He won't make time for our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
He won't make time for our relationship
23
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 3:40pm

I've been with my BF for 9 months. For the most part the relationship has been awesome. We are both divorced and have 5 kids between us. Most everything has worked out great....even our kids all get along and accept our relationship.

Here's the problem. Between kids, work, activities etc we don't get much down time, ESPECIALLY on weekends. This coming weekend was the first time in two months that we were going to have some time together ALONE and NO KIDS. I've been looking forward to it for weeks!

So anyhow he calls me a little while ago and tells me that someone has offered him tickets to a big football game this weekend. OK I think I'm not much into football but I'll go. The important thing is it's me and him right? THEN he tells me he wants to take his 6 yr old son.. (he tells me this AFTER I just tell him I have told my kids I would not be around all weekend because I was going to be spending the weekend away with the BF!!!!).
So my question is? Should I suck it up, shut my mouth and the THREE of us go? Or should I gracefully tell him to just take his son? OR should I tell him to go you know where?

I'm just hurt because lately he's been doing this alot and he knows it hurts me. I don't want him to CHOOSE between us but he has spent more good time with his son that me in two months and he knows it. We talk about moving in together and getting married etc. But I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will never put our relationship first. I know that if you don't protect that relationship the rest all doesn't matter (learned this from failed marriage#1) and he seems more interested in his son than our relationship.

Help! Anyone have any thoughts???

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 4:36pm

Welcome to the board mad4nc,


I don't know many 6 yr olds that would enjoy the game, sit still, pay attention etc. How many tickets does he have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 5:16pm

Hi!


Thanks for your welcome.


Yes I was invited to the game. Even though I'm not at all an avid football fan I WAS totally willing to go and have a good time....just not with the kids.


You know I really wanted some quality ADULT time, which he doesn't seem to understand. In all he has 4 tickets....I don't understand why he didn't think "hey let's invite another couple along".


It just always seems like whatever happens he feels compelled to include his son and I'm finding myself becoming resentful (which is sad because I actually love his son) But because he doesn't seem to think that we as a couple need time I'm not happy. I've explained this on an emotional level, a Christian level, and an outright point blank level and he doesn't seem to get it.


I'm hurt and don't know what to think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 5:38pm

Two books for you: Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (sounds like Quality Time is your love language) and Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis.


Tell him:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 6:15pm

Thank you. I have heard of the "Languages" book. Just never have had the time to read it. I will definitely pick it up. And you are very right. We are doing the "Mars" and "venus" thing. Just how do you get them to "get it"?


I see you are a "May-Dec" romance/relationship. If you don't mind what is your age difference with your significant other. Ours is a little over 10 yrs.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 6:23pm

I can understand your frustration but I can also understand him wanting to include his son, especially if he has anything less than full custody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 6:38pm
Actually, I'm not in a May-Dec Romance....here at iVillage we do a signature (siggy) exchange with other iVillage boards and this month May-Dec and Affair Support are my exchange partners.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 9:03am
I agree with you and for the most part I would do just that. Go to the game the three of us and keep quiet. HOWEVER, before he even told me about the game he asked me if I planned on seeing my kids over the weekend and I specifically told him "NO I don't because this weekend is suppose to be about just us". I think that should have been pretty clear.
And no I'm not opposed to doing anything with any of our kids its just we have not had an opportunity like this in almost two months and he has spent a ton of time with his son lately. I feel like he's been more focused on his son than on our relationship and he claims he loves me. Guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted maybe.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:14pm

Well, I don't think keeping quiet about it is a good idea--I think you should talk to him about it, in the manner I suggested.


I would say being offered tickets for a big game is something that is a reasonable exception to the weekend being just the

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:32pm

You are right. Talking about it is the right thing to do. Tried it this morning and I think I got more hurt from that.

I decided to just offer to step out of the picture and told him to take his son (and if he w anted to his other two kids also) to the game and I would just do my own thing.

He in reponse tells me he's disappointed that I DON't want to go with him and his son. Told him I was desperately in need of some adult time this weekend....even if it meant being alone. I'm honestly not up to dealing with a six year old on a day when I'm in need of some time to recharge my batteries.

I did say "why can't just you and me go to the game?" He tells me that this is not an option! He wouldn't feel right about going and not taking his son. Well I'm stunned. Am I chopped liver and you can't go with me? And as far as disappointing his son if its not mentioned to his son then how would he know? It actually hurt me further that he all along had planned that either his son went or no one goes.....how am I to feel about that? It made me feel like I really don't rate at all.

Anyhow, I spent the morning reading up on the "Love Languages" book and it confirmed what I already knew about myself. My love language is "time" and "touch". I don't feel like he gets that at all. Even if I were to give in on the situation and go to the darn game with him and his son I would HOPE that he in return would make a special effort to give ME some time in return to make up for it but I know that wouldn't happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:38pm
So he doesn't provide you with enough touch or enough time--he's not speaking your love language.

Pages