HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
HELP!!!
1
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:14am
I know I don't personally know anyone here...and maybe thats a good thing. But, I need help from someone right now. I'm sure ya'll have seen my previous posts, but here it goes again. My boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago. He broke up with me because he said that I had a drug problem and I wasn't totally against the idea of breaking up because he is still in college and drink socially...a lot. Sometimes when he would drink he would yell at me and turn into a real a**hole. And even more, he did drugs with me. How does that make me have the problem? Anyway, he says we are not together right now because of my problem. I am trying to get everything under control, but is it wrong for me to need his support to get through it? Well, we have been hanging out more over the last month, and I think I want to get back together. I talked to him last night to see if he wanted to hang out and he said he would call me back. He didn't and he usually always calls me when he gets in from going out and he didn't! I graduated from college back in December and he is still in college. Does anyone think that this is the problem since he is still in college mode and hasn't grown up yet? I was living with my boyfriend up until about a month ago when I moved in with one of my best friends. Everything was going great, but now she is dating one of his best friends. I feel like I am constantly under a watchful eye by this guy and anything I do he will go and tell my ex. Now, I am just feeling extremely lonely and lost. Most of my friends graduated with me and have moved away, but I just can't seem to leave. But, now I am wondering what is keeping me here with very few good friends and an ex boyfriend I am inevitably going to run into when I am out. I love him with all my heart...two and a half years taught me that. I just feel like I am being used. It seem like he wants to hang out when it is convienent for him and I hate that I am subjecting myself to that. I know he loves me, but should I break off all ties so that he will see what he's missing? I mean he is having his cake and eating it too!! Someone please help me!! I can't eat, can't quit crying. I feel like I am back at square one! Someone tell me what to do about this loneliness before to drags me too far down....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: christy2122001
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:55pm
I haven't read your other posts, but I have some thoughts for you. You wrote, "I am trying to get everything under control, but is it wrong for me to need his support to get through it?" Right or wrong isn't the question you should be asking. The questions you should be asking yourself are these:

1)"Am I trying to get my drug use under control because it is harmful to me and I don't like my behavior when under the influence?" or 2) "Am I trying to stop using drugs because he thinks I have a problem, doesn't want me to use, or doesn't like how I behave when intoxicated?" (It doesn't matter that he participated with you, that's just focusing on his behavior rather than your own which won't help you.)

If your answer is yes to the first question, and he still uses drugs, you won't be able to get it under control if you continue to associate with him. If he's not still using drugs, and is hanging out with you for his convenience/sex/whatever and you are feeling used, it's not his support to overcome your drug habit that you're seeking - what you want is his love and attention and he's not giving it because he doesn't feel that for you anymore, regardless of the reason he gives you. It's not that he hasn't grown up yet, although he may be immature, it's that he doesn't want to be with you the same way you want to be with him. But I'm sure he likes the benefits you offer him.

If your answer is yes to the second question, no amount of his support will help you overcome it because you must want to do this for yourself. Doing it for someones else never works more than temporarily. If you want to stop using drugs for you, you should enter a program and get serious about it. If you want to begin the journey to get over him, then you must cut off all contact with him. You two broke up, and as long as you keep seeing him you'll continue to suffer. That doesn't mean you won't feel lonely for a period of time after you stop seeing him, but you will get over him eventually. Continuing to see him will prevent your recovery indefinetly.