Heavy stuff- please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Heavy stuff- please help
3
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 10:17am

Hi everybody. I'm going to try to keep this from getting too long, but it's pretty intense so I apologize in advance and really appreciate you sticking with me if you can make through to the end.

My husband and I have been married two years, together three. Before him I was in a very bad relationship with his step-brother. I was never hit, but I was raped to the point where I had to go to the ER on numerous occasions. I was in this "relationship" for 3 years. I met my husband shortly after meeting the guy I was dating. As things got worse with the one guy, I became closer friends with my now husband, eventually confiding in him (shortly after I finally got the courage to end the bad relationship) what had actually been going on- that I was raped. We later found out that the guy had molested kids (specifically my husband's siblings) when he was younger, but while he and I were "dating" he wasn't touching the kids. In a way, this has helped me accept what happened. I believe that while what happened to me was horrible, that's what had to happen to give those kids a chance. God knew I was strong enough to survive. He had a plan for me and I'm actually pretty okay with accepting that burden. I don't forgive my rapist for his crimes, but I understand why it happened a little.

My now husband and I started dating shortly after. I know it was probably far too soon after such a traumatic relationship to start a new one. While we were dating, he told me that when he was a kid (around 10 years old) that he was raped by his male cousin. I'm the first person he ever told. We kind of bonded over it. We helped each other, sharing our experiences, crying together, just listening to each other and talking through it all. I felt like I had someone close to me, who knew who I was and understood what I had gone through. Despite our bad pasts, we have had a very healthy marriage and sex life.

Skip to the part that's affecting my marriage in a bad, bad way... I found out that after he was raped by his cousin, he molested his brother and sisters while they were sleeping. He said it was his way of finding control he lost after what happened. Believe me, he and I both know that in absolutely no way does that justify anything or make it okay by any means. He knows what he did was a horrible thing and hates that he did it. But I feel so betrayed! Hurt, betrayal, extreme anger. The person that I had identified with and trusted was now on the same level as the person that hurt me so badly. This was his family! He pretty much raised those kids. I just don't understand how someone can do something like that to the people that he loves unconditionally, especially since he knows how much it hurts.

It's been about a month or two since all this has happened. In that time, we've had serious arguments and he said on three occasions that he was going to leave for my benefit- that I deserved someone who doesn't make me scared (My husband also sleepwalks sometimes. A couple times in a sexual way- one night I woke up to him groping my chest and another night to him pretty much shoving his tongue down my throat. This lead me to being a little afraid to go to sleep sometimes) or so angry. And he doesn't feel worthy of being with me. The worst time, he went so far as to take off his ring, set it on the couch next to me and tell me that everything in the house was mine.

There are some times where I can't look at him without seeing my rapist. I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to be in the same room as him. I just get so angry for what he did and the amount of betrayal I felt. I know that it took a lot of guts for him to tell me and I do have respect for him for doing so. But it doesn't help lessen the anger. And I'm not angry all the time

Then there are times where I really, really miss him and I just want my marriage back. I want to be able to hold his hand, cuddle with him at the movies, and laugh at the things we used to laugh at. But even when I'm not angry with him, I'm not fully there. I'm scared. I'm scared our marriage won't survive, that it won't ever be the same. A few nights ago we went to the movies and it was a little easier. I could hold his hand (though it didn't feel the same) and cuddle a little. I still can't even imagine trying to have sex (it's been a while for us now), which believe me is frustrating the hell out of me and adding even more tension.

Part of me wants to fight for my marriage and save it. I truly do love my husband and don't want to imagine life without him. Then another part of me wants to find someone that could never hurt the people he loves like that (and is a little scared that I might be repeating old thought patterns and behavior). In order for this marriage to survive, I feel I have to be able to forgive my husband. And I can't do that without forgiving my rapist, which is just not something I can do. I just don't know what to do anymore. We just aren't the same and I hate it. We can't afford a lot of counseling right now. I travel for work, so having a set date a week just wouldn't be feasible right now. But we discussed it and came to the conclusion that at the very least my husband should get some professional help since it's much easier for him to do so. So we're looking into being able to swing that financially and should be able to happen relatively soon (within a couple weeks- a month at the latest). I know we need marriage counseling, but it's just not possible right now, not with the job I have now.

If you made it this far, you should get a pizza party in your honor. I would love any kind of help you have to offer. Advice, a starting point, anything. We both have no idea what to do, but know things can't stay the same. Thank you so much for bearing with me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 12:26pm

Welcome to the board beeniemaster,


While you say you can't go to counseling due to your job, have you looked into other counseling opportunties?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:22pm

Welcome to the board beeniemaster,


Wow. I don't blame you for being upset by this. I don't think I could personally be with someone that did that to his family. Of course, at this point if I found out that my husband did do something like that I can't even begin to imagine what I would do next. I really feel for you. You are in a very difficult place.


Please try to numbers that Carrie provided you with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 3:48pm

My condolences about your rape - and I'm sure the trip to the