Is he worth it? want to get closer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Is he worth it? want to get closer
1
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:00pm
Hi everyone. I've posted on these message boards before, about my current relationship with my boyfriend of now 5 months. Some of you may remember me, but I haven't posted in quite awhile so I think it's time for an update!
Well, my boyfriend and I are official now. We became "official" at around 3 months. He still has not met my child yet. He says he wants to, but does not push the issue. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet...But I'm sure he'll meet her soon.
Anyway, we still are not seeing eachother very often...only on weekends. Usually Friday night & sometimes Sat. during the day, and then Sat. night. Hardly ever on Sundays, and never during the week. We usually don't talk at all during the week either. Not on the phone at least. He will occassionally text me or send me an e-mail forward (not a "real" e-mail, but a joke or something that he found). I guess he still wants to take things VERY slowly. Although last week he said in a text message, "It sucks not seeing you during the week"...He is still very back & forth about his feelings, it seems. Sometimes he is very affectionate, while other times he is definitely not. I honestly wish we could see eachother more, and at least talk more, but I don't think he is ready for that. I don't know why, he doesn't have a busy schedule at all. I am way more busier than him...working full-time, going to school online full-time and taking care of my child. But yet I still miss him during the week. Sometimes I feel that our relationship is growing so much closer-- and then the next week, it almost feels like we've taken some steps "backwards" in terms of him showing more interest in me.
For instance, we both have vacation days that we have to use from work before the end of the year. Last weekend, he proposed that we take a vacation together sometime before the year is up. He told me to pick anywhere I want to go in the U.S., and we will look into going there. He was asking me about it all weekend...telling me to "decide" where I want to go,etc. Well, this weekend so far (last night) he did not bring up the vacation AT ALL. This leads me to believe that he has changed his mind about wanting to go on vacation with me. I don't know. I feel a little uncomfortable bringing it up with him, though, as I don't want to seem like I am pressuring him.
Another thing- he really is never romantic and has never done anything "special" for me...I mean, I'm not expecting this grand gesture or anything...but I do wish that he would do something sometime to show he cared. We never talk about feelings, really, either. I feel like we are being physically intimate (sex) but not connecting intimately. For instance, I don't know much about HIM...really know him. I know surface things about him...but I wish to know him more intimately..things like how many times he's been in love, his deepest fears and desires, etc. But we have yet to "go there" in our relationship. I hope he is not emotionally crippled, or just intimately distant? It hurts, because I want to get closer, yet I don't know what HE feels. I don't want to be asking him all these questions and scare him off, either.
Last week, my FAVORITE band came to town to play in concert...He knew this...I asked him if he wanted to go with me...I told him that of course I'd buy the tickets and all..he said he would go if I wanted him to..then he looked at the price of the tickets $40/each, and he said that was too much...he kind of made me feel stupid for wanting to pay that much to see them...so I decided that we wouldn't go...yet in the back of my mind, I was kind of hoping that he would "surprise" me with the tickets or something...I know, stupid romantic hopes...
Another thing is he doesn't want me to be friends with his brothers serious, live-in girlfriend. He thinks its okay if we're friends, but only if we don't hang out alone...because he thinks "what if we break up? Or what if my brother and his g/f break up? it would be awkward if you two were still friends"...I am kind of upset by this, because I kind of hoped that he would be excited for his bro's g/f and me to be friends, but I guess not.
Today he brought up the fact that he thinks wedding rings (at least for men) are stupid. I guess this means that he won't want to wear one when he gets married? This hurts me because I want my future husband to wear a wedding ring symbolizing our love/relationship. I would NOT be happy if a husband of mine didn't wear a ring. He said his dad doesn't wear a ring, either. I said nothing to any of this. Better not create any waves now.
What does everyone think about all this? Any advice/opinions? Anything would be GREATLY appreicated! I feel like I am stuck right now! HELP! Thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:52pm

I think you're making a huge issue out of nothing, to be honest.

1) You apparently have 4 months to plan a vacation and since he didn't mention it for one weekend you think your plans are off? Even when HE was the one to bring up that you should take a trip together?

2) You're upset that you don't know one another incredibly deeply and intimately yet. It's only been five months, that stuff will happen.

3) When you expect to be surprised by someone you will always be disappointed. You made too big a deal out of him not caring as much about your favorite band as you. You should understand that $40 can be a lot for someone to see a concert when it's not their favorite band, too.

4) He doesn't want you to be great friends with his brother's girlfriend... In a way that's understandable but he's being a little controlling and pessimistic about that. I mean yeah, if you break up it might be pretty awkward, but you have the right to choose your own friends. This is the one I agree with you on.

5) Who cares if he thinks wedding rings are stupid? You're not getting married, maybe if you do he'll change his mind for you. This isn't something to get upset over.

I think you have a strong argument with #4 but in general I think you should choose your battles wisely; getting upset over these things is just causing yourself unnecessary stress and you should try to let your relationship progress more naturally without getting too offended too early. You said yourself that you don't know him very intimately yet - try not to jump to conclusions about what he's thinking or what he expects.