Help! Can't seem to get this relationship to work!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Help! Can't seem to get this relationship to work!
5
Sun, 07-07-2013 - 5:49pm

I am dating a wonderful woman but I cannot make sense of my feelings, and the actions/inactions they cause.

For about two years, I dated a very, very affectionate, uber petite brunette.  She was absurdly pretty, thin and sexy, and spent hours getting her makeup and nails just so.  No children.  All about romance and affection.  Clearly some so-called daddy issues.  Used to keep me laughing and shaking my head because she was just so incredibly sweet, sexy, and adoring.  Overly provocative clothes that often had other women giving her strongly dispproving glares.  Couldn't cook, and not very good with my family (I have one son, and hyper-critical parents) or friends.  At all times when we were together, she treated me like a king and indeed like the rest of the world didn't even exist.  I broke up with her because I had started dating someone else, although only for a short time.  However, during that period, the little brunette was badly injured in a car crash, crippled, and ended up moving back with her mother in the south.  Although we are have long since lost contact, I think of her every single day.

Now I am dating a very elegant, friendly socialite. She's very, smart, mature, and has four children.  My son, parents, and everyone else really really like her.  She's just a truly great person.  Unbelievable cook, and entertainer.  Good with other people to the extent of being neurotic.  However, while our relationship is good, and affectionate, it's very unsettling after the petite brunette to be just one of this woman's many constituents.  She has her four kids. She is very close with her parents.  She has tons and tons of friends.  Cute, but not particularly gorgeous or sexy.  

To get to the point: I am having great difficulty being intimate with this newer woman.  She likes sex for sure.  She is very good at it.  But somehow my attraction is just barely there.  I can't put my finger on it.  Everything about her is great.  I do love her.  It's just that the little grain of sand around which the pearl forms isn't present.  I think it may have to do with, I am not #1, as I was with the brunette ... I'm just one of her many constituents.

What's the answer?  Should I consult a psychologist? Has my sex life been ruined for ever by the hot little brunette?  How can I get past this, and get things right with this new woman?  I want to get them right -- but my wanting doesn't seem to be able to make me want her.

Anyone have any insights?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think some therapy might help you figure out what you want in life.  The cute brunette description make me go "yuck"--it seems all very superficial and not what you would want for a long term partner and of course you got tired of her too.  She was all looks & sexiness but not much else--maybe that's why you got tired of her.

as for your current GF, of course you aren't the center of her universe--she has a life as most mature women will have.  If you need someone with less "baggage" for lack of a better word, stick to dating women with no children, because even if we women have grown children who don't need us every day, and maybe they don't come "first," the children will always be important.  I'm a middle aged woman with almost grown children (youngest is almost 18), an elderly mom, friend and interests.  I would think a guy who complained that he was only "one of the constituents" was immature and egotistical.  If a woman has no other interests than you & making you happy, then wouldn't she also be very boring after a short time too?

I do think it would be interesting for you to explore with a therapist whether there is some connection between your need to feel like number 1 and your sexuality, or whether this new woman is just not the woman for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I'm confused. If you liked being #1 so much, then why did you start dating someone else while you were with the brunette?

Your new gf sounds like the complete opposite. But if you don't feel the attraction then it won't work out in the long run, as you seem to know. Like others said, its about chemistry. You can't force it. Some people are meant to be just friends.

I wouldn't say that your sex life has been ruined by the brunette, but I would say that you need to figure some things out, like why you want to be the center of the universe for your gf, and if/why you need that in order to be sexually attracted to a woman. Or if its about physical appearance, why that is so important. It may be hard to find a well rounded mature woman who will make you #1 most of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

This is my second try......the first one went off into the ether!!!  iVillage needs help!  You weren't happy with the first one that made you #1.  You're very critical of her, your family didn't like her, but she DID feed your ego and make you #1!  That wasn't enough, if it had been, you wouldn't have replaced her with someone else.  Now this one has a very busy life, lots of friends, children, and you are NOT #1 in her life, nor will you ever be.  If it was a good relationship you wouldn't have to try to make it work, it would work..........with no effort.  It's time to move on, and decide what kind of woman you want.....neither of these was right for you.  Keep looking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I agree with Safire.  She's got a very busy active life with lots of friends & family, 4 children, and you will never be her one and only.  You will sometimes have to take the back seat in her life.  The other one made you feel like number one, but you weren't happy with her, either.  You ended the relationship because you'd found someone else, and that wouldn't have happened if you'd been in love with the first one.  Move on and keep looking. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Just because you find someone attractive and all of their traits are great, doesn't guarantee you'll have chemistry with them. I would assume you lack chemistry with her, which can't be fixed. Your memories of the brunette may be like looking through rose colored glasses. If she was everything you wanted in a woman, you wouldn't have broken up with her. Now that you're not totally happy in your present, you're looking to your past to regain certain old feelings that you miss.

Let your girlfriend go so she can be with a man who is crazy about her. Don't search for a woman who is like the brunette. She doesn't have a clone and obviously she wasn't "the one" anyway, since you were willing to set her free. Continue to date and eventually you'll find a woman you have chemistry with AND meets all of your major needs. Know what you need. If you want a woman who makes you her main priority, and doesn't have a lot of attachments like your present girlfriend, then keep dating until you find that type of woman. The heart wants what the heart wants. Good luck.