He won't be home...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
He won't be home...
15
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:05pm
Ok everyone - don't jump up and down and scream with glee...but...BF will not be home tonight.

We had a long talk last night - we are both agreed that neither of us needs to move until the end of the month. We are going to make the best of things until then. I am going to try to get into an apartment in my sister's complex, and if he stays in the place where we are now - so be it. If he moves, he moves. I told him flat out "I am not paying one more month's rent here. Period."

This morning, we got into a major stupid argument. He told me he was not going to be home tonight - I don't know where he's staying or when he'll be back. We do have some plans for the weekend, and he said he'd be home on Friday when I get home from work. It's probably best for both of us - we are so stressed out that you can cut the tension with a knife. It's not hostile or violent - just very tense.

Anyhow - one part of me is feeling relief - the other? Dread. I can't explain why. Yes, it's probably for the best - because we need a break from each other. But, I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking the worst. No, he's not cheating, no he's not GOING to cheat. But, I'm just full of anxiety and nervousness. I am not going to contact him or try to find him, and I'm going to miss him terribly. Yes, yes, yes, he's not the perfect man and yes, I know he's got major issues - but those things don't erase the feelings I have for him inside.

The relationship itself is not 'over' - we've decided to TRY and see how it will be if we live separately. We never had a chance - rather - never GAVE ourselves the chance to try a 'normal' relationship. From the time we started dating, I think we've only spent 7 nights apart. We're togethe ALL the time. He's feeling smothered - he is a loner - he told me himself that if he could, he'd hole himself up in a house and MAYBE interact with people 1 or 2 times a month. Now, me, I'm a social butterfly - I love being in the midst of people - having fun, doing things, etc...I'm feeling like I have to put MY life on hold to wait and see WHEN he wants to do something. Maybe if we are apart, the times we DO spend together will mean more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:10pm
Very likely he'll be out on a date with some other woman seeking to benefit her sexually now so that he'll have security when this liason is over. That is how this works. It's how he snared you and the beneficial situation he's in. After all, you two are over by mutual agreement - his obligations to you end, as well. So don't be too surprised if you get a full dose of his "values" per his actions in the coming weeks.

If he finds a good situation for him to be in - the end might be quiet and uneventful. She'll just move in and you're moving out, or just before. Or he'll vacate without notice or any type of incident and go right in with her.

However, if he's not in a position to have someone providing for him the closer to the end of the month you get...the thicker that tension is going to get, and the more potentially dangerous he's going to get to you both.

Been here done this....both as him, and as you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:14pm
Anyone who wants to post in response to this should first read Learningtolove's previous posts from June 3 and see if responding to her, and how, is worth your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:20pm
No, it's NOT likely that he'll be 'out on a date with some other woman seeking to benefit her sexually". He's NOT that type of man...He wasn't that type of man EVER. He's never cheated on me and while YES, I had my suspicions (ie - number in pocket situation), I have no reason to believe he's out screwing someone else. He wants to be LEFT ALONE for a while - gee, what a better way to be alone than to get entangled with another woman? Not likely.

We are not 'over' by mutual agreement - that's not even what I said!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:26pm
Oh my God. I can't read any more of your posts. You make my brain hurt. Good luck to you. You need lots of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:37pm
Look at your courtship. It was whirlwind. He was living at home with his parents at his age, and likely not liking the restrictions and requirements of it. HE wined and dined you, he romanced and sexed you - and he found his way into your life in very convenient, easy and beneficial ways for him to 'get a life and lifestyle" via your efforts.

That is his style. HE's not self-responsible - you've admitted it several times.

So if he's not going to be responsible for defining his values, living within his boundaries, adhering ot his priorities, setting and pursuing his realistic goals via reasonable methods to achieve some degree of success by his own standards...he's going to mooch off other people to "survive" at some level.

And men do that by the way he got into your life.

Just as women do the same thing with men.....putting out quick, prioritizing them completely, and getting all "invested in their future" so that the man will want to have them around.

Realize something....I've been him. He realizes his looks are one of his few appealing assets. HE realizes great sex is something he's got the potential to give. He also realizes he doesn't like to work, doesn't want to be responsible for his own success and security -and there are few options open to him but utilizing his looks and his ability to perform sexually to get himself take care of in the other fundamental and necessary ways.

And I've been you....in denial that the person I was with was strictly with me due to my willingness to placate and accept their dysfunctionality and lack of self-responsibility, and denied in full that they'd ever hurt my child, take my money, or cheat on me. Being you...is what turned me into him - because I kept trying to buy a "him and ran out of $$!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:09pm
While I agree, Erin, that continuing the relationship is just as bad as if she lived with him, not everyone is you, and I really wish things weren't so black and white with you. It's like saying men ALWAYS do this and women ALWAYS do that. Not everyone is the same, and while I thing she should leave him completely, I could guess, but would have no guarantees that he will find another woman and sleep with her just to get what he wants. He may, but you sometimes are a bit too quick to judge.

Learningtolove, I really wish you would reconsider moving out at the end of the month vs. now, or for that matter continuting this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:14pm
I thought you decided yesterday that the relationship was over, or "It is done", your words. You are in a very volatile situation, as everyone, including yourself has pointed out. And you are very much part of the problem....you're are a grown woman, a mother, acting like a teenager, Learningtolove. IMO, you need to put an end to this roller coaster ride you've jumped on, and in turn, have dragged your daughter on. Do you have custody of your daughter? Does she live with you full time? If so, I guarantee that your behavior is directly impacting your daughter, whether you choose to believe it or not. I have a 10 year old son and an 11 yr old step daughter. Kids are much smarter and much more observant than you give them credit for. I'm beginning to think that perhaps this whole situation is made up in your mind, maybe you've created and written drama that is really non-existant, for attention or something. It just seems so absurd that you contiue to post about this terrible relationship, get mad at everyone when they tell you how terrible it is, defend your bf and your own behavior, seem to see the light for about 2.2 seconds, only to post again, seeming to have heard or learned nothing from the previous day. It's whacko. If I seem harsh, I'm sorry. But maybe you should print out all your post from the last month or so, re-read them yourself and try and see how this is comming across from "our" prospective. If it wasn't you posting, what advice would you give this person? I think a reality check is in order here. For what it's worth, I wish you the best. I don't know what else to say...it seems to be pointless anyway. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:31pm
Past actions are the best indicator of future actions.

And intentions aren't actions and don't mean caca.

He's got nowhere to go but to stay where he is unable to pay the full amounts due. Or live in his car...or go home to mother and dad.

He got away from mother and dad by pursuing her...and he's going to pursue "something" else to take care of him...and it's likely to be another woman.

His past actions are the best indicator of his future actions.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:43pm
yes, likely, or possibly, but not definitely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:47pm
No, he could and does have the option to attempt to terrify her so that she refuses to leave because she believes she is in danger more by leaving...than by staying.

Been there, done that - as well. Terrifying position.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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