He Won't Commit to Having Kids
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He Won't Commit to Having Kids
| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:27pm |
I am a 32-year-old who has been in a good relationship with a man (34) for about 5 years. We are not married, but have been living together for about 4 years. I am not particularly concerned with marriage- we are in a committed relationship and neither of us feels insecure about our commitment to each other.
Our problem is this - I want to start seriously talking about having kids, like, within the year. He doesn't seem able to tell me FOR SURE that he wants kids.
Here's the thing, though: This guy LOVES children. He has a lot of younger siblings who all adore him, whenever we are around nieces or nephews or our freinds who have children, he cannot stop playing with them. I mean, it gets to the point where I sometimes (jokingly) suggest he come join the "adult conversation." EVERYONE comments about how great he is with kids. I have never met anyone who seems to enjoy children this much, seriously.
He knows I want kids- I have made that clear throughout our relationship. But, whenever I try to pinpoint him, he starts getting vague or, worse, makes comments about how he only likes "other people's kids" or that having kids "scares" him.
I'm sure that he knows having kids is important to me, but I'm not sure he realizes how OFTEN it is on my mind these days... I am 32 after all.
What should I do?? should I give him an ultimatum or try to be patient... I have been patient for a long time. I mean, we've been together for 5 years and still aren't even engaged, which, like I said, doesn't bother me too much. But, I just feel like it's time for him to give me SOMETHING!
please advise!
Our problem is this - I want to start seriously talking about having kids, like, within the year. He doesn't seem able to tell me FOR SURE that he wants kids.
Here's the thing, though: This guy LOVES children. He has a lot of younger siblings who all adore him, whenever we are around nieces or nephews or our freinds who have children, he cannot stop playing with them. I mean, it gets to the point where I sometimes (jokingly) suggest he come join the "adult conversation." EVERYONE comments about how great he is with kids. I have never met anyone who seems to enjoy children this much, seriously.
He knows I want kids- I have made that clear throughout our relationship. But, whenever I try to pinpoint him, he starts getting vague or, worse, makes comments about how he only likes "other people's kids" or that having kids "scares" him.
I'm sure that he knows having kids is important to me, but I'm not sure he realizes how OFTEN it is on my mind these days... I am 32 after all.
What should I do?? should I give him an ultimatum or try to be patient... I have been patient for a long time. I mean, we've been together for 5 years and still aren't even engaged, which, like I said, doesn't bother me too much. But, I just feel like it's time for him to give me SOMETHING!
please advise!

If you want kids, you will have to break up with him and meet a man who wants kids!
Playing with kids IS NOT IN ANY WAY THE SAME AS HAVING AND SUPPORTING AND RAISING YOUR OWN CHILDREN FOR 23 YEARS!!!!!
Thank you for not being a "criminal" and tricking him into a pregnancy and a child that he does not want. Some women play this deception game but it bites them in the butt in the end.
If he is not 100% wild about having children, do not have one with him because you will be a single mom, raising the kid yourself. This is too hard. The kid needs two parents who are WILD about having and raising them. Not one guy who does not want children DRAGGED into it.
Good luck meeting another man who wants to marry you and wants to have children with you! This one does not want to do either.
I was a single mom for about six years (divorced) and all BUT single mother for about four (seperated for four years). Single parenthood is hard and always leaves something missing. Either you take care of their financial security as best you can, or emotional, but its near to impossible to do both fully as a single parent. Somewhere, something is always lacking. Either you stay at home and scrape by with part time jobs so that your kids can even See you, or you work full time and miss out on almost everything.
Single parenthood is not fun or easy in ANY way shape or form, that is the bald truth on it. If you have to do it, then get through as best as you can, but be smart and dont set yourself up for it.
Its not a "clock ticking", its not a burden, it is a human soul that you are supporting, enriching and raising and praying to God that you dont screw this person totally up. Unfortunately you find out if you did or not only after the damage, and the good, is done. Its quite a weight to go through, especially as a single parent. If you cant have someone to help you keep your committment, its easy to lose touch with what is really important. To me, in a dating relationship, it is even more easy than with divorce to just pick up and leave. Going through the divorce process at least is frustrating enough to where you stop and consider if its really worth it. Marriage is definitely not a guarantee, but it is at least in my mind a better shot and permanence than just 'being uncommittedly commited". You dont even have solid footing of your own, much less good footing with which to raise a child.
and then this: I have been patient for a long time. I mean, we've been together for 5 years and still aren't even engaged, which, like I said, doesn't bother me too much
I dont buy it....I think you DO want more of a commitment, and I think you view having a child as him making a commitment to you as evidenced by: But, I just feel like it's time for him to give me SOMETHING!
Getting a woman pregnant is not making a commitment. You are talking about the creation of a human being...its not time for him to "give you something". Its time for you to realize that you both want very different things.
But, you're not sure he is opposed to having kids? I mean, you've talked about it before, but with what degree of seriousness? Ultimatums aside, you've invested 5 years with this man... it's time you find out where he stands on the kid issue once and for all. Lay it all out on the table for him in a nonthreatening manner and see what he has to say. Once you talk to him and hopefully get a straight answer, it will be easier to make any decisions you need to make about your relationship. Also pay attention to his nonverbal cues and any hesitation during the conversation. Sometimes body language can be more telling than anything a person actually says.
This is coming from a woman dead-set on remaining child-free for life. I've had to end relationships with otherwise fantastic men that I had a lot of potential with because I know I don't want children and they do. There are a few solid delabreakers in relationships. Having kids is one of them...
First, He is not 100% opposed to having kids. In fact, often times he feels like he really WANTS to have them. Perhaps I didn't make that clear in the first post. I know a lot of men go through the same dilemma my boyfriend is going through: we'll lose our freedom, we'll lose our sleep, we'll lose everything being just about "us". I feel these fears, too, isn't that totally natural?! My problem is I am ready to start thinking of a semi-concrete time to have kids (sometime in the next year or so)and he is still thinking a lot about those fears.
Secondly, a few people have expressed concerned that we are not married and some have advised me that I should NEVER have kids unless I'm married. My boyfriend and I, although not married, have talked about our commitment to each other. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together and, honestly, I do not think a marriage certificate is necessary for that. The main reason I think marriage (and this is sort of off topic, but it may be important if you are to try to understand our relationship) is important is b/c it gives you an opportunity to stand up in front of friends and family and pledge your love to each other. I know several couples who have been together for years and years (20+ in one case), have kids together, bought homes together, etc. and never got married. I think many progressive people do not see marriage as a necessary step for a commitment. Look at all the gay/lesbien couples who have been together for years and are not married. Are they less of a couple? Are they less committed to each other?
Lastly, some of you have said that it's clear this boyfriend does not want to be married to me or have kids with me. Something that might help people understand him/us better is the fact that he has a lot of "baggage" about marriage and families. He came from a really screwed up family (bad parents), got married and divorced when he was in his early 20s (which really affected him), and has seen his siblings make mistakes with marriage/kids. But, given all that, he is an incredibly loving, caring, warm person who has really strong relationships with his siblings, his friends and me. So, part of the reason I have been patient with him is b/c he has had a lot to overcome and I am grateful that he has come as far as he has.
Anyway... not sure if any of this helps people give me advice. But, after reading the responses, I felt like some more "background" on us was needed.
Thanks again everyone!