Heart and Mind Are in a Constant Battle

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
Heart and Mind Are in a Constant Battle
8
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 8:50pm

I was recently in a 7 month relationship with the most incredible person. We began as friends, and he was new to town so i took him under my wing and made him feel welcome and comfortable. We found that we both wanted more and began our romantic relationship. He's so warm and inviting and a great person to be around. He truly is my best friend and truly accepts me for who i am. However, the entire time we were together in this relationship i had major anxiety. By nature, i'm a worry-wart. I always have been, always thinking of the worst. I over thought about our age difference (he's 5 years younger - 19 years old),

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 9:07am

I've been a relationship for seven years. (Ok, six years and 354 days :))

Most of the time, my SO feels like my best friend more than anything else. I think that's okay. At only seven months, if you're not feeling consistently "in love" with him, then that is a sign you should probably not be in a romantic relationship.

Anxiety is a very difficult thing to deal with, because it can occur with absolutely no reason at all and make you falsely associate the anxiety with other things in your life - Relationships, work, friends, et cetera. It's very confusing to live with anxiety because you're never sure of how to fix it. I haven't read most of the responses so I apologize if I'm giving redundant advice, but if your anxiety has existed outside of these seven months you dated this guy, you should talk to your mental health professional about the idea of trying out an antianxiety medication. My mother suffers from inexplicable anxiety and this has helped her a lot. The idea of medicating oneself is never enjoyable but there's also no reason to suffer if you can help it.

As for this relationship... It's okay to accept that it's a great friendship and that he's a great person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 1:22pm

19 is way too young for a serious relationship. Doesn;t matter how mature he seems, he is still 19. Even 24 is young to be getting so serious, IMO.

So much anxiety is not normal, talk to a therapist - its great that yoiu are good friends with your bf's, but that's the way it should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 10:27am

You cannot base your relationship on "other" relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 6:02am

Since you've experienced this for the some time and its too good to be true, you yourself cant believe you have something really good going for you.

You are lucky. DOnt ruin by overthinking etc.

In the long , you will either cherish it or mess it up. You choose but lemme tell you , you will realize what you 'had' once you lose it , so better not lose it and take control of yourself :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 2:16am
i absolutely use professional help and have for some time now. and i agree, sometimes the age difference does stress me out but i have to say, without any exaggeration, that he is more mature than most 30 year old people i know. There are times where i forget he's 19 because he's got a lot figured out for someone his age, and then some. What i'm struggling with is not knowing my emotions. I feel like i don't know what i'm doing or what i'm feeling. All i want to know is how others can relate to myself. What does friendship look like in serious relationships? i love him but i don't understand what i'm going through..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 12:22am

If you're in a good relationship, your partner is supposed to be your best friend, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 12:20am
thank you for your great advice. I agree, after this experience with this person, i don't know if i could just be with someone without being their best friend. I find that it makes the relationship that more real and that more mature and exciting. I know that i love him but there are times where i feel like i've lost that attraction and he's simply just an awesome best friend, the kind i've wanted my entire life. Then other times, i truly feel loving feelings for him. I love how he is, how funny he is, how cute he is. He's so wonderful. I just become so agitated because these feelings bounce back and forth, from one extreme to the other. I do suffer from anxiety and am on a mild medication for it and feel much better and more calm. Our relationship felt almost too good to be true because he was so perfect for me that of course i can't allow myself to be happy and thus is why i only have friend-feelings for him sometimes. I just don't understand and i hate this...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 9:01pm

My husband is my best friend. He comes before anyone else in my life. Our marriage would not be so fantastic if he wasn't my best friend. I've always said (10 years ) that every day with him is like being 10 years old and away at camp with your best friend. It's goofy and hilarious and anything can turn into an adventure. I also love him like a husband. I am attracted to him and our relationship is adult. It's mature. It's comfortable and giving and we communicate. This is how good, healthy, committed realtionships should be. Personally, I know any relationship I had would not work if my partner wasn't my best friend. I would worry if I didn't feel the way you described. To me it would seem like only half a marriage or relationship without those qualities. If you have that and everything else ( the physical attraction, good communication, common interests etc) then I don't understand why you think you're getting something wrong. It sounds like you have something great .