Help?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Help?!
3
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:30am
I've been seeing a wonderful man for the last few months and everything, up til a few weeks ago has been going amazingly well. We are on the same page about so many things, including the conversation we had early on about both of us having friends before we met and the importance of maintaining those friendships. Here's where the problem started. I have a friend (purely platonic - he's gay) who was travelling about two months ago and stopped at my house for a place to stay en route to his destination. I let my s/o know this in advance because a) I want him to trust me and b) I didn't want to hide anything from him. He's important to me and I didn't want any miscommunications. He indicated that he was okay with this and now, two months later he's having issues with this that he never mentioned until I brought the subject up since he was seeming to get more and more distant. He admitted that yes, he did have a problem with it and has some trust issues... and now needs some time to think things over. I'm in love with this man and do not want to lose him. We've discussed this through rationally and now all I really want to do is fix this problem. I feel terrible that this has happened... Now what?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: flunkygirl
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:35am

You did aboslutely nothing wrong to feel badly about. You were completely up front with your boyfriend, explained the situation to him and behaved with integrity. Not only that, the guest at your home was gay, and the two of you had perviously decided to maintain other "friendships". There is no trust issue involved here at all. Whatever problem your boyfriend is having has absolutely nothing to do with you, but himself. He forgot the conversations you both had and also didn't even remember your telling him about the visit. He has neither been true to himself (in saying how important it was to maintain friendships), or to you. Clearly he has other ambivalence here and seems to be using this situation to distance himself. Don't take the wrap for this. Let him know that whatever is bothering him is something he needs to work out and it has nothing to do with you. If he is willing to face himself and face what is going on and honestly share it with you, fine. If not, just realize that often we do not really know the whole person we are in a relationship with until time passes and things happen.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: flunkygirl
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:05am
Thank you for your advice - it's sound. However, in the meantime I feel like I'm in limbo - and I've never been good at unknowns. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be pushy either. :( *sigh*
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: flunkygirl
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:32pm
You are only in limbo if you allow this 'I've got to think about this awhile' to go on indefinitely. While you love him and what to be with him, you can't lose him if he doesn't want to be in a relationship....it's him, not you. You can't save him from himself, you can't make him believe you, trust you, want to work on the relationship, etc. He has to come to terms with his issues.


Carrie