Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???
42
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:17am
Hi Everyone,

I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.

Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.

Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?

Please help!!??

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 8:40am

I think to me the "bed check" call is no longer about something he wants to do and is now about something he "has" to do in order to make you "feel better" about the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:05am
Hello Everyone,

Sheri, thanks for the tip about the healing after betrayle board. I'll definately look into that.It makes me feel bad that in my mind I question everything he says and does. I say in my mind because mostly that's what it is. I never really let on that I doubt the thingsd he tells me etc. I'm sure to some degree he knows though. Personally, I don't think that he feels my wanting him to call has to do with me trusting him or not trusting him as much as he thinks it has to do with me wanting to control his actions which is not true. We had a great weekend together and on Saturday we talked and he actuallywanted me to look at his cellphone prev. calls etc. to show me that he wasn't with or on the phone with anyone else those nights that he wasn't calling me.He insisted that I look and so I saw that he was telling the truth.I was happy about that.He was happy too and we decided to put it to rest but.......

More Crap:

Yesterday(Sunday) I had gone home and he said that he would call me later which he did. He called me at 9:30 Sunday night.We were having a nice conversation and laughing etc. Then as usual when I'm speaking to him from my main home line I couldn't hear him very well. So what I do from time to time when that happens is call him from another line in my house, one that I hardly ever use. Usually I just continue talking to him and then go into the other room and pick up the phone and dial his number while i'm still talking to him on my main line. At somepoint he usually says who's calling me and I say click over it's me or something to that effect. This time I did the same thing except I didn't tell him to click over right away because I was distracted a bit by something that was going on in my house so the phone kinda rang a couple of times and instead of him saying who's this calling me he says"I'll call you back it's my mom" I said huh? He said"let me call you right back" I said"No, it's me click over" He paused for awhile and I could tell he was embarrased. I became really upset because he knew d--- well that it wasn't his mother calling so why would he say that? First of all when his mom calls or anyone that lives in her house for that matter her name comes up on his phone. Not only that but her areacode is completely different from the areacodes in my area because she lives really far south. So he knew that it wasn't anyone in his family. It was obvious to me that he had no clue who it was and that there was a possibility that it could have been another girl so he said that he was going to call me back and that it was his mom.Is that not strange or is it just me? I don't know how anyone else would have felt but I felt so stupid at that point. What if it hadn't been me on the other line? What if it really were someone else. If he said I'll call you back my mom is calling me then I would've said ok and I would have never known that he had lied.Again, am I overreacting? Now I can't help but to think about all the times when someone has calle while we were on the phone and he said oh, let me call you back it's my mom or my sister or some other family memeber. How many times was he lyeing then? It's like I want to trust him but everytime I feel like it's ok something stupid like this happens almost immediately.I'm soooo confused right now and I don't know what to do. If I let this go and don't address it then he'll think he got away with it and continue to lie to me. Now what???

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:24am
I've read all the replies on this thread and a part of me thought that you were over- reacting. I use to have an insecure boyfriend that needed reassurances a lot. That irritates the h-ll out of me and I have little tolerance for people like that. In your case, you were cheated on so that makes it a bit understandable.

Your last post though IS cause for alarm. Confront him, just come out and ask him if he's cheating, tell him all the signs you've seen and what your instincts are telling you. If you confronting him leads to the demise of the relationship, then accept that and move on. You shouldn't have to live in paranoia over any relationship. It does something to your mind when you have to keep looking over shoulders.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:36am
Well, it sounds like these kinds of things that 'don't make sense' happen a lot. Quite frankly, he did cheat on you before and you will remember that forever. With that said, you're always going to be reading into things, whether they are things are SHOULD be read into or not. In my opinion, if this is already driving you crazy, and this isn't something you want to have to live with, then you should end the relationship. These insecurities and questionable actions on his part aren't going to go away. If you can't handle it now, chances are you won't be able to handle it in a week/month/or year. You're already attached, but the longer you wait, the more attached you will be. Unfortunately, it's so easy for a guy to just say sorry and give you a sweet little kiss, and it's so much easier for us to fall right back in and forget everything until a day later when it happens again. It sounds like a never ending cycle. Is he cheating? Don't know... but will you ever REALLY know?? You know he's capable of it, so you'll always wonder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:30pm

I don't see the big red flag here, maybe he was just waiting for a call from his mother and was switching over to get that call, I mean he OBVIOUSLY wasn't able to see the caller ID or he would have seen it was YOU on the other line and not said what he said.


Listen, you have to either trust him or not trust him and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi James,

First I'd like to say thanks for your reply. Next I need to tell you that Yes, in fact he was able to look at the caller id and he did do it. He looked at the caller id but did not recognize the number because I was calling him from a number that I had only called him from a couple of times before so he had no idea who it was but YES he did look at the caller id and in no way shape or form does his mom's number resemble the number that I called him from because it's not even in the same areacode and no he wasn't expecting a call from his mom at all.

I agree that I should not read into everything he says but I cannot overlook this. This was an indication to me that he on some lovel is being dishonest again. Maybe he's not outright cheating on me in the physical sense but from the situation lastnight I can see that he has not been honest when he tells me that there are no other women that he has dealings with or even talks on the phone with aside from me and the friends of his that I know about. An innocent person wouldn't look at the callerid and see that it's not his mother but still say "oh, that's my mom I'll have to call you back." That's not the least bit fishy to you James?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:52pm

Okay, so I then ask you two things:


1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:56pm
What was his tone of voice when he said ... "oh, that's my mom I'll have to call you back."? Was he sarcastic or teasing? With the way you analyze and treat him perhaps he was making fun of the fact that YOU were calling him on another line. He's aware of your bed-check requirement so perhaps he was teasing that you can be just like his mother from days gone by.

I agree with James in that you are making all sorts of assumptions and potential accusations without all the facts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:07pm
Shay,

After reading all the replies you have gotten and espeically the info in #19 - I say TRUST your gut feeling. But stop making yourself crazy.

Sit him down and tell him that his patterns of behavior are matching the time of when he was cheating on you and they are triggering your fears AND all of these things are making it hard to believe him. Ask him - do you want out? Working on this isn't getting us anywhere... would you like to go to counseling with me or should we end it and save us some heartache? Chances are he won't confirm or deny anything if he is cheating....how did you find out last time?

What do you want? If he is cheating again can you keep doing this to yourself? If he's not cheating, is he really willing to step up to the plate and help you with rebuilding trust by going to counseling? If not, you will have your answer.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:14pm
Well, I know he wasn't expecting a call from his mom #1 because before I decided to call him on the other phone we were just having a regular convo. and he was talking about how his mom was supposed to come to his house that day but that she decided not to for some reason and then he said that he would just give her a call tomorrow from work. #2 I know that he looked at the number because A)It's a habbit that he and I both have with our cellphones he's seen me do it and I see him do it all the time. Whenever we are on our phones and someone else calls we take the phone from our ear and look at it really quickly to see where the call is coming from before answering it and when this happens the person has no idea that we have taken the phone from our ear because it is done so quickly but he can always tell when I do it to him and I can always tell when he does it to me.B)I also know he looked at the caller id because when I asked him why he would think it was his mom when he knows that his mom doesn't have a number with that areacode he said he thought she could possibly be calling from another number.Which confirms the fact that he did see the number.I still can firmly stand by the fact that he knew his mom wasn't calling because she lives about an hour and a half away from he and I and she was definately at home. If she was not at her house but somewhere in her area be it at a friends house or another relatives house or whatever the areacode would have still been the same. It would not have been the one that I called him from.

The only information I'm missing at this point is who it is that he thought it was because I know for a fact that he didn't think it was his mom. He was even nervous when he was saying it but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with that too.