He won't move .....
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| Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:25pm |
Both my LDR and myself are 29. I moved 500 miles away for grad school last fall. I'll try to make the background as brief as I can. We began seeing each other in late 1999, becoming an "official couple" in late 2000. We were blissfully happy up until April of 2002, when we broke up due to some residual issues I had from a past relationship (I was having anger outbursts, trust issues, etc.). The break-up was VERY bad. However, we couldn't stop caring about one another. I worked through my issues with therapy, and we began dating again in Jan. of 2003. We've been a couple again for almost a year, with no real problems.
I'd made the plans for leaving for grad school during the break-up time. B/C it's something I've always wanted to do, I went ahead and left last fall. We agreed to be exclusive and to try to see each other roughly once a month.
He is not tied down to a major job, and I had hoped he might consider moving to be with me eventually. It's been 6 months. During our last time together, I brought up the "future"...asking where he was seeing this relationship going, if he'd ever consider moving to be with me, etc. He responded by getting defensive, saying he thought we were doing "just fine", and acted like I was crazy for asking about the idea of marriage, etc.
Let me mention that he has not, at almost 30, made any decisions as to a career. While I have decided to go to school to prepare for one (vs. just working for a paycheck). During the conversation, he began to criticize my performance in school, which was not good my first semester due to the adjustment period and illness. However, I'm on top of the situation and plan to succeed. He said I should not be concerned about our relationship and instead worry about school.
All in all, he said he did not want to move to be with me, and I couldn't get straight responses about anything else! Sorry for the length here, but I appreciate ANY advice, similar experiences, etc!

At 29, you are planning a future and trying to better yourself in preparation for it. He isn't, and he's not much interested in doing so. I suspect he *likes* the LD part of your relationship b/c it doesn't require much of him, and he doesn't want it to. I don't think you're ultimately going to get the type of relationship you're looking for from this particular guy. Sorry, but in order for a partner to turn out to be what you want and need from a partner, he or she has to be that type of person from the very beginning. They are not going to *become* that so you can be fulfilled and satisfied as time goes on. I think you've been with him long enough to know you are on very different pages in life. Good luck.
'he thought we were doing "just fine", and acted like I was crazy for asking about the idea of marriage,'
You two want different things. He has told you that he doesn't want to move geographically and doesn't want to move forward in the relationship. Now you need to decide what to do with this information, assuming that he won't change his mind.
Maybe it is time to move on.