he will not kiss me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
he will not kiss me.
17
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 9:56pm

I have been involved with a man for about 9 years...friends, then friends with benefits, then truly together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:54pm

thanks, you make some good points. i do take it entirely personally, and need to work on that. i feel like i am constantly readying myself for rejection. i also do allow him to sometimes see my sadness, and he doesn't always know what i am sad about. that's on me and something i need to work on. i do try to put a little space and do my own thing a little more when the sadness seems overwhelming, partly to spare him and partly to just do some things i enjoy rather than dwell on it.


I've only ever talked to him about my feelings about this twice, and have tried to present it pretty rationally and not in a blaming way at all...but attempting to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:57pm
and also, this was never a problem for him/us until i told him i loved him, about 3 years ago....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 2:21am

I may be expressing an unpopular opinion but...

How can you know he's 'settled down in his heart and mind' when he can't even tell you that himself? Why do you want to be with someone who denies you something you so obviously crave and need? He goes to insanely great lengths in order to NOT kiss you, and he won't say "I love you" unless he's drunk. I mean, don't you want a little bit more commitment than that? You've talked about your feelings to him TWICE? You have sex ten times a week, he doesn't have to say I love you or even kiss you. Isn't this, like, a single guy's dream or something?

I'm just saying, you can't expect or assume anything of this guy because he's never made you a single promise or given you any indication at all that he's actually invested in the relationship. You seem to be really good friends who happen to be having a lot of sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 4:33pm

Unpopular opinions welcome, :) If we only gave thought or credence to the answers we liked, we'd be pretty silly, right?


You have given me some real food for thought. It is no secret that he has intimacy issues and has been burnt badly a bunch of time. Doesn't have much faith in women in general. But he has worked hard on a lot of that and come far toward me. This is like the final frontier and he's holding on to it hard. Maybe it is the dealbreaker for me. Not that I can't be patient and keep giving but that it is hurting me and my self esteem too much at this point. I just don't get it because the times he does relax in it and truly join me he seems so damn happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2008
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 9:24am

Hi karrie,


I feel your pain, I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for 4 yrs, together 7 and the last time he has kissed me passionately was about 6 1/2 YRS AGO! When we were first dating, our kisses where hot, and I am sure I told him how much kissing means to me, how stimulating it is. He even said one time, on his own, that kissing me was his "drug" I guess it was a line, or maybe just what he feels in the beginning of new relationships, but somewhere along the way he didn't have that need anymore. I would try and kiss him on the lips and he would turn his head. I was so hurt! he came up with excuses at first, he had a cold sore on his lip, I was starting to come down with a cold and he didn't want t get sick, his lips hurt from an acne medicine he was on, which I do believe, but in between all of that it still didn't happen. An he promised that after his course of medication which was about 6 months we would go back to the kissing. Well it never happened. A year or so later we were living together and I brought it up and he made the excuse of him feeling unromantic that way because he felt a little overweight. He had a couple of extra pounds around the waist but he is still hot and sexy, very athletic and I am always admiring him in everyday. (besides don't you think if he felt self conscious of the extra pounds, he wouldn't want me to give a BJ and be that close to his belly??? but he did, all the time!) Even on our honeymoon he never kissed me passionately and I let him know how upset it mad me and again he tried to use excuses, he was just tired or wasn't feeling well and wasn't in the mood to stick his tongue down my throat, well I never asked for that, and I don't like t kiss that way anyway. It was just an excuse, and I went to bed upset, the next morning he said he was sorry and promised me that we would kiss that way, I asked him to please not promise it if it wasn't going to happen. He didn't take the promise back, but he never did kiss me after that. I brought it up maybe a year later again and it was the same old thing, this time he got angry with me, and my heart died inside. I was trying to live with it but began resenting him. I always tried to fulfil his needs and I felt he didn't care about mine. I didn't expect to have a make out session all the time, I would even just be happy once in awhile even just before sex. I get no foreplay, he is selfish and lets me please him, because I am wet (sorry) he thinks that's enough. At least your man pleasures you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 10:44am

Why have you put up with a man who will not kiss you for three years?! I imagine it must make you feel a bit dead inside!

You can't change him. If he doesn't want to kiss you, there's nothing you can do to make him want to. What you can change is your action. It is very normal to want your romantic partner to kiss you. And, I consider kissing important in its own right.

You have the ability to walk away from this relationship. Even if you're not wanting marriage, you're wanting more than he can give you. And you're giving up a lot -- years that you could have been with some other guy who loves kissing you and more.

I think it's time to cut the strings with this guy.

Sorry you're hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 5:28pm
If he is not meeting your needs then you must speak up and if he chooses to not meet your needs .. just *because* .. then you should reconsider the relationship.

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