He won't make time for our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
He won't make time for our relationship
23
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 3:40pm

I've been with my BF for 9 months. For the most part the relationship has been awesome. We are both divorced and have 5 kids between us. Most everything has worked out great....even our kids all get along and accept our relationship.

Here's the problem. Between kids, work, activities etc we don't get much down time, ESPECIALLY on weekends. This coming weekend was the first time in two months that we were going to have some time together ALONE and NO KIDS. I've been looking forward to it for weeks!

So anyhow he calls me a little while ago and tells me that someone has offered him tickets to a big football game this weekend. OK I think I'm not much into football but I'll go. The important thing is it's me and him right? THEN he tells me he wants to take his 6 yr old son.. (he tells me this AFTER I just tell him I have told my kids I would not be around all weekend because I was going to be spending the weekend away with the BF!!!!).
So my question is? Should I suck it up, shut my mouth and the THREE of us go? Or should I gracefully tell him to just take his son? OR should I tell him to go you know where?

I'm just hurt because lately he's been doing this alot and he knows it hurts me. I don't want him to CHOOSE between us but he has spent more good time with his son that me in two months and he knows it. We talk about moving in together and getting married etc. But I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will never put our relationship first. I know that if you don't protect that relationship the rest all doesn't matter (learned this from failed marriage#1) and he seems more interested in his son than our relationship.

Help! Anyone have any thoughts???

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:44pm

Well, that's not exactly how I would have handled the talk but what's done is done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 2:02pm
In his eyes he feels he shows love timewise because we have time together during the week. Of course this is between our jobs, 5 kids, appointments, activities, bills etc. When we do have time its not relaxing and rejuvinating time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 2:05pm
Well on top of him deciding that the son HAS to go to the game he has now informed me that Sat. afternoon we HAVE to attend one of his other children's sporting events? Soooooo where do I fit in?
I really did try and offer to do the right thing but he's certainly not going to make it easy and honestly if I keep giving in (which I feel like I'm doing more and more of) I'm turning into a doormat.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 2:46pm

Yes, I can understand your frustration with that turn of events!


That's where you say, ok, I was coming to terms with the game since that was something special and unplanned, but we agreed that this weekend was just going to be for the two of us and now that's slipping away and I'm feeling really disappointed because I was really looking forward to time for just the two of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 4:09pm

::Told him I was desperately in need of some adult time this weekend....even if it meant being alone. I'm honestly not up to dealing with a six year old on a day when I'm in need of some time to recharge my batteries.


You have very right to get your needs met this way - being alone if need be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 1:17pm

Thank you to everyone for your input....

I've thought and thought on this and FINALLY caved and agreed to go just to keep the peace you know. SO now after all this hoopla over how it was SOOOOOO important for his son to go and he causes all this grief between us he now tells me he going to talk to his son after school today and ASK him if he wants to go!!!!

I have been through the ringer on this. Cried, fussed, vented to anyone who would listen and finally through grace of God decided to calm down and offer to go. Then he turns around and throws it back in my face by letting his son now decide!?!?!?!

I really feel disrespected by that? Am I wrong? I felt like I was in some way offering him a gift of doing this for him and its being thrown back at me. I'm getting more and more hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 2:06pm

I have a question:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 2:25pm

His divorce should be finalized in the next few weeks. He has been separated for a year although he and his wife were estranged for quite some time prior to then because she was having a fling and he stayed put due to the kids.

I totally agree that he operates on the "divorce dad" guilt syndrome. My therapist said the same thing. When I've brought it up with him he's gotten upset. But honestly our plans are often times decided by whatever "junior" wants. And some of the son's discipline stuff also needs addressing but once again is ignored.

Having been down the same road myself I can see the signs. When my ex and I split up I did the "guilt" thing too, trying to maintain as much normaly as possible for our kids. But NEVER did my ex or I let the kids decide about our lives or let their discipline go by the wayside. We are first and foremost their parent not their friend and its our job to teach them right and wrong.

I guess this weekend thing has brought up a lot of stuff.....my best friend, my mom and so many people think I need to tell him so long. That maybe if I do that he'll come around and realize the error of his ways LOL!!! I just don't know what to do. The only certainty is that I don't want to be in a relationship where I am always going to play second fiddle and a child (mine or anyone elses) calls the shots.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 2:53pm

Again, why did you not seize the opportunity to speak up about this to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 2:53pm

You can try a conversation (or write a letter) but you have to mean it, so take some time to know what your bottomline is - not a threat, but knowing what you can and cannot live with.


Kind of like: "I understand the feelings you are going through with the kids and the divorce. I had the same feelings going through mine.