Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???
42
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:17am
Hi Everyone,

I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.

Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.

Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?

Please help!!??

Shay

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:33pm

Well, heck, yeah, she doesn't trust him, and with good reason--he cheated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:42am
My view on expectations is that they need to be evaluated on 3 levels:

1 - Are they fair

2 - Are they reasonable

3 - Would you accept and adhere to the expectation if they would be placed on you.

If a person answers YES to all three then the expectation should be discussed and agreed to with the other person for the expectation to move forward in a reasonable manner.

What we don't know is the level of trust (if any) the OP has with her BF and what needs to be done for a reasonable level of trust to be regained. Personally, cheating is a deal-breaker for me so the OP's situation would not even occur in my life. The OP has decided to stay with this man so some balance in the expectations is required.

I don't think its right to place an expectation on someone that is not agreed to, as a hoop that must be jumped through until a level of trust is achieved. That is not a way to resolve a significant issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:11am
I just have a thought. Since he says his mother expects him to call and he "doesn't break his neck" for her, either, maybe he feels women are controlling. If that's the case, maybe you could explain to him that the more willing he is to meet your needs for reassurance, the less you'll have them. It's a little like when a counselor gives their number to a client to lessen their desire to call. IF you know he's available when you need him, you won't need him so much. I think that's reasonable. Especially considering that he's violated your trust before.

If the women in his life really were controlling, it might take a lot to prove to him you're different. Or you may never be able to. It sounds like he's pretty defensive in general.

Best of luck.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:43pm

But he HAS agreed to do it, according to the original post,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:30pm
If a person states they are going to do something then their actions better match the words - that is what integrity & honor are all about. For the times in which he said he was going to call then he should have. An occasional slip may be tolerated but there needs to be consistency the vast majority of times.

Perhaps the OP needs to clearly tell her BF that she expects a bed-check call every single night at 11pm regardless if they have talked during the day or not. He needs to know that she expects this if trust is to be regained. She will also need to clearly state the resulting consequences should he fail to meet her expectation. That way he will know exactly where she stands and he can make a choice if this is something he can reasonably do.

If she does not clearly state her expectation yet complains when its not met, then that is a totally different problem.

The point I'm trying to make is that expectations must be clear, fair, reasonable, timely and agreed to by both parties for them to be effective. Expectations are not a one-way street. If they become a one-way street then there is significant risk that they will be used for control & manipulation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 12:14am
yes i so agree with the previous post. it might seem to him as manipulative and controlling if you tell him to call you, get upset when he doesn't... i know in our points of view we have a reason to, but in theirs they just think you are overreacting. some men just don't like to be on the phone or have to call, like a commitment or a requirement. a nag.

what could help is to explain your reasons behind why - that you need reassurance, and you just like to hear his voice. and let him know that you don't set around and wait for his call forever - if he doesn't make an effort, these are the things that will drive you away from him. let him know where you stand.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:55am

hi sassy. i am apologizng - i didn't read all the other responses, so i may repeat something that was already said....


you are supposed to be in a loving committed relationship, and not a jail sentance. i know that he "agreed" to call you every night, but it seems to me that your insisting that he does so has more to do with your "distrust" and less with it being part of a "normal" relationship (frankly, i don't see why he HAS to call you EVERY night, if you had dinner, and spoke during the day, but that's me). and while he agreed to do so - i am presuming that his agreeing to do so has more to do with your putting alot of pressure on him and less with him really wanting to. in short - you are forcing him to do something he doesn't believe in, and so at the first chance he has - he will stop doing it. he told you that he feels that you are checking up on him. you are trying to control him and the relationship, and that is just not healthy. and it doesn't mean he is cheating right now, he may just have had enuf with your efforts at controling.


if

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:35am
Hello All,

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I must say I agree wholeheartedly with everyone's replies for different reasons. I 'd also like to make clear that from the start of my relationship and even after the cheating I never ever told bf that he HAD to call everynight reguardless of whether we spoke during the day or not. It was just something he always did. As a result of him always doing this I expressed to him that it made me feel good and that I liked it a lot so he continued to do it. During the time that he was being unfaithful he began to spiratically not call me at night at times and gave reasons such as I fell a sleep etc. At that time I didn't know he was cheating so i believed those excuses and didn't bother him about it at all I just said ok. Later on after the cheating was put out in the open and we decided to stay together and work on our relationship he resumed calling everynight and always saying that he would do so. In addition to that he let me know that he knew he had to make extra efforts to prove that he was no longer doing those things(cheating)and that he didn't have a problem with that. He knows how important his word is to me on any level. I don't lie to him and I don't want to be lied to. If I tell him that i'm going to do something I do it. Lately he has been telling me just like always that he'll call me later or that he'll call before going to be and he is not doing that. The excuses that he is giving me greatly mirror the excuses that he was giving at the time when he was being unfaithful to me and that is causing some conscern for me. I want desparately to be able to trust bf but I'm finding it very hard under the circumastances. To me it's not so much hearing from him every night but it's the possibility that he is taking that time and using it to talk to someone else because I can't pretend that it hasn't been bthe case before. If I close my eyes to it and just take everything he's saying and not question my instincts I'm setting myself up for the same world of pain that I set myself up for the first time around in my relationship with him where he hurt me so badly. I just don't want to go through that again. I love him dearly but I can't play dumb for him and act like i'm not feeling a little deja vous(sure i didn't spell that right).I ask for very little from him but yes as a result of situations of the past I do require more reassurance than ever before from him and it seems to me like he's either just refusing to give it to me for whatever reason or either he's doing something wrong. I know I can't continue on like this because I'm not happy with it and i'm so sure he's not either but I didn't cheat on him and never did. He's the one that cheated on me.I don't know, maybe this relationship is more trouble than it's worth. Is there anyone out there that has/is successful moving on in there relationship after their SO cheated? If so I'd like to hear from any of you guys. I really wanna know how you did it and how you were able to get past it because i don't know if i can. It especially makes it hard when you generally are dealing with a very quirky and secretive individual anyway.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 12:06pm

I would recommend that you lurk and read posts on the Betrayed Spouse Support board...there's a lot of information there about what it takes to rebuild a marriage after cheating.


Have you told your BF what his not calling triggers in you (i.e., it's the same behavior as when

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:33pm
I just wanna' say that it was a very smart move on your part when you turned down your ex-boyfriend when he was trying to get you back...I completely agree w/ u when u say that u need to let your boyfriend know that you don't NEED to be in a relationship & that you don't depend on him to make you happy. I've been in similar situations and and been hurt many times before but in the long run I've learned you need to respect his wishes when he says he needs his space, but at the same time he needs to give a little too. I think it sucks that we have to play these games w/ men but I guess it's just necessary sometimes. Good luck w/ your situation in regards to spending time (i know how it is!)..at least he's willing to work things out w/ you, cuz' most guys bail as soon as their girlfriend starts complaining. =)