help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
help!!!
8
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:58pm

I will try to keep this short. My bf and I have been together for over 10 years and recently I thought he wanted to end the relationship (he was acting distant, angry...). I thought he was cheating on me with an old girlfriend and I knew he was lying to me whenever I would ask him about her and I began seeing someone else. After a little while, I could not take the "game playing" we were doing to each so I confessed about my "affair". My bf said he knew about it but did not want to confront me and also said he only had a phone relationship with his ex. He said he wanted me to get jealous and "come after him" so that he would know that I am still crazy about him. I ended my affair and even called the guy in front of my bf to show him that I was finished with that. My bf was content for a short time. He wanted me to be insulting, mean...to the other guy - and he feels I let him down. We have been trying to work things out - but he says he doesn't trust me. The other guy contacted me again and again my bf wanted me to call the other guy and tell him off. I did what my bf wanted (he said he was going to leave me if I didn't) (even though I did not want to call the other guy - I did not think that would be beneficial to anyone involved) but my bf felt that I let the other guy off easy. He has been calling me names (slut, whore, etc...) and becoming quite angry, and said that I am not the same person because of what I did. He said he wants to forgive me but doesn't know how. He also said that we can't get to step 2 in building trust because I let him down on the phone calls to the other guy.

I really need help - there is more to the story but it would be too long.
I love my bf - he and I were the best of friends and I want to share my life with him. I know he loves me and wants to forgive me. I also know that I betrayed him and lied to him (he lied to me, too). I want to work things out but I don't know how since he says that I let him down with the "send offs" to the other guy. I need to let him know how special he is to me and ways to show that I am trustworthy. Any comments would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:49pm

Welcome to the board littleone42074,


Regardless of your cheating on him, your bf should not be calling you such names.


My suggestion is couples counseling. I don't see any way that you are going to work this out without it. I think there is too much going on at this point in time.


Why have you been together for 10 years and not married or anything yet? How old are the two of you?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:50pm

Welcome to the board littleone42074,


My advice will echo Coltara's about the couneling and the name calling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:15pm

We are in our mid-thirties. We have discussed marriage many times but due to some financial setbacks we have not gotten married. We are not officially engaged but our relationship was just as if we were married - we live together. I want to get married and have a family.

In an off the shoulder way, he mentioned counseling but he is not open to counseling (I know this from years prior) - so I said no, because you have to be open to it in order for it to work. I then suggested it to him because I found a counselor and he said "no, I said we should go before and you said I would not be open to it".

He also just told me that because I did not say word for word what he wanted me to say to the other guy that he (my bf) cannot move on to the next step in rebuilding trust - I think that is just ridiculous and it tells me that the relationship is not worth it to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:24pm

Thank you for responding. He feels that he did nothing wrong. He "only spoke on the phone and I went out and found a new boyfriend". I never cheated on him in all these years and I was really devasted at the notion that he was developing a relationship with his ex (in addition, their relationship was MANY years ago and he "hates" her). So, knowing his "true" feelings for her - I could not imagine that if he was lying about speaking to her then what else is he lying about.

I am sorry to rant and rave. I just feel so frustrated. He tells me there is nothing I can do because I did not say word for word what he wanted me to say to this other guy. I really feel lost and part of me knows that I should not feel lost. I tell him often how sorry I am that I hurt him and that I had never done this before and I would never do it again. Not good enough. We have talked about this situation for months (almost everyday) and he feels that he is not being heard. I let him know when I leave work, I let him know if I am making any "pitstops" along the way...I don't know how to regain his trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:37pm

There was a book I read, though right now I can't recall the title, it said something about if our 'reaction' (your affair) to something is preceived as worse than what our partner did (his emotional affair), then the other person is off the hook...because he will always point the finger back at you and make you wrong in this case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 4:15pm

I appreciate your advice/opinions. You are basically validating what I feel and at this point that is what I need.

I do not know if I should stay or leave. He talks about leaving all the time. We have two pets and we both will want them so that is another issue. I just wish things could be different. He and I truly were the best of friends, we have spent so many years together and our worlds are so entwined and that just makes this all worse.

I always wanted to marry him and I feel that despite our "financial difficulties", I feel we could have found a way...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 4:23pm
I think when you are really done, you will be able to 'let go' of what you need to, including beloved pets and go. The Universe will open another door, when this one closes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
In reply to: littleone42074
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 4:42pm
Thank you for your advice and good wishes. I really don't see much hope.