help! boyfriend is fed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
help! boyfriend is fed up
8
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 11:47pm
hi, ok well i posted a little while ago, but now there is a new problem that i don't know what to do to fix it.

well i get alot of attention from guys that in no way bring on. im very conservative in how i dress and quiet but i am always being approached by guys and my boyfriend doesnt like this. he always ends up getting angry when he sees it happening, which is understandable but he gets mad at me when i do nothing to bring it on and i dont ever flirt back.

just this weekend at his concert (hes in a band) some of the guys from the other band were talking to me and he got angry then i got annoyed be he ignored me all night when i only knew him and the other guys and we got into a big fight and he said he couldnt deal with guys flirting with me anymore. he said it makes him feel like sh*t when he has to constantly watch guys flirting with me and he said he couldn't deal with it anymore and he didnt want to go out anymore.

but after talking for awhile and after he calmed down from the fight we didnt end up breaking up but im worried we really will over this. what can i do to try and get him not to feel so bad about it or just not get that kind of attention anymore?

thanks so much

jesi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:30am
<<<>>>>


i'll tell you what. get fat. don't wash your hair and stop brushing your teeth. oh, and get a bunch of zits. when you've done all that, start being really rude to people. when you're done with that, don't leave the house and don't ever come in contact with any males in this world - ever - not in person and not on the phone. avoid all men entirely.

he'll be happy then.

get it? it's his problem. period. if he starts acting up about this and punishing you for actions of men when you do nothing but chitchat, then he's ready to be dealt with like the child he is.

you are not his possession. if he's so concerned about keeping you then perhaps he should start acting like it matters that he has you now.

if he doesn't back off, ditch him and don't look back. guys like him are bad news.

oh, and don't be flattered by this behavior, either. it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what he's lacking inside - and that's a lot of stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:18am

The problem here isnt that your a flirt or bring on unwanted attention, its that your boyfr3eind is too insecure to deal with it when it does happen. I would suggest having a talk with him about his insecutities, because teh problem isnt with you.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:41pm
While I agree that he has insecurity issues, I would also ask....what do you talk to these guys about? If they are flirting with you and coming on to you, do you tell them that their attention is unwelcomed, the way they are speaking to you is inappropriate and that you have a boyfriend or do you just let them chat away because you like the attention?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:29pm
that's also a good point, itwinflame... i took the stance that he's being unreasonable and she's being normal but there is always another side and some examples that always come into play...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:34pm
So this guy doesn't make you a priority(I read your last post), broke up with you once for a month and is very jealous. Do you feel that you have any control here? Are you even happy with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:46pm
ok to clear a few things up....i realize my last post was pretty vague. The thing that happened that sparked teh big fight was the 2 guys in the olther band came up to me and a friend and asked us where they could get some gum we told them then they left. I didn't even take it as flirting me and my friend are from around the area they're from out of town. but my bf said that i just never realize when guys are flirting with me. if a guy is obviously flirting with me i tell him thats flattering but i have a boyfriend or if their being dumber than i care to deal with i just roll my eyes and walk away. and he always gets mad. like one time one of his friends matt that i hadnt talked to very much but then at one of my bfs shows while he played me and matt stood together and there was no flirting going on matt is alot older than me. and afterwards my bf asked what i thought of matt and i said i thought he was friendly and hes not bad looking then the next night at a party matt walked into the room and i said nothing to him and my bf got mad and said it wasn't anything i said it was how i acted.

Yet he on the other hand he talks to girls online all the time and if very flirty with them. yet he says he isn't but they've told me he does come across flirty. i figure he does this because he has low self esteem and it boosts his confidence when they flirt back with him. i trust him and trust he isnt going to act on anything though. but its just such a hypocritical thing to do.

i love him very much and i love being with him and have so much in common with him and have fun with him its jsut when one of these fights happens it drives me crzy. and it isnt something that is very common it probably happens every few months though.

he even gets that way with his band guys that im like their sister you know? i've known them as long as he has about 2 years and we're jsut like a big family and he gets that way with them too. he only gets defensive over guys he veiws as good looking as well. cos a ugly guy could flirt with me very obviously and he doesn't get angry. i just don't know what to do.

it bothers me that he is flirty with grils online but he doesnt see it that and i've brought it up so many times he just doesnt see it the way i do.

i hope that cleared so things up.

jesi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:49pm
Yes, that cleared up a lot of things - so basically he's got issues - accuses you of what he's doing and doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior - needs the attention (online) of other women to boost his ego, has a double standard.

If you can't get him to go to couple's counseling with you, you might have to reconsider a future with this guy.

PS and you should be the one that is FED UP!


Edited 1/28/2004 3:55:45 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:06pm
Your boyfriend has rather obvious self-esteem problems, from the behavior you've described, and while you might be madly in love with him right now, once that wears off and real life sets in, you'll come to realize that he is the master and you are his slave and that your happiness depends on his happiness, and that you will give and expend your all to try and please him, but somehow there will always be some problem or other and it will always be your fault.

Consider the long term implications here - that ought to make your decision a little easier to make.

Sorry, but this kind of behavior in no way makes for a healthy, balanced relationship.

I wish you well.

Peace - Pebbles