He Won't Go To Marriage Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-1999
He Won't Go To Marriage Counseling
3
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:23pm
I am at a loss right now. I feel isolated and depressed. My husband doesn't listen to me or respond to my needs very often. Instead he blames our problems on my on-going medical anxiety issues.

I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted to leave him. I was that frustrated. I told him later that maybe we should try marriage counseling. He agreed so I made an appointment and we went.

The lady we saw started out by saying that in order for insurance to pay for our sessions, one of us had to have some sort of medical mental issue. So I told her that I had been been battling an anxiety disorder and some depression for most of my life. She said "Well that would definitely cover it". But as we talked and i began to air my issues like not getting help around the house or being shot down when I suggested something to him, she asked my Husband if he thuoght we had problems. H sat there like a bump on a log and said, "I don'tknow. I guess there are a few things we could work on".

She ended our session by saying that I had to deal with my mental issues as she is a marriage counselor and only deals with the marriage. So we should go home and talk about it and whether or not we wante to continue seeing her then get back to her.

That's it. Nothing else, no seeming desire to want to see us again. Up to us.

I left feeling really sad and angry. I knew my Husband would take what she said about my mental issues and run with it. So I calld her up this morning and told her how I felt. She simply said she thought we should talk about what we wanted out of marriage therapy. Well that's not the way I heard it.

Anyway, I took her advice and tried to talk to my Husband this evening about what had happened and told him that I thought we still really needed counseling for our marriage. Of course he said, "Well she said she thought we didn't need marriage counseling and it's you who needs help. You asked me to go so I went". That's it.

I'm mystified and angry. It doesn't seem like he wants to work on this marriage at all! He wants to blame everything on me. His big deal is our messy house which is also a big deal with me. I have explained to him over and over that I didn't grow up around the tidiest people so I may need help learning how to keep house. And I think we should share responsabilities like cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. Right now I'm usually the one who does that unlss he has friends coming over. I don't have many frineds here, but the ones I do have I have never had over because the house is always such a wreck and I can't seem to get a handle on it. It's embarrassing. I try to tidy up but it's hard. Especially with the baby demanding most of my attention.

A few weeks ago I was in a car accident while driving his pickup truck. A small 2 seater made in the 80's. SOmeone rear-ended me and my head went through the back glass. I ended up with a concussion and whip-lash. Our other car has since been wrecked and is in the shop and we have no idea when it will be finished. We only had his pick-up to get around (we have a rental now). After driving that pick-up, though, it dawned on me that it might not be the safest place for our Son, so I asked him not to take the Baby in it. He's 9 months old and still sits in a backward facing seat. the only place to put him is in the front next to the door. I asked my Husband not to put him in there because I was afraid that if he were hit on that side the baby might be badly injured. The truck is basically the size of a small car and sits very low. A good slam from a truck or SUV could really hurt him. Instead of listening to me he called me crazy and said I was being unreasonable. It's things like this that make me angry. He kept coming up with these scenarios like, "So your saying that any child that has to sit by a door is unsafe. So basically when we get our regular car back we shouldn't have any other children with car seats in the car who can't sit in the middle. So basically your saying that I'M not even safe in my truck".

To tell you the truth, if we could afford it I wish he had a better truck to get around in. SOmething safer with airbags and no I don't feel confortable with any child sitting next to a window especially in such a flimsy car with no anti-lock brakes or any other safety features. But I'm not uneasonable. Of course if it can't be avoided and we have to put children next to the door in our regular car, that's just the way it is. I told him I cared about him and wished he didn't have to drive it, but my child doesn't HAVE to be in there. Maybe if it were an emergency. He just kept arguing with me and calling me crazy until I finally relented. But it's arguments like these that happen all the time that make me feel as though he doesn't take anyting I say into account and uses my anxiety disorder as an excuse to ignore me. Or doesn't care that the house is a mess until HIS frineds come over, and even then only a little. Where as I feel the house is a reflection of me as a wife and a mother and I want to try and maintain it. I just don't know where to begin. Like I said, I'm not very good at this. I know his family talks about me and my housekeeping problem. I know because I've heard then talk about other women who have married into their family. They are very clean and organized people. But they talk a lot.

Of course if something is important to him he'll work throughout the night to get it done. But 9 months after our Son is born, our nursery still is only half finished. It's up to him to print out the rest of the border for the walls in the Baby's room. He has made no effort to complete it what-so-ever, even when I remind him.

I am envious and embarrassed about our house and I wanted a place that we could show off and be proud of but nothing has changed for the last 6 months or so. He seems happy to live just like this.

I don't know what to do. That marriage counselor seems to have made matters worse. He doesn't act like he loves me or cares about the way I feel.

I told him that when the car is done I'm going to take the baby and go stay with my Dad for a while. I just need to get away from here. I'll clean up my stuff pack up my thing and the Babies things and he can be free of me to do what ever he wants.

I really want this marriage to work but I'm at my witts-end here. Does anyone have any suggestions. Leaving him is scary. I want our marriage to last. But something has got to change or I don't know if it will. Please help.

Sucker Punch

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:46pm
Did you see a MFCC or a psychiatrist? I don't understand why she would send you home like that even if she had to put a mental disorder on paper she wasn't treating you like a Marriage Counselor. Try a Marriage and Family Counselor or go to a therapist on your own for your depression and anxiety and work through your problems that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:46pm
Try a new counsellor - with or without your H. It took me two years to convince my ex that we needed counselling, with him telling me that WE had no problems, but I had problems. Eventually, he went, kicking and screaming, to counselling with me. It took him a few sessions to actually stop getting defensive, listen and then speak up about what he was feeling.

One session with a counsellor with a negative/unhelpful attitude is not going to solve anything. I *do* understand that it seems apparent the experience has set you both back in your efforts to resolve things and it might be harder to get him to go again, but you must try. I would say that you want to go so that you can work on your emotional issues, but that you'd like him there so he can hear what you have to say. The right counsellor will bring him into the conversation and start working on your issues together.

Also, I might add, it wasn't till my ex could really see that I was serious about leaving that he realised he had to do something if he wanted me to stay.

Maybe staying at your dad's will give each of you a chance to miss the other and evaluate what you want from each other and how you're going to work to achieve it together.

Best of luck.

Eve

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 6:44am

why don't you just start at the beginning? you went to ONE marriage counselor, who sounds like you and she did not have good chemistry, and either you did not undertand her, or she changed her story. doesn't matter - fact is that it won't work with this MC. so - without going into all the details- just find another counselor. its like any other professional - be it a medical professional, a house painter, teacher, whatever - *YOU* have to feel comfortable with them, and with their methods - otherwise its not going to work.


and don't waste too much energy on whats going to be - its obvious that you (both) need help - so just go and get it. if he won't go with you - then go on your own.