Heartbroken and Need Help!!
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| Wed, 02-04-2004 - 8:20pm |
I am so completely heartbroken right now because he has decided to sign up on two matchmaking sites and has even gone on a date with someone else. I am having an incrediably hard time with this. I can't seem to get over him, as I am very much in love with him, and it hurts me every minute of the day knowing he is looking for someone else and yet still comes to me and wants everything else with me (except sex he doesn't want to do that anymore with me because he says it will just make it harder on me). I don't understand how things could be so wonderful on my side and even he seems very content most of the time to be only with me and for him to still not feel strongely for me? He isn't perfect but neither am I and I don't expect him to be, their are problems we need to work out but nothing serious that we couldn't work out within the lines of dating each other. The only reason he gives me for not being together is that he doesn't feel romantic towards me or feel in love with me. But I still hold out hope that if he allowed himself to be open to love he would fall in love with me. He's been very badly hurt at least 3 times in his past and he told me that after the last time he had told himself he wouldn't go through that again. And yet he claims to wants to be in love and be with someone.
I feel so lost, confused and hurt right now I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem as simple solution to have no contact with him because I feel in my heart that the progress we have made over these past 9 months is helping him to open up, trust and develop intimacy with me....the fundamental things that are suppose to make men fall in love with women, and if I demand no contact with him all that will be lost....everything I thought would eventually get him to fall in love with me would be lost. His way is that if someone abandones him he cuts them out of his life and you don't or very rarely get another chance with him. And despite everything I would like to be with him.
For me this is the first man I have really loved and therefore the hardest to get over...infact I am not over him at all. My hope that it will work out in the end seems undying but I need to think of myself and how to help myself heal from this heartbreak. But I don't know how to do that because all I want right now is for him to come back to me and for everything to be good and happy like it was and has been at times even in these last months of on and off. Meanwhile how do I deal with him activitely seeking other women on the matchmaking sites??? It drives me crazy knowing he is on there talking to other women and potentially meeting up with them. And still calls me a couple times a week to talk about everything under the sun. Hearing his voice makes me so happy. He is like a drug to me and when I don't have any contact with him I'm in withdrawl and then he will call and it makes it all better for a little while.
I'm very sad and lonely and need some advice that isn't kick him to the curb and move on. Its just not that simple for me.

There are a couple of problems here. 1)You are not listening to his words when he says that he is not in love with you and 2) you are hoping he will change.
'But I still hold out hope that if he allowed himself to be open to love he would fall in love with me.'
I am not sure of the reason but he is either choosing not to open up because of fear or he is just not in love with you.Regardless of the reason, you can not change how he feels and what he does.
'It doesn't seem as simple solution to have no contact with him because I feel in my heart that the progress we have made over these past 9 months is helping him to open up, trust and develop intimacy with me....'
But he doesn't want to be intimate. Even if he showed signs in the past of getting closer and wanting a relationship you have to listen to him and accept that now he is moving on.
'The only reason he gives me for not being together is that he doesn't feel romantic towards me or feel in love with me.'
That is a very important reason.
'the fundamental things that are suppose to make men fall in love with women, and if I demand no contact with him all that will be lost....'
You can not lose what you don't have. Even if things seem to be in place you can't make him fall in love with you.
You need to move on and stop contact. Right now you are a good friend. Friends support each other in their relationships and you are understandably not in a place to do that. You will only continue the heartbreak if you keep talking to him.
I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there. It will take time but you will get through this.
By being this guy's friend, you will stop yourself from healing, from moving on and you'll feel your self-esteem plummet as you constantly question why he doesn't love you the way you want him to. He doesn't. He probably won't ever. And being his friend and watching him (or hearing him talk about) going out with other women will continue to devastate you - why put yourself through that?
End it now. Cut off all contact and explain to him that you need to do this in order to heal yourself. You can't worry about him and his past hurts - worry about yourself!
Peace - Pebbles