Help - communication problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Help - communication problem
6
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:57pm
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 5 months. It hasn't been a typical relationship for many reasons. I am an overweight woman of 42 he is 44. This is the first real relationship in my life. I have dated several men before but they were very short term. My problem is this...I have never been a person to confront someone. I run from disagreements. I will do anything to avoid them. but what happens then is everything builds up in me until it comes out at the worst possible moment and then I end up saying hurtful things that I regret later. It happened today I accused my boyfriend of seeing someone else...again I did this once before to him. I am usually a very easy going person. And although I know he cares for me...he never tells me unless I say it first. It makes me feel more insecure than usual. I tell myself that he does care for me..he does things for me to show me he cares..he just cant say it. But now because I accused him of cheating again..he said he doesn't want to see me anymore. I think part of it is that I want to hurt him before he hurts me. what can I do to prevent it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 1:45am
Ah, I can certainly relate. I think issues like this date back to childhood. Did your parent(s) force you to keep your mouth shut? Did you feel like you could trust them to care for you, and if you THINK you could, but don't FEEL you could, look again. It's HARD (I don't usually add these many emphasis, anyway...) to revise the past. That's what counseling is for. My guess is that since this is your first serious relationship, you're extremely wary. I guess I would recommend individual counseling for you. I'm speaking from experience. A lot of us want to go back and change the past, and we can't so we make the present fit the past, even when it doesn't. Perhaps there's some unfinished business in the past that needs addressed. However, whatever it is, it doesn't sound like it's going away on its own.

As far as your current relationship, I've had to apologize to my SO on numerous occasions for misjudging him. Perhaps an apology would soften your guy's feelings? I just tell mine that I was loco for awhile and he understands. It's nice to finally be understood! I think that if you have a loving partner, when he sees that you're willing to work with him, that you realize you weren't being fair to him and tell him what lead up to it, that he'll be willing to work with you. None of us are perfect. If someone has a good heart, that's a lot right there! So I guess I would tell you to perservere, don't give-up on yourself and be willing to recognize what past issues may be influencing the present. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:04am
Cynthia...

Maybe you'd like a man's opinion on this?

It sounds like your "first true relationship" has made you a little nervous (aka paranoid)about whether the guy who professes to love you is being faithful? And as you probably know...the pendulum could swing either way. He might love you, but could also be in love with someone else?

But whether you're exclusive or not isn't really the issue. You've got to express your feelings honestly. And even though this might "go against the grain" of what you're used to...you have to be honest with your own feelings before you can permit others into your life.

Please understand that NO MAN (OR WOMAN) wants to be accused of cheating with anybody...whether there's truth to the accusation or not. So the more you throw the line in your boyfriend's face...the angrier he'll get...and eventually, he'll say "ENOUGH OF THIS!"

What you might want to consider doing is sending him a "snail mail card" with a letter of apology. Tell him (honestly) that you treasure him and the relationship the two of you have...and the jealousy you have comes from insecurity. Whether this turns his thoughts back in your direction (or not) remains to be seen.

But you've made the effort to apologize. So the choice is up to him.

Pianoguy

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:24am

Well, for starters, you need to work on your own self esteem. Clearly, you have a problem feeling loveable and worthy of his staying with you. Your fears and suspicions about other women indicate this. Yes, of course, ongoing communication is important, but it is also important to realize your own self worth, and that he is fortunate to be with you (even though you are overweight and may not yet have had other relationships). I suggest you do some personal work on these issues. Find a good counsellor and get some help with feeling better and more secure about yourself. This will then reflect in your relationships and you will become able to attract others more easily and also have better relationships.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:33am

you aren't going to be able to fix your "relationship" until you can fix "you". it looks like you have done alot of soul searching, and you basically understand where you are coming from. having btdt myself (being overweight, not feeling sure in a relationship, low self esteem, never expressing my real feelings, etc) i can tell you that i greatly benefitted from personal therapy. i first tried a self help book (one of dr phil's) which is fine, but i am very happy that i went to therapy as well.


i can also tell you that therapy is difficult in that it gets more difficult before it gets better, which is part of the healing process, but if you realy want to fix YOU, then you can do it, and enjoy the journey.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:34pm
It's just a fact of life that only emotionally healthy and happy individuals can find and develop emotionally happy, strong, healthy and successful relationships. Until you get there yourself, on your own, independent from a relationship, the healthy happy relationship you are probably seeking will not materialize for you (with anyone). I'd advise some counselling for yourself or at the least, some heavy duty reading. There are many books on the market today that may help you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 12:25pm
I just want to thank all of you for your replies...I appreciate all the input and I will certianly take it to heart...

Thank you!