He won't be home...
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|Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:05pm|
We had a long talk last night - we are both agreed that neither of us needs to move until the end of the month. We are going to make the best of things until then. I am going to try to get into an apartment in my sister's complex, and if he stays in the place where we are now - so be it. If he moves, he moves. I told him flat out "I am not paying one more month's rent here. Period."
This morning, we got into a major stupid argument. He told me he was not going to be home tonight - I don't know where he's staying or when he'll be back. We do have some plans for the weekend, and he said he'd be home on Friday when I get home from work. It's probably best for both of us - we are so stressed out that you can cut the tension with a knife. It's not hostile or violent - just very tense.
Anyhow - one part of me is feeling relief - the other? Dread. I can't explain why. Yes, it's probably for the best - because we need a break from each other. But, I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking the worst. No, he's not cheating, no he's not GOING to cheat. But, I'm just full of anxiety and nervousness. I am not going to contact him or try to find him, and I'm going to miss him terribly. Yes, yes, yes, he's not the perfect man and yes, I know he's got major issues - but those things don't erase the feelings I have for him inside.
The relationship itself is not 'over' - we've decided to TRY and see how it will be if we live separately. We never had a chance - rather - never GAVE ourselves the chance to try a 'normal' relationship. From the time we started dating, I think we've only spent 7 nights apart. We're togethe ALL the time. He's feeling smothered - he is a loner - he told me himself that if he could, he'd hole himself up in a house and MAYBE interact with people 1 or 2 times a month. Now, me, I'm a social butterfly - I love being in the midst of people - having fun, doing things, etc...I'm feeling like I have to put MY life on hold to wait and see WHEN he wants to do something. Maybe if we are apart, the times we DO spend together will mean more.