Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Help
1
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:22pm
Hello,

Fist off I'm sorry i'm not a woman but i wanted to get advice from women so i figured i would try this.





I've been dating a 30 year old woman (I'm 24) for about 8 months now. She is my boss at work and she was my teacher at school before I graduated. The first 7 months of our relationship was wonderful. Full of great times, we met each others family, went on 2 vacations, and had planned on going many more. She was the woman of my dreams, she had her life together, a great job, and had great future plans. The past month she started to go back to school to get a Ph.D., she got a new position at work that caused her to carry work out side or work as well as teaching.



In the relationship I was the person who had more time to do things, and I wanted to fill my time with her when she couldn't do it. All I could remember is how we spent 5 days a week with each other and now it was down to 1 a week if we were lucky. It was killing me b/c of finding other thing to fill that void I was pushing her more and more to spend time with me. I know I was wrong for that but at the same time she kept saying she didn't have time. Although she did find time to go to New Orleans for 5 days. Sure she did make these plans before hand but it hurt that she could spend time with them but not me. I felt like I went from priority #1 or 2 to # 5 or 6 in her life.



So when she was in New Orleans I found out some things that totally upset me. I found out she lied to me about her past. She told me that she only kissed this guy when she actually had oral sex with him about 5 months before we got together. I can't say anything about it b/c it was before we met but why bring it up if your not going to tell me the truth. Keep it to her self if she didn't want to hurt me. I talked to my friends and they told me to log into her online account to check her billing. I didn't listen to them at first.



On Tuesday, I dialed her phone by accident when she was on the plain. I typed in my pin code thinking it was my voice mail I was dialing. I would have known it wasn't mine if I listened to the receiver but I never do when I'm calling my voice mail. On my phone if you hit the send button twice it will call the last # that you called or called u. I had thought I dialed my voice mail last when I really dialed her # last, which is how I ended up calling her. Needless to say she didn't believe me. She told me I was liar and she wanted to break up with me. So later in the day I called my friend and he was like do it man u have nothing to lose now. So when I went online to check it, I locked the account b/c I didn't know the pin.



The next day I went to work and was talking to these two guys whom she confided in and told them we were dating. They are both our friends, and she told them we had broken up. The both asked me to talk to them if I needed to. Since I didn't have anyone to talk to and I needed someone to talk to I confided in them. Needless to say they both ran and told her what I had said on Thursday.



So I was forced to tell her what I did when I saw her on Thursday. I didn't want to lie to her and cover a lie with another lie. She got so mad at me and told me not to talk to her again. Later in the night she called me to yell at me about what had happened through out the day. During that time I got to tell her how I really felt. I told her I loved her to no end, I would take a bullet for her, I wanted her in my life, how I was sorry, how I wanted to work things out, so on and so forth. She told me that she needed time and space and if I really respected her and loved her then I would do that for her.



She called me on Saturday morning b/c we had tickets to see Dave Chapell's comedy show that night. She sounded so upset and sad when she was talking to me. I asked how she was and she said with a disappointing sound.. I'm OK i guess.



That night I decided that I couldn't go to the show. It was going to be to hard to sit next to her and not hold her hand, kiss her, laugh with her and know that she is feeling uncomfy sitting next to me. I just couldn't bring my self to it. So I meet her and her 9 other friends at the show to give her, her ticket. Unfortunately, it didn't work out as to plan. I was going to tell her in front of her friends (b/c they are a big part of her life) " Look I know you need your space and time, and b/c I love you, I want to respect that. Take the tickets and enjoy yourself and call me when your ready," but that didn't happen. There was a radio station there blasting really loud music not allowing you to hear yourself think. So when I saw her and her friend walking I went out to meet them. All her girlfriends ignored me and the guys shook my hand. So I when I got see her I took her hand and said I need to speak with you. I was walking one way she was walking another way. So it made it look like i "grabbed" her. I told her "Look, I'm sorry I can't do this tonight, I'm sorry, I'm just not ready, I know you said you need space and time and I want to respect that and I love you" then I walked away. Texted her, saying "Please call me when your ready"



Later that night she called me. Wanting to know what it was all about. I had to tell her that I just couldn't go in there and sit with her for 2 hours and be OK. It was going to kill me to do it, but I had to. I asked her to remember the good boyfriend I was that brought her flowers every month, cards, candies, told her she was beautiful all the time, and was there no matter what. Not the guy that freaked out over the past few weeks. She said she didn't know if she could do that right now. I said don't let this one thing ruin our relationship, and she said you don't understand we are not in a relationship. "Besides one thing can destroy a relationship." I asked her to please call me when she was ready, and she responded with what if that is 2 years from now? I had to say that's fine but I want it to much sooner than that. I asked her for an honest answer, "Do you see us getting back together or is it over for good?" She said "right now I need to get on with my life b/c she is mad at me but you never know what will happen, if its meant to be it will be." Right before we hung up I said please remember me as the good boyfriends and not the bad guy the past few weeks. She ended with saying I heard you the first time, and I will see you next week, good-bye.



So what does all this mean? I know I did something very wrong and I'm very sorry and I can't apologize enough for it. I'm willing to work on everything to help the relationship. Did I do the right thing by not going to the show? Do you think seeing the empty chair made her think? She knew I was waiting to see this show for about 5 months. Do you think she will come back if I give her time? Or is it really over? How do I get over her? How do I make her want to come back to me? Is time and space a good thing or is it a bad thing? Please help me... I can't eat, sleep, and when I do sleep I dream about her. I miss her so much all I can think about is her smile, her laugh, her kisses, her I love you's, her phone calls after work, I miss her so much. So please any help would help out a lot.



Thank you,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: jedipimp4
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:39pm

checking her voicemails and her personal online accounts? Playing games by "making her think" in forcing her to see an empty chair throughout the entire comedy show... assuming that would ruin the night. You cant eat or sleep and if you do sleep you dream about her?


you sound obsessed.


in an unhealthy way.


I am just re-capping... but i really did, honestly read through your entire post and you sound extremely obsessed with this woman. Not inlove with her.


It may seem to you that you are inlove, but your behavior is very controlling, obsessive, and eratic.


And her reactions are pulling away because of it. She has lost interest and love for you because of that behavior, it is a natural defense mechanism that many women have.


Sad to say... there is no hope for this relationship unless you just move on and learn from your mistakes. Counseling would be a good idea for you as well, considering that those behaviors are often LEARNED behaviors and often a result of some kind of childhood or teen issue such as abandonment, divorce, abuse, neglect etc.


"teaching her a lesson" by "making her think" only makes you look more controlling and pathetic...