heartbroken (sorry it's so long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
heartbroken (sorry it's so long)
3
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 6:37pm
I've been married for 19 years. This past Jan I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker. We separated at that time. In March, he called me, telling me that he wanted to come home. I gave him the conditions that he would have to commit to working on the relationship and have no outside contact with the other woman outside of work (she'll be laid off but notuntil Aug). The first 2 weeks things were great. He told me that he thoguht he was falling back in love with me. We were very affectionate, the sex was super and things were going well. After that, however, I noticed that he was becoming more distant, less affectionate, etc. Long story short, he now says that he doesn't love me, that he doesn't feel "special" when I look at him and that I don't understand him like this other woman did. He said he feels good around her, that she makes him feel sexy and special. He tells me that he doesn't "feel" the "spark" with me anymore - he still cares for me but not like a husband should love his wife. He has all these bizarre ideas. IE: he thinks that I should know what he's thinking without him saying it or that I should know when something is bothering him without him telling me. The truly sad part about all this is that when we first got back together, he told me that he couldn't make any guarantees about staying. I accepted that but now realize he was always looking for signs that things didn't change. We both had issues to work on and I feel I did change but he doesn't see it. He gave up his apartment when we got back together and bought a new truck so he really can't afford to leave but I feel like I'm just waiting for the ax to fall. He says he's not sure what his feelings for me are and that he doesn't know if he can stay in this relationship. He's not saying he wants to leave but he is implying that he doesn't think we will be together for the long haul. I must be a fool because I still love him. Plus the fact that the first time we separated it was hell on our 2 teenage daughters. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to try therapy because he's "afraid" that it will make him realize that he really doesn't want to make this marriage work and that would hurt me and the girls and he doesn't want to do that. Am I foolish to try to hold on to this man? I feel that he will go straight to her if I ask him to leave and that just kills me! I'm already on antidepressants since the last time we broke up and I was feeling great until this past weekend when he told me he didn't think he loved me. How can a man love a woman he has only known for a year over the wife that has supported him through MANY life changes including bouts of his depression that were hellish for all of us? I'm so sad - I can't imagine life without him - I was miserable when we weren't together. I could really use some words of advice. I feel like a pathetic loser right now. Thanks for listening.

GLM
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 8:08pm
How sad for you. First you are not a loser. He is. Why? Because he's looking for an excuse to get out and he won't give marriage counselng a chance because he doesn't want to look at himself or make any changes within him.

Go to counseling by yourself if you have to, but go. It will give you a safe place to sort out your feeling and help you figure out what you want.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:46pm
I agree totally with this post. Good luck - don't give up!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:57pm
Your husband sounds like an immature person. I'm sorry you've invested so much time and emotion in him, but his refusal to go to therapy sounds like he is NOT willing to change. And you're in a situation where, if he's unwilling to change, the only thing for you to do is move on. If he does, on the other hand, decide he really wants to make the relationship work, he WILL have to go to counseling so he can learn to look within himself. His yo-yo-ing back and forth is a sign of a confused and immature person who doesn't really know himself or what he wants. It's very unfair to you. He needs to grow up, or get out of your life.

Definitely go to counseling for yourself. It will give you a positive outlet for your feeling, the opinion of an objective listener, and clarification about what you really want for your future.

Best wishes,

toriphile322