HELP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
HELP!!!!!
3
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:30am
I have been in a committed relationship with a man for the last 8 months. He is recently separated and he has been living on his own for the last 7 months. We have been very much in love over the duration of the relationship but have been dealing with several problems. Just as a bit of background, his ex-wife and daughter know about me and I have a relationship with his daughter who is 10.

1. We got pregnant during the first month of the relationship and terminated the pregnancy thereafter. It was of course my decision to terminate the pregnancy but he did not want the baby either. I have been struggling with this ever since. I am in counselling and my boyfriend has generally been very supportive. We visited a priest and attend counselling together.

2. Although my boyfriend has been committed to me, he is very close to his family. He bought a house in the neighbourhood of his wife's house and sees his daughter every other weekend an one day a week. I have felt during the course of the relationship that I am competing with his daughter especially for attention. For example, the day ater the abortion, he did not call to check up on me until very late into the night because he had his daughter with him.

To be fair, since then, I have complained about the fact that he excludes me from such a huge part of his life and I have gotten to know his daughter and I have a relationship with her. He also introduced me to his parents about 3 months ago.

3. Over the past two months, things have been getting worse between us. I am very insecure in the relationship and we fight constantly. I feel like he is gaining a stronger foothold as he goes through his transition to singlehood and he needs me less and less. Lately, he has complained that I am needy and smothering him and that he has not had an opportunity to enjoy his freedom.

4. I am moving to another country for graduate school in the fall and gave up my apartment at the end of June. He had invited me to move in with him for the rest of the summer till I go away. On the 1st of June when I spoke with him, he essentially told me he preferred that I did not move in with him. So I had to scramble to find an apartment. I have noticed that he generally waffles. He makes grand gestures and promises which he fails to keep in the end.

On the other hand he is a very loving, warm guy, helpful and kind and I enjoy spending time with him.

5. My instincts are that we got too involved too quickly and I became too attached to him during and after the pregnancy. I also think that he is making good progress in his transition and as a result he needs me less. He essentially wanted to enter a committed relationship with me and set the rules for the relationship. I went along with them. When we first started dating, I was very concerned about his situation and the fact that he was coming out of a 10-year loveless marriage. I was also concerned that he needed time and space to re-discover himself as a single man and told him as much. He disagreed and seemed to want a committed relationship at all costs.

6. Another problem we have had is jealousy. He is very jealous of my male friends-friends that I have had before I met him and forbade me to see my male friends unless he is around.

I have decided to terminate the relationship because I don't think it can be salvaged. Things seem to have gotten way too complicated. He does not want to terminate and wants to work it out.

With the brief background, I have given you, do any of you honestly think this relationship stands a chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sassyt2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:36am
BAsically, when he couldn't "be committed" to you - he wanted it. Because that had you assuming that "when he could commit, he would - on your terms, to meet your needs". So you sacrificed and pursued meeting his needs now...in exchange for your standards and needs being met later.

Doesn't work like that. As he moves thru the tumult of divorce, adn finds that he's not as lonely, as unopportunitied, as incapable as he thought of "handling all this" - he needs you less.

Great relationships aren't based in need...but in desire, respect, admiration, and acceptance of the other person as an individual - not because of waht you want/need in your life that they meet at the time.

he's told you he's not sure now that he wants a relationship, that he doesn't want you to move in. That's because he's realizing that singleparenthood and single life isn't the "terrifying entity" he thought it would be.

It's a shame that you're learning this at this point...but you really haven't lost much as you're leaving for another country in a few months anyway.

But basically, someone who's not sure of who the are, what they want, where they're headed, how they're going to get there or what they stand for cannot "be invested, involved and committed to you as an individual". They're simply involved and invested in what is offered as beneficial, easy, convenient, and supportive of them that you provide.

And as they "need" less because they become more self-sufficient, self-aware, and self-accepting they need you less...and they begin to stand back and review you as an individual to see if you share their values and standards - not just "make them feel good about their situation of the moment."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: sassyt2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 1:33pm
You have been committed to him for 8 months and he has been living on his own for 7 months? Does that mean that you were in a commited relationship while he was still living with his wife? That doesn't make sense.

He is on the rebound and is dedicated to his child. She comes first and she should. That shouldn't change. Decide if you can handle that and all the ramifications of a man just separated from another woman.

'he needs me less and less.'

Do you think he used you to motivate him to leave his wife?

I think it is sad that his daughter is getting used to you and now he is seeing you less. She must be so confused.

'I have decided to terminate the relationship '

Soundsl like a good idea. I think he was using you knowing you were leaving in a few months anyway. God luck in graduate school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
In reply to: sassyt2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 8:22pm
Gina. He was separated from his wife but was living in a basement flat. When I met him, they were no longer living as man and wife and had in fact been separated for at least 6 months. In fact, he had dated someone else before me. No the marriage was well and truly over and had nothing to do with that situation.

I had difficulty with the fact that his daughter came first especially after we terminated my pregnancy.

I think you are right. He has been on the rebound and was using me perhaps unintentionally. Ihave wanted to terminate the relationship for sometime and he has refused to.

Now that its over, it does hurt like hell though.

Thanks for your post.