He won't forgive me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
He won't forgive me
16
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 2:50am
My boyfriend of over a year is having a hard time forgiving me for a mistake I made last New Years Eve. We had decided to stay home and later we got into an arguement and I left mad and went to the bar where I worked. We split up for a couple of weeks over the bad decision I made. He still called me almost everyday when we were split and decided to reconcile. Since then, we have had no sex but we still spent lots of time together. He told me he was still mad and time would tell. Six months later, one night after we had been fishing I brought up the subject. He told me he still hadn't gotten over what I had done and that I was like all other women and I was sure to do it again. He's been burned terribly in the past and says he refuses to ever let that happen to him again. We have split up again, but he still calls me almost every day and says he's trying to get over this. Before the mistake we were so close and so happy. We both felt like we had finally found someone to spend the rest of our lives with. Have I ruined it? Is there any way to prove to him I genuinly love him and the last thing I ever want to do hurt him again? I'm so hurt and confused, I just want things to be good again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:32am
I think he's using it as an excuse to avoid other issues he has with you. Tell him if he wants space that's fine but he cannot call you or contact you until he is ready to forgive you and move forward. Tell him you won't date anyone else for the next two months but please not to call unless that is the message.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:01am
I'm not sure if he has other issues with me, I think the main problem is not wanting to get hurt again. When I first met him he was building his 1 bedroom log cabin with no closets. He intended this to be for only him, he purposely built it this way because he never planned on anyone living there with him. The only other thing I can think of is he doesn't want any kids and I happen to have a 16 year old daughter that is always disrespecting me. Since he is my best friend, I always go to him for help. We've talked about this and we know that until she graduates and moves off we will keep separate households. We've already talked about adding on to the cabin one day--at least a closet!

I think he calls because he still loves me and doesn't want to let go-do you think Im right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:56am
Your boyfriend doesn't forgive you because you had a fight six months ago and you went off by yourself for a bit?

Did you sleep with someone else at this bar, perhaps? If not, his reaction is entirely unwarranted. It proves he's controlling, angry, makes a profession of taking offense, and nurtures grudges.

YOU haven't "ruined" it. It never was right to begin with. And you'll never be able to prove to such a person that you genuinely love him.

So don't try.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:13am
I didn't sleep with anyone else, in fact as soon as I got there I just wanted to go back to his house. I had no fun and caused ill feelings to boot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:20am
I think that even best friends shouldn't be constant therapists/advisers. If he is your best friend that means you need to respect his boundaries. Don't be so dependent on him especially because he seems to need space - it could be that you two are not on the same page. We are ALL afraid of getting hurt again - the only relevant issue is whether being close to someone is worth that risk - it is to you, might not be to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:21am
Sounds to me like he's trying to blame the whole thing on you. After all, it take;s two people to have an argument. What were you arguing over in the first place? If either of you didn't cheat, and this was just a clash of "values or ideas" I would hate to see how he would react if it was something major. I mean, 6 mon. of not being able to forgive you? Give me a break, and as far as him being burned in the past....he has no right to drag " dirty laundry" into your relationship, after all, you're a diff. person. I don't think he would like you acusing him of being a cheater if your past boyfriends were guilty of that. He need's to grow up, and stop taking it out on you.

Tell him no phone calls untill he makes a decision.Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:29am
Your right, if he loved me he wouldn't bring the past into this relationship. I think he began to feel vulnerable and looked for an excuse. Why does he keep calling and being concerned about how I am doing? Seems if he is done with the relationship he would distance himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:43am


Have you ever seen the way a doctor amputates a limb? He doesn't just chop it off. He's got to consider all the nerves, the blood vessles, muscles, etc.

Same with a relationship. It's rare that you find a break that's completely clean. Of course he has feelings for you. He's a jerk but jerks have feelings, too.

But feelings aren't going to make a relationship work with this guy. Stop thinking about why he is calling YOU and think about why you want to be in a relationship with someone that wants to punish you for something small that happened six months ago, something I wouldn't even say is an offense.

Controlling abusive men cultivate relationships with women who will tiptoe around them, women who will agonize over how to keep them happy, and blame themselves for screwing up when he's not. This is why he's calling. But that's not the big question. The big question is:

Why are you that woman?

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:45am
I really have to agree here. I can't see where you did anything wrong here, I can't see where this is any kind of "mistake" that you made that would "ruin" a relationship. A healthy, mature person wouldn't be acting like this over someone leaving a fight. If he'd react like this over something so minor, and something that you had every right to do, not even something "wrong", how will he react to REAL life issues between couples. I'd say he's the one ruining things. If this were me, I'd tell the guy to get a grip or forget it. Actually, I probably would have left within a month of this infantile behavior. I agree with this poster that this guy is probably an angry, controlling person. Those types often make mountains out of molehills taking offense to little to nothing and hold grudges about it. Please reconsider keeping such an unhealthy, destructive person around and think about getting a person who's capable of having a healthy relationship with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:52am
I guess I'm this woman because I believe that we love each other(or "loved") He is quite different than any other men I've been with and he showed me how to have a better life. We have so many things in common and he such a good man, I just hate the idea of throwing away a good thing.

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