Is he worth all this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Is he worth all this?
4
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 4:21pm

Hello all! I have an issue with my BF. We've been together off and on for almost 6 years and together for the past 2 years. During the on and off part he was verbally, emotionally, and a bit physically abusive to me. Over the past two years, he's changed. I would say the past year he's been exactly what I've always wanted him to be. He helps me with my son, does things for me around my house, and just treats me so good like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him (which I am). The problem is, I got pregnant last summer and had an abortion because we had a 5 week break up. I knew I couldn't raise our baby on my own and he hadn't ever really showed me any type of help. about a week or so after my abortion, he started to come around again and then in September he graduated college. He's 30 and has two kids with someone else which one of them isn't even biologically his, but he claims her and I'm 31 and I have an 8 year old son.

Things really started to get better with us last fall and he started talking seriously about getting married. I've always wanted that with him, but after my abortion last summer, my feelings have somewhat faultered from him. He proposed in Janurary with a ring that just has diamond chips and was $130.00. He doesn't have much money and we both work hard, but things are tight. We don't live together so we both have mortgage, utilities, car payments, food, etc. My feelings somewhat haven't been there and I've been pretty rude, mean to him and never say 'I love you' to him when he tells me all the time. I barely would sleep with him during the winter. In May, I found out I was again pregnant. This time, we are together and he wants to get married really bad.

My thoughts on this situation is/was, my BF is black and I'm white. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago and she nor my dad would accept it. My siblings may, but I'm not sure. At the same time, I'm 31 and need to live my own life. My BF hasn't helped me out very much financially and I was scared that since we aren't married and b/c of what he's done to me in the past, I was scared I'd end up alone with this baby and my current son and not have my BF or my family to rely on. I know that my money is tight and there was no way to bring another baby into this world for me to do it all alone, so last week I decided after an agonizing two weeks to make the decision, I terminated my pregnancy. My BF and I are still together and he does want to get married. My feelings for him are coming back, but I just dont know how my family will take him. Is he worth giving up my family, or is he someone that I need to get rid of b/c that old person may come back? I've paid for both abortions and he hasn't given me a dime for either. I just get frustrated with the whole money issue and dont' know if we'd live together if it'd be better or not.

Does anyone have any advice? I know he loves me and I love him, but it's so hard to find someone these days that I just dont know if he's the one for me or not.

thanks,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 5:00pm

Hi coleycole3,

Not to sound rude or anything, but have the two of you talked about birth control? It would be a lot cheaper than 2 abortions.

It has been 6 years, if you still are not ready to marry him maybe you will never be. It sounds like the race issue is still an issue for you. You are still at the point of wondering if others will accept your relationship. You are 31 and if you don't see a solid future with him move on. Honestly after 6 six years you should know. If you are worried that he may become abusive again, you might want to trust your gut.

This is just my opinion, I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 7:19pm

While I know you didn't come out here to be scolded about your choices, I like the other poster think that first and foremost, you need to get on birth control.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 5:01pm

Welcome to the board coleycole3,


I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:12pm

WOW you are a woman on the verge of settling because you "need" someone to take care of you and your son. Why haven't all these questions come up before the 6 year and the 2 aborted pregnancies? How can you get to 6 years with questions about an interracial relationship? Go ahead and marry this man because it is so hard to find someone...please don't for that reason I beg you.

Wait for the right man who makes your knees weak and your heart pound so hard that you think it's going to pop out of your chest. PLEASE....don't settle for the wrong man and teach your son that this is what women do....show him what a strong woman does and wait for the right person.

I wish you luck because you will need it to have the strength to do what is right for you and your son.

Frani