He won't move forward
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| Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:46am |
We are both 55 years old and have been dating 4 years, engaged for almost 2. He's a widowed physician with 4 nearly grown kids; I'm divorced with no kids. He's well off. I told him from the start I wanted to start our life together in a new house rather than the one he shared with his late wife for 18 years. We've looked at 50-60 over the past 2-3 years. Beautiful places I would have been delighted with. But he wants to build a new house.
Last Dec., he spent $250k to purchase a 1-acre lot in a nearby subdivision.
Since then, we've spent hours creating a design for a ranch home, working with an architect. The design is now done, but we have to find another architect to draw up the blueprints (too complicated to explain). A month ago, we found one that we both like. We also have researched various builders.
All tolled, my fiance has spent about $10k on architectural fees and another $3k to a builder for a preliminary "site inspection" of the lot. Not to mention the money for the price of the lot. But for reasons I simply don't understand, he is dragging his feet on moving forward.
He refuses to set a wedding date "until the house is more finalized". I've abdicated on everything. I told him I'd even live in his house until our new one was done.
Yet..... he is still balking. His children tell me he's been like this forever. He himself admits he has trouble "pulling the trigger" on anything major. He was going to build a house years ago with his late wife, but he had a fight with the builder and the whole project got scrapped. He's often mentioned lots he should have bought when he moved to our town 20 years ago, but didn't, saying today they'd be worth millions. I'm wondering if he really wants to build this house. He's not even to the stage where the contract with a builder would be signed and he'd be really committed. The blueprints aren't even done.
After 4 years, I'm convinced he will never marry me, never build the house, and keep dragging his feet forever. He would say, "Then why did I spend all that money -- for the lot, for the architect, etc?" He would also say, "What's the difference - as long as we're still together? After all, I'm not going anywhere..."
Your thoughts? I believe he has a deep seated problem with actually following through on anything major. Any input or feedback would be appreciated.

I think it's time for you to decide how important to you it is to be married to him, because I think you're right--he may well never marry you. I think him saying "what's the difference" shows exactly where his mind is.
If you decide that being married is too important to you to let go of, then you need to give him a firm deadline that you will stick to, and then move on if you're not married by then.
Sheri
Note something very important you said in your message:
"His children tell me he's been like this forever. He himself admits he has trouble "pulling the trigger" on anything major."
This says to me:
1) it's not you; and,
2) you're not going to change him on this.
That said, you have a decision to make. If you are comfortable with him overall, and he's the guy you want, learn to live with it. You can't change him. Alternatively, if this is a deal breaker for you, leave now - again, you're not going to change him.
Sounds like fear... at least in terms of
Jilly
'His children tell me he's been like this forever.'
Well then, there you have it.
Decide if you can live like this, assuming he won't change.