HELP!!!! Break Up or Shut Up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
HELP!!!! Break Up or Shut Up?
11
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:40pm
Dear Readers,

I'm hoping for some unbiased, outside input, so here it goes....

I just started dating a guy who's wonderful. On our first date he told me about a women who he goes rock climbing with. "We're just friends." No biggy. Friends of the opposite sex I can tolerate. Later he tells me that they have lunch together every week. They go rock climbing together every week. They go work out at the gym every week. And more recently he's told me that they've been best friends for two years now, and that they also travel together. Granted, he's been honest with me about this. During dinner I asked him, "So, why aren't you together with this gal who you go rock climbing with? Is it just that you're not attracted to her?" He responded with, "Oh no...that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." She supposedly has a boyfriend in CA (we live in Oregon), so I then said, "Does her boyfriend know that you guys spend so much time together?" He said, "You know, I'm not sure whether he knows or not."

I later admitted that this bothered me. Let's face it. It's like she's his girlfriend, even though he says that he's not been intimate with her. So I explained how I was feeling. Suddenly his story changes a bit. "Trina, you're mistaken. Our friendship isn't like that. I'm not attracted to her in that way, and her boyfriend knows about me." Huh? Gee, doesn't that sound a bit different from what he said the first time? When he realized I was bothered by it, his story changed and he down played it, totally contradicting what he'd first said...when I think he was being more honest.

Is it just me, or does it seem a bit odd to expect me, an old fashioned person, to accept this? Again, having friends of the opposite sex, sure. But best friends that he does everything under the sun on a weekly basis with? And he acts like he'd want a very serious relationship with me if it worked out. Making it clear to me upfront that she's his quote "best friend" tells me (or any other intelligent individual) that I must be prepared to accept it. Right?

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Any comments would be greatly appreciated! =)

Thanks.

T~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:02pm
You just started dating so I don't know how committed you are to each other-have you even had that conversation? Do you even know him well enough to believe that you want a monogamous relationship with him?

I would give him the benefit of the doubt especially because you are still getting to know him. I also wouldn't pressure him any more about it. Time will tell where his heart really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:07pm
So if I have this straight, he's dating you AND seeing her at least twice a week - because they are friends? I'd bet her boyfriend doesn't know about him and I'd bet he's wishing she was interested. Be careful with your heart... because he may be in denial how he feels about her. And if she's his best friend, then you should meet her and to things with her so she knows about you too.

Personally, I couldn't handle it, but that's me.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:50pm
I don't know how long you've been dating or how much you like him at this point or if love is involved, but if it were me ... I'd move on before my feelings became too involved. I agree, his first response was probably closest to the truth. And if she ever becomes "available" ... he'll probably make his move ... or she will. And even if she continues the relationship with her boyfriend, you will always have to put up with the friendship. I couldn't do it. Some things I can accept ... some I can't ... I can deal with a female friend as long as I'm included in that friendship and I realize there is no physical attraction between the woman and my guy ... but if I knew there was ... that is one friendship I just couldn't cope with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:03pm
Unfortunately, some women and men are having 'just friends' of the opposite sex. Even if there is no sex, spending time together with the opposite sex is being close and intimate. When you tell your friend your troubles and confide in him or her, you are being emotionally bonded to them. This type of friendship should be with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you do have a long ago friend that you meet on the street and is in town for a business trip and he or she asks you out for dinner along with your husband or wife, that seems reasonable because you won't be seeing him or her again. But honey, it looks very much like he is dating the girl. Apparently he is in love with both of you and wants to take you both out. Of course he will cover it up.

Why not get your own 'friend', that way when he is out with her, you will have someone to have fun with. What he has with you, is an open relationship. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:44pm
You have to know your own temperment for these types of things. The moment he admitted he was attracted to her tells you all you need to know. He likes her and the only reason they're not together is because SHE doesn't want to be with him. She hangs out with him because she likes to be around a guy who obviously adores her and is ready to do whatever to be around her. You should count yourself lucky that he was honest with you and decide to keep him as a friend or just move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 4:58pm
bump to top of list so T doesn't have to repost.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:20pm
My apologies. Am I doing something wrong? I'm new to message boards. =(
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:39pm
You keep posting the same message to this board. While it's not "wrong", it is kind of a breach of board etiquette, for lack of a better way to put it ;-).

Are you doing so because you can't find your post? Click on "more" at the bottom of the first 10 posts in each folder and you'll find the next group of recent posts.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:45pm
How embarrassing! Yes! That's why! Excuse me while I go disappear for a while. =(

No wonder. Ugh...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:53pm
Oh, don't be embarrassed!!! We were all new once ;-).

Sheri

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