if I have severe anxiety but I only use it in case of emergencies because it can become addictive and it has bad side effects. My therapist is trying cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy in my situation.
A wedding is a big deal, I can handle a movie with friends or dinner with a couple of people but I'm not ready to spend 5-6 hours at a wedding/reception. For those who do not suffer from anxiety, the feeling of being trapped with no way to leave and go to a safe place like home is like jumping off a boat into shark infested water, it's the same fear, the same feeling. Try to turn off the fear when you are in a plane that is about to crash, not gonna happen, it's the same feeling. My adrenaline and flight or fight response is triggered by certain things that seem normal to most people but it's the same real fear and there are a lot of physical symptoms that are unbearable.
My boyfriend knew about my social anxiety when we first started dating, way before we moved in together and it wasn't a problem then.
I may go to the wedding but if I have a panic attack, it will ruin his night and probably embarrass him anyway. I would rather him go with out me and have a good time instead of spending the night making sure I am ok. If that's selfish then I guess I am wrong.
How would you feel about your boyfriend/girlfriend being paired up with another woman/man? Am I wrong for feeling a little bit put off by that?
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