help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
help
10
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 5:53pm
I have only been married for 6 months and my husband acts like he cant stand me, we have issues that i want to work out and he acts like i am a head ache. I want make things right and work out our problems but he huffs and puffs at me acting like he is tired of me. I aske him how he feels or if hes mad at me for something, he says no. It seems like the harder i try the more pissed off he gets. I dont understand what i should do. Every time i ask him a guestion his answer is "I dont know". Like if i ask why he seems so angry all the time- i dont know. Any thing i ask he tells me that. i am so sick of hearing that. I am at a loss. I dont want to just let things slide because i am unhappy but it seems that i am getting no where trying. He wasnt like this before. We have been together for 5 years but this all started about 2 years ago. I am begining to wonder why we got married. I am sick of feeling like my husband cant stand me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ally32_74
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 9:57pm
what are the problems that need fixing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: ally32_74
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:21pm
good question i had to think about this, i am so focused in trying to get him to work things out that i forget what i was upset with in the first place. Some issues that we have are the way he treats our daughter, he gets really mean. I think he is effortless he doesnt do anything hes not working, hes not really looking, he doesnt get out of bed he just doesnt try to accomplish any thing. And because i think that way he says that to me he cant do anything right, i dont feel that way but he doesnt do anything for it to be right or wrong in the first place. But when we try to talk about it he blows me off and tells me to shut up. our issues seem of little importance when it comes to the way he makes me feel when i try to work them out. For example If i ask him a question he wont answer me and ill wait a few minutes and ask again. nothing. SO i ask him again this time hell snap at me like hes answered me all those times. I just feel like he really cant stand me and when i ask to talk about it he rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs, he does that then i feel 3 inches tall and ill start to cry because it hurts, it really does. then he tells me hes sick of watching me blat. tHAT makes me cry worse and then hell walk away from me. sorry about my typing i am holding my daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:15am
Tell him this:

1. I feel hurt when you disrespect me

2. I want you to treat me well, as if you love me.

2. I want you to get a job by next week.

If you cannot get a job or treat me well (as if you really love me), then we will have to look at divorce since no woman can live with a man who treats her badly as you are. Do you want to know how you are treating me bad or do you just want to change and start treating me good like when we were first in love and first met. You have a week to change. Or else I am looking at divorce so I can meet someone who treats me well. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:53am
I agree 100% with blastobubbles!! He is walking...no running...all over you. You are trying to acheive something by trying to communicate with him (and I applaude that) but he is obviouslly too "hardheaded" for that to be enough. I think that in youralls case you are going to have to get TOUGH! Stand up to him and don't let him run over you anymore. The next time he makes you feel inadequate stand there and make him listen to you. If he tries to walk away then follow him. If he tells you he doesn't want to hear it tell him you don't care because he's going to anyway...he needs to and he has to. He doesn't have a choice this time. Tell him those things that blastobubbles suggested...let me say it again...TELL HIM. Don't phrase it like a question and hold strong to your ground. You need to muster up all of those feelings he's made you have all this time and use that to make you strong. I would give him a week on everything except the job. With the economy the way it is I don't know if he can actually land a job in that time but make sure he knows he has to at least make the effort...not half as**d effort either. And in the end...if he doesn't follow through with these *demands*...stand strong again. Do what you said you would and leave. Be preparing yourself to do that as well because it may actually come down to it. If you make these demands and he doesn't own up to them and then you don't follow through with what you said you would then he'll see it as a bluf and run all over you from now on. This is a big step for you and I do wish you all the prayers I have to offer. I hope you take this advice to heart. Set on it a day of two if you have to but please, for your sake, do it soon. Please let us know how it goes...1sweetnopichick
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:55am
I couldn't have agreed more with blastobubbles and sweetnopichick. Some guys can be nice boyfriends/fiances, but cannot be good husbands. Please have this sorted out as soon as possible. It doesn't feel like a healthy and happy relationship. For your daughter's sake, if he is unwilling to change, leave him! I am sure you will have all female's support.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:19am

This is an unfortunate and potentially serious situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:48am
Only 6 months married you should still be in bliss. Some of what you are describing in your husband's behaviour sound to me like symptoms of depression. Has he seen a doctor? Even highly intellegent and normally very motivated people can suffer from depression. Speaking from experience, you often can't see it yourself when you are in it.

Also speaking from experience, individual counselling is never a bad thing. Individual because you really only can help/change yourself and the way you deal with the things beyond your control(ie. him) He could use it to. Then after a while, maybe try a joint session.

I agree that you seem to be at the point were you must decide - Am I prepared to risk this realtionship before I live like this forever? If you answer 'yes', lay your cards on the table with him. He must - fill in the blank - or you are done. Counselling will definately help you get clear on what 'your cards' are. Counselling will also help you prepare for the possibility that he won't rise to the occasion and you will need to walk away to have your happiness.

You must do something though because this is no way to live. Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ally32_74
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:04pm
Your last post gives more info....I would venture a guess - you have been married for 6 months and you have a daughter - so my best guess is that he resents her based on his treatment of her and he resents you for *having* to get married (because you were preg right?). Maybe he also feels 'trapped' or overwhelmed with the responsibilies of marriage and family too?

This is not a good situation. He can't tell you what he feels because of the judgement of how he would be labeled. So instead he's passive-aggressive with you to convey some of what he's feeling.

Please seek counseling for yourself. It will give you a safe place to vent and cry, help you sort out your emotions and give you direct on how to approach your husband to discuss the real issues.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: ally32_74
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:49am
well first of all i would really like to thanks all of you for the advice, I am not sure what i am going to do, i do agree that my husband is depressed and that he could benifit from counseling but like some one said before he is too hard headed. I do go to couseling. I am not sure if giving my husband an ultimatum is a good idea. It could just end up in making him resent me more. I dont think that i can do that any way. Also my husband didnt "have" to marry me. Our daughter is almost 2 years old. So i dont think that is his problem. But then again at least you came up with some thing, and your doing better then i am. We recently talked about our situation and neither one of us wants a devorce. That is so far from what i want. I really ment my vows and have every intention on keeping them. I just need a better wey to communicat with him. He acknowledged that he his hurting me and he him self cant figure it out. I dont know what to think of that. Some where there has got to be an answer. He also told me that he is so tempermental because he is unemployed and he feels like less of a person then me. I dont think that way about him. I love him. I wonder if i am doing something to make him feel that way. Of course i asked and he says he doesnt know. But he says hed be happier if he had a job we are very financially strapped. I didnt get in to the fact that if he looked harder hed have more success. I felt as if we were making some progress and i didnt want to offend him. He also said that he feels like he doesnt even know how to make me feel loved. What does that mean?? I really miss him i feel like we are so distant, I feel like we made progress but at the same time i dont because i dont feel much better about things but i did at least get him to listen to me. I dont know i am a lil confused about things right now. I guess what we will see what monday brings i am going with him to help him look for a job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
In reply to: ally32_74
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:30am
Hello, Glad to hear that you guys are making progress. I think maybe after your husband has a job, everything will calm down a little. He probably would feel more useful. Also your financial situation will be better too. Money problems can be very stressful and believe it or not, it actually harms relationships. I have been there. :-) Hope everything works out. Good luck and please keep us posted. *hugs*