Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???
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| Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:17am |
I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.
Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.
Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?
Please help!!??
Shay

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He wasn't sarcastic or teasing at all. He was very serious and a bit nervous even. He even got a little annoyed when he said I'll call you back and I said no.I was only saying no to tell him that it was me on the other line but he didn't know that.If he had stopped saying I'll call you back I would have been able to tell him sooner that it was in fact me on the other line. He thought that I was saying no because I didn't want him to get off the phone with me and it showed because he said "I said i'll call you right back" in a pretty snappy tone.When I revealed that it was me he became quiet and even said "Oh" I could tell that he was a bit embarrased. He didn't say anything for a minute and that's when I got upset and I asked him why he would say it was his mom when he knew it wasn't her. He then started talking about how it could've been her calling from a diff #.
I agree with you about the making me crazy thing because that is exactly what this whole thing is doing. I feel so bad for not trusting him and questioning the things he tells me but his behavior is so questionable. Not only for someone who has cheated before but someone who may not have cheated also. The thing is that it's hard for me to determine when he's being dishonest and when he is not because even when it's proven that nothing is going on he seemingly goes out of his way to be secretive and defensive. He asks me questions like where'd you go after work and what did you do and i give him a complete run down. Not because I don't want him to think I was doing something wrong because that's not even an option for me when I'm in a relationship but because I like to talk about my day with him and tell him the things that I did etc. If I ask him what he did or anything like that he says nothing much or he makes a smart comment but then when we're talking about something else later he'll start completely running off his day to me and telling me what he did. It seems as if he doesn't like to be asked anything but has no problem asking me questions. In so many ways I want to treat him exactly the way he treats me and react the same way he does to questions etc. but I just won't be myself if I play those kinds of games. I don't know what else to do. IT's useless talking to him about it because we never get anywhere and he just ends up twisting everything around to make it seem as though I'm just picking on him for no reason out of the blue and then he starts telling me I think I'm perfect and naming everything that i've ever done even remotely wrong in our relationship namely arguements that we've had months ago that he feels were my fault.I can't talk to him about what's going on now with us without him bringing up those things. Although he cheated in the past I rarely bring it up because mainly I just don't like to rehash it but also because I know he's uncomfortable with it and it makes him feel bad so I try to just deal with the present with him and even in the present time he's displaying similar behavior so how do I get over what happened before when his personality and behavior are constant reminders of those things.
Shay, most couples married or not, cannot overcome infidelity on their own. It takes rebuilding together in counseling, because all the issues have to be addressed.
If a relationship makes you this *crazy*, this anxious, it's not the one for you.
My best to you.
Carrie
To answer your question honestly my insecurities began definately after the cheating. Actually though they began when I started to suspect he was cheating on me which turned out to be when he first started cheating so my instincts at that time were on target. He had no idea until I actually found out for sure(went to his house and exgf was there)that i suspected anything at all because i kept trying to talk myself out of the possibility that he was cheating on me since everything up to that point had seemed so good between us. I've honestly never been a very jealous person in general unless someone gave me good reason to be. At the start of our relationship bf was so attentive and the relationship was ideal. I felt very secure in it and I didn't question anything. There was once early in our relationship like a month and a half or two months in where we had spoken on the phone during work hours and he told me that he would call me later that night but he didn't at all which was the first time that he didn't call but then he emailed me at work the next morning apologizing up a storm and saying that he went out for a drink after work with his co workers and got in really late. He said that he was sorry and that he wouldn never do anything like that again and that no matter what he would always make it a point to call in the future. I was even a bit taken back because I was curious about why he didn't call but I didn't think much of it at all and I didn't even mention it but it was him that made a big deal about it as if it was so out of character for him not to call. Early on in our relationship I was probably too comfortable and too carefree and definately too naive. He could've told me that he was going to the moon and I would not have second guessed him at all because up until the lieing and cheating began he had given me no reason to do so.
The only information I'm missing at this point is who it is that he thought it was because I know for a fact that he didn't think it was his mom. He was even nervous when he was saying it but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with that too.
No.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
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PLEASE LISTEN TO ME FOR THE 80TH TIME WHEN I SAY THAT YES I DID ASK HIM WHY HE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS MOTHER ON THE PHONE. I ASKED HIM AS SOON AS IT HAPPENED AND NO I'M NOT JUST JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.I'M NOT ALWAYS THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED BUT I WOULDN'T COME AND POST THIS HERE FOR EVERYONE TO REPLY TO BASED ON ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I ASKED HIM WHY HE WOULD SAY THAT IT WAS HIS MOM AND HE JUST SAID "WELL,I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS HER BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THAT REALLY CALLS MY PHONE BESIDES YOU"(which also is not true because he does have friends that call) I SAID WELL THAT'S FINE BUT YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HER NUMBER AND HE SAID"WELL, SHE COULDA BEEN CALLING FROM ANOTHER NUMBER" THAT'S JUST CRAZY! THAT'S LIKE AT ANY GIVEN TIME YOU RECIEVING A CALL FROM A NUMBER THAT YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T RECALL EVER SEEING BEFORE AND YOU SAY TO SOMEONE"OH, THIS IS MY WIFE" WHEN YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO IT IS 1) BECAUSE YOU HAVE HER NUMBER PROGRAMMED INTO YOUR PHONE(ALL HER NUMBERS)AND IF SHE CALLED FROM ANY OF THOSE NUMBERS HER NAME AND NUMBER WOULD BE DISPLAYED 2)THE NUMBER IS TOTALLY OUT OF AN AREA THAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE CALLING YOU FROM SO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT IT WAS HER EVEN IF YOU RARELY GET CALLS FROM ANYONE ELSE.I PERSONALLY WOULD FIND IT FAR MORE ACCEPTABLE TO SAY THAT IT WAS A WRONG NUMBER BEFORE SPOUTING OUT THAT IT WAS YOUR WIFE.BUT MAYBE I REALLY AM CRAZY.LOL. PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M BEING RUDE AT ALL BECAUSE I'M NOT.I REALLY APPRECIATE EVERYTHING EVERYONE HAS TO SAY AND I'M SOOOOOO HAPPY THAT I'M GETTING SO MANY DIFFERENT TAKES ON MY SITUATION. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE REALLY CLEAR FOR EVERYONE WHO POSTS AND FOR SOME REASON I JUST DON'T THINK YOU GET ME JAMES.LOL IF I CAN PROVIDE ANY ADDITIONAL INFO I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DO SO:)
Additionally, I agree with the fact that I'm lacking some serious trust in this relationship and I really wish that i wasn't. I want to be able to trust him again but if things persist along these lines it might be impossible. I don't think he would be willing to go to counceling with me at all because he is just dead set against it so that's something else i need to consider. At the same time I'm not going to ASSUME that he wouldn't go to counceling with me if I told him that it was important to our relationship and to me. Instead I'm going to ask him directly even though he's expressed negative feelings about counceling(on his own) in the past and then draw my conclusions from that. :)
Thanks,
Shay
I can totally understand why you would be suspiscious. I have had a similar thing happen with my b/f a few months ago (hes never cheated on me as far as I know) but I was still a bit anxious to see who had called when he had said it was his mum. I knew it wasnt his mum calling because I had spoken to her like 1/2 hour before hand and she was stuck in traffic and her phone battery died while she was talking to me. It just seemed weird, if you think it might be someone calling and it doesnt turn out to be who you think it is, why not say, "i thought it was mum, but it turned out that it wasnt". I dont know if this makes me sound insecure, ( i most probably am because of the things that past b/f's have done) but no one likes being lied to. I later checked his phone (which is bad i know) but there were received calls and msgs from that number (turned out to be some girl he has been "studying" with at Uni)....i was really annoyed...why couldnt he just tell me who it was, rather than be mysterious.
Ive read all 38 posts, and I tend to disagree with James, only because there is no need to be dishonest at all, and if he is, and you know about it, there is no reason why you shoudnt be upset about it, and trust can be easily lost, and once you know that he has been lying, even if its about the smallest thing, it makes you wonder about what else he has been lying about.
Shay, that wasn't the 80th time you told me that, that was the first time you mentioned that you asked him and what his answer was, go back and read your posts.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
IF you marry a guy like that, you'll learn the hard way just how EASY it is to get over a guy like that, like I did. Just look to the future: endless uncertainty, questioning, arguments, insecurities, etc. And my ex WAS cheating, big-time. If a guy doesn't care enough to offer you reasonable reassurances, he doesn't care enough. All of my life, I thought I expected too much, as some others have implied to you, but I just think most people just don't want to GIVE enough.
When a person won't be honest, there's nothing you can do to change them, from my experience. There's also nothing to work with. You'll forever get the run-around, denials, accused of reading things into things, etc. If you get blessed enough to experience a HONEST relationship, you'll recognize the difference. Just like when they teach bank tellers to learn to tell counterfeit $ from real, they teach them to study the real bills because counterfeits are ENDLESS.
Best of luck to you!
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