Is he worth fighting for?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is he worth fighting for?
4
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:08pm
I found out just before Christmas that my husband was having an affair. I was eight months pregnant at the time with our second child. I persuaded him to stay for the sake of the children and try counselling. I have since found out that he has had affairs throughout our ten year marriage. When we are together, everything still seems really good and just like normal. I can tell when he's spoken to her though as he changes and becomes colder to me. He doesn't see her very often (she's in the middle of a messy divorce) but they text and talk on the phone. He was drinking too much, but seems to have pulled himself together.

We have had our initial relate meeting and they asked him to consider cutting all contact with the OW while we go for counselling. He said he would think about it, but hasn't decided. I don't know now whether I'm doing the right thing trying to hold onto him. I still think our relationship could work if he is committed to the counselling, but I just don't know if he is going through the motions so that he can say at least he tried to make things work. Part of me thinks he will stay, it's been three months now and I know he doesn't want to leave the kids.In his words we are fine but he doesn't know if fine is enough and he admits part of the reason for the affairs was for excitement. I still think we could work through this and although I'll never trust him 100% again, I will feel the same about any man. I just feel tired of fighting, he's cool towards me and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it as I'm making all the effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:14pm
'He said he would think about it, but hasn't decided. '

This is so sad. The saddest part is that you are willing to accept that he will continue cheating. You are giving the o.k. for the affairs in the past and those to come. He has told you that he will not stop.

'I still think we could work through this and although I'll never trust him 100% again, I will feel the same about any man.'

Then I think it is time for you so seek your own counseling which is very different from couples counseling.

What will your child learn about relationships and honesty and cheating by growing up in this environment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:15pm
Look, he's having affairs because his values justify it. No "counseling" is going to get him to change his values.

He obviously doesn't have these affairs in front of your face...if he's been having them 10 years and this is the first one you've caught onto.

It honestly sounds like you don't want to lose the lifestyle that you've got....because the marriage that you've thought you had in terms of love, trust, commitment, and honesty has NEVER existed.

If you're wanting a marriage where you share interests, values, priorities, and have equality, trust, and honest communication - this isn't the guy - he has no desire to change his values which would "stop" his behavior.

If you're wanting the lifestyle that you've got now, and you can continue to turn a blind eye to his affairs, provided that he continues to support you as he always has (a new and legally binding agreement "in the event of divorce" regarding split of assets would be wise if you go this route) - since you never had hte marriage you thought you did - and you like your life as it is now except for his infidelity...why not let him continue to have a mistress, provided he's discrete - and you keep your lifestyle intact - and yes, you might consider ceasing your sexual activity with him. He is risking disease...not point in you doing it.

It sounds more like he'd agree to that - than to changing his values or behavior.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:45pm

sorry for your pain, but i do agree with the other poster.


This is not, and has never been, and will never be,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:00pm
The Betrayed Spouse Support board or the Healing after Betrayal board might offer better suggestions and ideas as they have been through it.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie