he will not kiss me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
he will not kiss me.
17
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 9:56pm

I have been involved with a man for about 9 years...friends, then friends with benefits, then truly together.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:14pm

Welcome to the board karrieone,


Have you sat him down and discussed what you want/need (kissing) and asked why he's opposed to it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:26pm
yes, i have talked about this with him and then he "works at it", for lack of a better phrase, for awhile and then it slowly goes back to being this way. i have told him i don't understand why he would want to be with someone he doesn't want to touch/kiss and he has no real answer except to try doing more for awhile....many times with any issue he does not speak a response so much as show a change over time in his actions, which is a good thing i guess- better than speaking words but not doing anything....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:50pm
Would he be willing to go to counseling with you to work through this?




angels


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 2:06pm

he is not a fan of counseling by any means. i doubt it. he does talk to his sister though and asks her to help him understand me and do better by me... i respect the privacy of those conversations and don't pry too much into them but i know they happen and know that he tries hard to figure himself out in the safety of that relationship. his sister is a wise woman and will occassionally pass on something extra nice he says. our other friend keeps saying it is clear he doesn't know how he feels about me, after all this time. his best friend says he loves me to death and is no good when i'm not around. it is very confusing. but when i try to step back a bit he gets very hurt, always wants me around...


i left once before over this and he just basically didn't accept it... my leaving, i mean. we talked and worked some things out but maybe jumped back in too quickly. that was a little over a year ago. his sister says his issues with real intimacy are so extreme that maybe this is the one wall he is keeping between us to keep himself safe in some way from giving all of himself to this. he used to be very selfish in relationships, doing what he wanted whenever he wanted, not bringing his girfriends places with him, etc. etc. he is nothing like that with me.


he's been burnt badly a lot of times, too.


the other thing i forgot to mention is that when with people and the talk turns to sex, relationships, etc. he will say things like "I love the kiss"... or sometimes he will mention our first kiss.... it all just breaks me up. and although our sex life is great i'm not sure i can keep dealing with rejection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 2:13pm

::the other thing i forgot to mention is that when with people and the talk turns to sex, relationships, etc. he will say things like "I love the kiss"... or sometimes he will mention our first kiss.... it all just breaks me up.


So he wants to participate and wants to be seen in a good light, at your expense and at the risk of him knowing that you know that truth and that he's lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 2:17pm
yeah, i know. so many people are so invested in making me see how much he gives me that he hasn't given others that sometimes my own good instincts become confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 2:36pm

Yeah, I hear you. I'd be so tempted to say something.


Have you read the book: Are You the one For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis - I highly recommend it.





angels


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 11:25pm

thank you for listening. i'm a little wary of self help books but i'll give a shot to your suggestions.... if anyone else out there has any thoughts i would be so grateful.


i guess just talking/writing about it to a neutral audience is helpful in itself in sorting out my thoughts to some extent. just still so unsure what action to take at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:05pm
I understand about self-help books..... Are You the One for Me? is excellent. If you decide to venture more into self-help, pick up Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw - It has a test section to help you determine what you need in a relationship to feel loved/welcomed etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:23pm

My thought is that this is pathological on his part.

Pages