Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???
42
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:17am
Hi Everyone,

I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.

Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.

Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?

Please help!!??

Shay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:58am
Hi Shay :)

It sounds to me like ther is definitely more here than meets the eye. Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do to make him talk to you about whatever it is. Guys (especially boyfriends) don't just suddenly NOT call a girl they've been talking to every day for 2 years. Something is up. By the same token, he may feel like you're nagging him and be reluctant to tell you what's really going on with him.

You could handle this a couple of ways. One, next time he doesn't call, don't freak out because he's done this before. Don't hunt him down. In fact, don't call him at all. Let him be the one to freak out for a change. Or, you could ask him if there's anything bothering him (see what he says) and give him some space for awhile.

Either way, I think it's time for you to seriously reevaluate this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:10am
"I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it '

Do you think he is being honest with you or he is up to his cheating ways again? If I were you I would find a way to prove him right or wrong. You have to get to the bottom of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:00pm
Hi, that's the thing Gina. I don't know whether he's being honest or not. I can't say for sure that he's not because I don't want to wrongly accuse him of lyeing to me. At the same time I can't help but to think that he may have been doing other thing. I know for a fact that he was home because my best friend lives very close to him and she said that his car was in his driveway and the lights were on in the house. I just don't know how to go about finding out what's going on. Then, even if he really just didn't feel like going out to the car to get his phone and he really did fall asleep the other times should that be acceptable to me? Am I crazy for being bothered that he didn't feel like going to his car to get his phone so that he could say goodnight to me when he knows I like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:16pm
It sounds like you don't trust him and that you EXPECT a "bed-check" call every single night to put you at ease. If he doesn't do this exactly as you expect then you get upset. It does come across as demanding and do you really want to be in a relationship with so little trust?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:00pm
He's probably cheating on you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:46pm
I think the reason why you want him to call you every night is because you have really never gotten over him cheating on you. I think in your mind you think that if he calls you, he's not cheating on you. Whatever your logic might be - what are your instincts telling you? Meaning, what is your gut reaction to him not calling you for like 3 nights this week and then his defensive attitude with you today? It all seems fishy to me and he might be trying to do things that aren't condusive to your relationship.

Whatever the case might be - you need to follow your instincts on this one because they will never lead your wrong.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:16pm
Hi huggnic,

I think you and Magic.man are right when you say that I'm still not really over him cheating on me before. I guess I'm really not and the secretive behavior and the defensive attitude as well as the lame excuses are not helping me either. He's a rather strange character in general and there have been times where I thought in my mind and even my instincts were telling me that he was doing something wrong and he wasn't and he actually proved to me that he wasn't. I haven't had those kinds of problems(possible cheating)with him for awhile now but this situation is really bothering me because I just don't understand the reasons that he's giving. I plan to talk to him today to tell him how I feel and somehow get to the bottom of these things that I'm feeling right now. I really don't know how to get to the bottom of it without telling him that I don't believe what he told me and asking him to let me see his phone to check if he actually made calls lastnight at all. By the same token I feel sick that I even have to go through this to begin with.But realistically I don't have to go through this and in a way I just want to say to h--- with it and just leave him alone completely and be by myself. Not just because of the phone situation but because of everything and his attitude about it all which is that I should just trust and not question him about anything even though he's done wrong in the past and even though his behavior mimics a great deal the behavior that he was exhibiting at the time that he was cheating on me.I want desparately to trust him but it's hard when he stays so defensive about everything I ask him. It makes me think he has something to hide.

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:51pm
I think he's simply trying to prove that he is in charge in the relationship and that he'll do whatever he wants to do- no matter how much it makes you mad. Cheating or not cheating- he's not respecting your wishes, which after 2 years is a big no no. He completely disregarded your requests 3 nights in a row- INTENTIONALLY. Think of it this way- If he really was cheating on you, and he didn't want you to find out, he WOULD be calling you so you don't get suspicious. I'm not sure I would say he's cheating on you.. but if he is, he probably doesn't care if you find out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:39pm
Hi Jap,

What you said makes perfect sense to me now that i think about it. He's always talking about the fact that he doesn't have to answer to anyone and he does what he wants to do. I almost feel like he's doing this regardless of my telling him that it bothers me to sort of get me used to him not calling and doing only what he wants to do or feels like doing. You're right, it's not acceptable especially after being together so long but what could i say if anything?

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 6:43pm
I really wish I could give you a quick fix answer, but there really isn't one. My boyfriend is very similar to yours. He doesn't like to be told what he must do, and what he can or can not do. We have been together for over 3 years, but we have broken up twice within that time frame. He likes his freedom and likes to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants (not cheating, though). I'm very insecure and I like to have those phone calls before he goes to bed when he's out of town (just to give that little bit of reassurance that there isn't someone in bed with him). He's gotten better though. Believe it or not, what really helped us was him breaking up with me this last time (I broke up with him the first time atleast a year before this). He realized that he didn't want to be without me and wanted back in after about a week and a half. I told him no. I made him see that I didn't NEED a relatoinship and that I needed those reassurances (meanwhile I was dying inside but knew if I gave in, it would just back to the old ways). Then after about a week I told him that we could try again, but since it was the second breakup that I wasn't going to go through it again... so the next time would be for good. We still have problems (obviously, or I wouldn't even be on this board...) but I've just come to realize that that's HOW HE IS. He probably always going to be that way, and I've learned to accept it. Just as he has learned to accept my insecurities. My only suggestion to you would be to let him see that you DON'T NEED HIM. If he doesn't know that, and if he thinks he will get away with anything, he will continue what he's doing without a second thought. Unfortunately for me, my boyfriend still has problems with going through spurts of not spending much time with me. But anyway, that's a whole other issue. I hope this helps, and good luck!!

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