Help! BF gave me HPV
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:58am |
I am in search of advice/help for a serious problem that is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and also my mental health. I recently found out that I have high risk HPV and am awaiting further tests. I was really upset and shocked when i found out that i had this virus since i was a virgin before i met my bf. I have been going crazy for the past 3 weeks, blaming both myself and him.
He was married for 6 months 3 years before he met me. I am almost sure that his ex-wife gave him the disease. Last night, we had another fight and I almost jumped out of a moving vehicle when we got into an ugly fight. He said that his ex-wife bled way more than me the first time they had sex and that she had even been married before him. I'm not sure if he was trying to imply that he didn't believe i was a virgin or if he was defending her.
Before we had sex, I tried to get info about his past sex history. I was concerned about pregnancy and STDs. He assured me that he was clean and had taken STD tests and that it didn't matter how many girls he had slept with. Infact, he never told me that he was divorced until 1 month after we had slept together. Also, he had slept with 3-4 girls AFTER the STD tests which he recently told me.
Everything is such a mess and I am having a hard time separating what is trivial and what is not. I am really scared that I will end up with cervical cancer or some other horrible effect of HPV. I would really appreciate any help or advice with dealing with this. I want our relationship to work, I want to marry this guy but his history and my virus infection is making me crazy. Please help. Thank you so much!

My bf gave me HPV too. He didn't know he had it because according to my research on HPV, it's extremely difficult to test if a male has HPV or not. The test are usually not accurate. He had girlfriends before and he must have gotten it from one of them since I was a virgin when I first met him too. HPV can get worse if you don't use condoms from now on. My gyno tells me that usually the virus clears up on its own but I have to make sure I use a condom every time I have sex. That way it doesn't initiate regrowth of the virus. My gyno had to "freeze" some cells in my cervical to stop the growth of HPV. I don't know what your gyno has recommend. Don't worry tooo much about it. Just make sure to protect yourself from now on. There is nothing else you can do to help it. Your bf probably didn't know he had it either.
Take care.
YOu need to do a search on google and read more into this disease - it is not a huge deal, 2nd you need to talk to your doctor and get more info.
There are 2 types of HPV mainly - there's the kind that gives you warts down there and this can occur to both men and women.
Then there's the type that causes your pap smear to come back abnormal - which i think it is the kind you have since you said you were worried about cervical cancer. This second kind of HPV has no symptons in men. Your bf could have gotten it from his ex or any woman he has been with, he has no way to know. When you said he has been tested for std's that is probably true - they don't give HPV tests to men or women when they go into the doc's office and ask for std tests - reason? the tests are very expensive, they have to do an DNA test - 2nd it is almost impossible to test the men anyway. PLus like I said since HPV is so common, it's not a big deal. Millions of men have it and will never have a sign. And millions of women have it and will never have abnormal pap, only some women, like yourself, will get abnormal pap smears. But just b/c you have one bad pap, once they get rid of the cells, you are going to be ok. Once in a while the cells come back. The time to worry is if you have HPV and you don't go to the doc for like 5 yrs, so they can't get rid of the cells, then it could turn into cancer, As long as you go to your yearly checkups you should be fine.
It is possible that your bf's ex has HPV but will never have a pap smear come back abnormal, everyone is different.
If your pap smear came back abnormal, they will probably do a biopsy on your cervix, if they haven't already. All they do is lay you back, and get a sample, you will feel a pinch when they get it.
Then based upon that test, they will freeze your cervix or burn it (called a LEEP procedure). They will give you some pain medicine, you will be awake, and both procedures only take like 10 minutes. After both they tell you to refrain from sex for a couple of weeks.
Usually you will go back to the doc like 3 months later, they will check you out.. if for some reason the cells came back, they will repeat the procedure. Most of the time you will be fine.
You will have the HPV in you for the rest of your life. There is no cure and like I said it is important to go to the doc every year (like every woman should) to make sure nothing comes back.
Yes, there are rare cases that "horrible" side effects occur -- as you asked. These are rare and I would talk to your doctor. Sometimes when the HPV is very strong or the woman didn't get checked out enough, they will have to do an actual surgery and this could interfere w/ fertily. Again ask your doctor about your case.
Take a moment, calm down. There are lots of women going thru this too.
this guy has a problem being honest with you and has quite obviously lied to you several times, or witheld the truth if you rather. if he's lying like this now, its highly probable that it will continue throughout the marriage. from an outside view, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all. you honestly have no way of knowing anything about this man.
>>He said that his ex-wife bled way more than me the first time they had sex and that she had even been married before him. I'm not sure if he was trying to imply that he didn't believe i was a virgin or if he was defending her<<
this doesn't make sense unless she had a problem. generally, you only bleed like that your first time. maybe even the first couple. if she was previously married, i'm sure she had sex enough not to still be bleeding from the broken hymen. if he's defending her, then he may still have some issues with her, and do you really want to get mixed up in that??
>>Before we had sex, I tried to get info about his past sex history. I was concerned about pregnancy and STDs. He assured me that he was clean and had taken STD tests and that it didn't matter how many girls he had slept with. Infact, he never told me that he was divorced until 1 month after we had slept together. Also, he had slept with 3-4 girls AFTER the STD tests which he recently told me. <<
this should have sent up a red flag from the start. you never should have slept with this man to begin with. if he's not willing to divulge his sexual past, then there's something about it he's trying to hide. before you had sex, you both should have gone together and gotten tested. it DOES matter how many girls he's slept with, b/c he's technically had sex with everyone they've had sex with, and so have you. it was also EXTREMELY stupid to have unprotected sex with this man, when you didn't know his past especially.
>>I am having a hard time separating what is trivial and what is not<<
this is DEFINITELY not trivial. it is something very serious that will affect you for the rest of your life. he lied to you and as a result gave you a disease.
>>I want our relationship to work, I want to marry this guy but his history and my virus infection is making me crazy<<
you may WANT it to work, but do you NEED it?? you shouldn't be going through this. it may not seem like it now, but this guy is not worth it. you may think you love him, and maybe you do, or maybe this relationship happened so that when you do find love you will be able to recognize the difference btwn that and this. this guy is not healthy for you, mentally and physically, and things aren't likely to get better. you haven't been together for very long at all, and if he's already been this dishonest, what do you have to look forward to?
i really think you need to evaluate the situation from an outside view. what would you advise a girlfriend in the same position? unfortunately i don't really know anything about HPV, so i can't really help you there. but please do what is best for you in the long run. do you really want to end up in a trustless marriage??
Firstly, you should go to a physician (you probably have already) and do whatever research is necessary to find out all you can abut your condition and what you can do to take the best care of yourself now. How can you keep the effects of this to a minimum? If there are support groups for others with this condition, join one as well. Sooner or later you must come to peace with the fact that this is what happened, and you will do all you humanly can to take the best care of yourself now. Beyond that, worrying and imagining the worst will only destroy your peace of mine and not allow you to live fully. There is a certain amount of control we have in life and then beyond that, we must let go and let life.
It is certainly troubling that he lied to you in this way and even had sex with others after his STD test. The question you must answer to your satisfaction is can you trust him now? Is he honest with you? It might be a good idea for the two of you to see a professional couple counsellor to get this sorted out as feelings do run deep and there is a great deal at steak. You must be completely convinced that all is in order and that all can be trusted before you can proceede to a marriage with him.
Take good care of yourself. Be patient with yourself and attentive.
All best wishes.
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But I also wanted to say that if his ex was bleeding (and she wasn't a virgin) then she either was on her period or she has a medical problem she should have gone to the doctor for b/c it is not normal to bleed from sex after you have been devirginized. Bleeding or pain during sex can be a sign that there is something very wrong down there.
Also if a man waits to tell you that he was divorced, why would you consider him marriage material? I could see a man waiting a couple of dates to tell you his history, like if he was married before, but waiting a month and waiting til after you 2 had sex, is not a good sign. On my 1st date with my husband he told me that he had been married before, and that they had been too young and it didn't last. He was upfront and you want that kind of person.
It's too late now to say you should have used protection, but in the next relationship, be sure to use condoms, and if you see the guy hiding things, dump him.
You deserve someone who is honest with you from the start, and who won't hide things.
you need to separate the issues. you need to deal with the medical issue - find out everything you can about this, what you need to do, etc. its too late to say what you should have done differently - but from now on you need to take responsibility over your own health. i understand that you believed him when he said things to you - but now you know that people DO lie, and that sometimes those lies can cause you serious harm.
then you need to deal with the other stuff: your BF. i agree with the posters who raised the issue of his lying. to me - THAT would be the main issue here.
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Carrie