HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
HELP
5
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:01pm

I have been in a relationship for about four years. I am 26 years old, he is 29. I have a daughter who is 7. My boyfriend and his family are Muslim and my family is Christian. Religion is not a problem for either of us, but our families are very against the relationship. His parents have refused to meet me, yet he still goes to see them every week. My parents have accepted him and love him as their own son but are angry with me. I believe that my Mother goes to bed crying sometimes...even after fours years. In fact, my Mother and I no longer have a relationship and are constantly fighting. We live together so it has made my life miserable.

He will not commit. He is not ready to get married now but says that he wants to marry me and have children in the future. Except, we never see eachother, we live five minutes away and we see eachother for only a few hours a week because he is always working, going to the gym, sick or with his family. Sometimes he even chooses to be somewhere else than to be with me. It's hard to even get him on the phone! We never talk about the future and if we do it's awkward. So it is almost impossible to move on. For the past two years I have been constantly crying over the heartache of our families, the constant fighting with my Mother and with him over these issues. I feel alone, like he ignores me, doesn't really want to be with me...yet can't let me go. I am very insecure and at times even feel abused. So much time has been wasted. I think that I expect him to be putting more effort into the relationship...and almost like he owes me for all that I have sacrificed for him. I so badly want him to love me the way I love him. I know he loves me...in his own way. He grew up with a Mother that never hugged him or even told him 'I love you'. He has a hard time with showing his emotions. At times, he writes me beautiful letters but that is the extent of him showing his love. I think he is afraid of all of this.

I feel like if we start moving forward that we would be happier. We would have things to look forward to...being happy, together more, family, children. We both want that eventually, I just think it should be happening now...for so many reasons. I can't live where I am at much longer because of the fighting and nothing will get better unless both families see that they can't break us apart. My daughter is lovely and adores him. He has been in her life since she turned three and thinks of him as her Father. He owes it to her too. I guess I am tired of being stuck in this "hole"...I want to get out! I can't afford to live on my own and he bought a townhouse for "us". Right now, he is fine with going to work, going home...doing nothing...it has been like this for too long. He doesn't have to go through what I do, so he doesn't understand. We are fighting again now and I am so tired of crying. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: amirah7
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:17pm

Welcome to the board amirah7,


I think you need to sit down with your bf and tell him what exactly you need from the relationship and ask him if he can do those things for you. You will also have to decide how long you are willing to wait from him to commit to you. It doesn't seem at this point like he is any where near ready to move this relationship forward. If he bought a townhouse for all of you, than why aren't you living together in it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
In reply to: amirah7
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:00pm

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm doing being with him anymore. I have tried to leave him but I never can go through with it. He cries, tells me he loves me so much, can't live without me, makes all of these promises to me, I believe him and then stay. After a few weeks of everything "back to normal" it goes bad again. I love him so much and my daughter does too. I know that sounds crazy. My brother accuses me of being an abused woman going back to the abuser. It isn't that severe but it can be pretty bad. For the first two years, we were so happy. Now, since we have been "stuck" we are happy and we aren't happy. We aren't going anywhere. When we are fighting I can't control my feelings anymore...I can't stop crying, can't concentrate or sleep. I think it's because it's been so long, I have put my whole entire self into this, sacrificed my family, my time, four years of my life and I haven't gotten much back. Many times during an argument he won't call or talk to me for days. It makes me crazy! Or he shows up two hours late or not at all and doesn't expect me to be upset and lies about silly things. I have asked him to go to counseling, he said no. He says that everything is going to be fine, that he is going to stand up to his family, take care of us...this year. But he doesn't... and he won't. He never does what he says. I am not sure what to do and it isn't as easy as just leaving him, you know? I have put too much time and energy in this to give up. I want to fix it. I want to be with him.

When we first met, he told me after a year that he wanted to marry me and went to his family's house to tell them. They freaked, went crazy and he came back to my arms in tears. Right after, I got sick with Cancer and for about a year and a half everything was calm...no marriage talk ever since then. He is so scared, I think. I don't know. It used to be better. Now, he works crazy hours and is always sad. Blames a lot on his job and is looking for a new one. He even tells me sometimes that he doesn't call me becasue he has been on the phone for hours and hours at work and is tired. That is just wrong. He makes me feel like I am adding stress to his life....like I am nothing. Other times, I am the only woman in the world. If it were up to me, things would be different. Life is too short for all of this...I don't know how long I can wait for this to change. I am looking for a solution...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: amirah7
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:04pm
The fact remains that he CHOOSES not to commit and he CHOOSES not to spend more than a few hours a week with you. I don't see how this benefits you or your daughter. What is she learning about relationships by observing all of this chaos and lack of closeness?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
In reply to: amirah7
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:55pm

This is not a relationship - this is you waiting and waiting for this guy to give you the time of day. He has not and probably will not ever give you the relationship you want. And it has NOTHING to do with his upbringing, his religion, his culture, his job or any other excuse you are willing to conjure up for his mis-behavior.

You say that "it isn't that severe but it can be pretty bad." What part of this is supposed to be good? He neglects you and lies to you. He bought a condo for you to live in so he can keep tabs on you and keep an upper hand on you. He'll tell you he can't live without you to keep you hooked, then goes back to neglecting you. He ignores you for days when you fight. He is purposefully unreliable to keep you off kilter. Yup. Your brother is right. You are being abused because this is the behavior of an abuser and you keep going back to him.

How much more of what's left of you are you willing to sacrifice? Furthermore, how much of your daughter's self esteem are you willing to put on the line?

Please seek professional help soon for both your sakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: amirah7
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:38pm
Did you read the newspaper column "Dear Abby" today? It's about this same topic. www.dearabby.com
Iri