Help!!! Am I being unreasonable???
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| Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:17am |
I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.
Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.
Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?
Please help!!??
Shay

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Thank you and hugs to you for your reply. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what a possible future with bf would be like. Frankly I decided that I didn't like it at all. I know that when I'm in a relationship I tend to provide a lot of security because that is what I want. I'm a big believer in treating people the way you would have them treat you and that is what I do. I know it's far from guaranteed that you'll always get that in return but I guess I was hoping that someone who claimed to love me and want to be with me in a commited relationship would have no problem with doing everything he could to show me how important our relationship is to him. My bf just doesn't feel that way. Even though he cheated on me in the past his take on the situation is that any insecurities that I may have as a result of that are my own problem. They are things that I have to deal with on my own and that he shouldn't have to do anything extra to prove anything. Honestly bf has no time to physically cheat on me right now because we spend all of our free time together so I know he's not seeing anyone but I do think that he's possibly talking to people on the phone and via email and there's no telling where that can lead.I know that if I stay in this relationship I'll never have a moments rest because I'll always be wondering what he's doing and what's going on because he'll always be his shady self. As far as being married to him goes, i know it just wouldn't work. I love him so much and for the most part I feel that he loves me too but like the song goes "Sometimes Love just ain't enough".
Thanks again,
Shay
I think if you worry yourself sick about your b/f you'll focus too much on this and not think about the type of relationship you established in the first place with him. I used to freak out if my b/f didn't talk to me everyday, but I soon learned that we needed to give each other some breathing space. We see each other three times a week but we're both busy people. The days we don't see each other, we try and chat on AIM or give each other a short call. I learned that if you push things too much, a guy is going to turn away from you. Once I stepped back and gave him a little bit more space, he ended up calling me and saying sweet things like,"I don't want you to go home, I like it when you are here." There was a time I complained that we didn't talk everyday and that he called less, and that almost made us break up.
Missing a person is a nice thing to feel, I've learned. I don't know how it is with someone you've been with for two years. We haven't reached that point yet, but I believe we make our relationship stronger as we repect each other and allow the person to be the person they want to be.
Have a heart to heart talk with him and lay out the foundation. Ask him what he wants in this relationship and you tell him the things you need. If the other person can't meet your needs, it's time to rethink the relationship. Sometimes it's just as simple as letting the other person know what you want and how you feel. Good luck!!!!
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