Help dating a man with 3 kids....
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Help dating a man with 3 kids....
| Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:14pm |
Make this as short as possible. Dating a really great guy for 5 months. Problem is that he doesn't want me anywhere around his kids. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be a mother to his children. I have 2 of my own.
The problem arises because he has joint custody and so do I. Our schedules are almost completely opposite. Makes it hard to see each other.
He calls me all the time to tell me great things him and his children are doing. For instance on Sat he called to tell me he was taking the kids to the zoo. I was really hurt. My son and I would have loved to go. He's been divorced for 2 years. My God, MOVE ON. He has no problem coming around when my son is home. My son thinks he is just a friend.
I'm hurt. He's not a good communicator either. Neither am I. I want this to work but it seems impossible. I feel like I am not good enough to be around the kids. I also feel like his ex has something to do with it.
What should I do? Thank you.
The problem arises because he has joint custody and so do I. Our schedules are almost completely opposite. Makes it hard to see each other.
He calls me all the time to tell me great things him and his children are doing. For instance on Sat he called to tell me he was taking the kids to the zoo. I was really hurt. My son and I would have loved to go. He's been divorced for 2 years. My God, MOVE ON. He has no problem coming around when my son is home. My son thinks he is just a friend.
I'm hurt. He's not a good communicator either. Neither am I. I want this to work but it seems impossible. I feel like I am not good enough to be around the kids. I also feel like his ex has something to do with it.
What should I do? Thank you.

Think about this....adult/child is an inequality based dynamic. You're the provider, the nurturer, the protection..the child is the taker, the receipient, and the obedient one that is supposed to learn by your guidance and influence.
Kids aren't guages by which to determine if a "relationship is making progress" - they're not the measuring stick of "whether he/she wants you as a partner or not".
The man is being MEGA-INTELLIGENT. Because kids given the power to give the "yes stay/heave ho" to an adult in ther parent's life - have too much authority, responsibility, power and control that they do not have the knowledge or experience to handle wisely.
He's saying "I don't want you dating my kids' - I don't want them learning that when you're around they get away with stuff, or get more stuff - I want to parent them effectively. He's saying "i don't want you catering to my kids' - I don't want you doing things with and for and around them to please and posture to get their approval - making it pressure for me to home to "get on with getting married" because the kids think it'll be all ice cream, cookies, and staying up late if you're there 24/7.
He doesn't want his kids "meeting" his dates....because dating is NOT a relationship, it's not the venue to find a relationship necessarily. Dating is about "the moment" - it's the fun, sex if mutally agreed to, shared interest, companionship and conversation that allows two people to spend time with someone they find intelligent and attractive, while learning about this person and showing "their best face".
Dating is fun...it's anticipation and excitement...with no guarantees. Which is why men love it -and women loathe it.
The man is "dating" you...he's not emotionally invested in you as a person out of admirationa nd respect for your values, your goals, your successes your standards yet - you two haven't spent enough unrehearsed and unscheduled time together to know one another well whatsoever. HE's enjoying the time he spends with you - but he is obviously NOT thinking "future' when having this type of involvement.
I suspect his priorities are "parenting first' - being that if they needed anything, or their schedules arise with needs - he'll be there first - over any job or over any date.
I light of that - he doesn't want his kids "dated" by you or other women,a nd he doesn't want the "appearance' of a "happy family unit" - because there is no family at present or possibly at all in this dynamic that is evolving.
And here is what you're NOT considering. He doesn't want you anywhere near "his kids"...and you want him 'all over" yours.
He's going "okay, this woman and I don't share standards and priorities - which is fine because I'm just dating her and enjoying the companionship of the moment, but this approach on her part hwich is totally dictated by her values and priorities is not matchng mine and so she's not "relationship material" - if indeed, he's even looking.
You're all upset that h'es not "including you and your kids" in his outing - at his expense? Or at his invitation? which is it?
Look at some child psychology books....and while divorce isn't a huge societal issue - it's a huge psychological issue with kids.
It involves separation and abandonment, it involves kids learning to be accepting of deprioritization and lesser standards and means and options in life. It's just subjecting kids to a whole bevy of things that they're not experienced or knowledgeable enough to handle..but they do.
How well they do that - how "scarred" they are - is determined by the parents. If parents use them as pawns....the kids are screwed up. If the parents use them as a sounding board, a "companion" to sub in for lost adult companionship - the kids are screwed up.
You do NOT want any man around your children if you love them and put their well-being, success, personal self-identity,, awareness, and responsibility and happiness above all else -which is what parenthood requires if you're going to do a good job - and not have it haunt you for eternity by visiting jail cells, or having your kids bring their kids home to live with you at 35 because they lack education and options and are insecure and consider themselves incapable and thus not responsible for thier destiny.
IF a man wants to date YOU - great - because long after the kids are gone you two will be sitting in rockers staring at one another and either talking - or wishing there was something to talk about.
And you date him - for a long time - so that sponteous, unrehearsed, unorchestrated situations, circumstances, events, and options befall you both - arund one another. See those immediate knee-jerk responses and you'll see the values, priorities, standards, goals, and priniciples this person lives with and by in all situations. Not just "in front of you to impress and please".
At the point where you've decided commitment is the way to go - THEN introduce him to your children....in precisely the role that he'll play for eternity - he'll be their stepfather - an authority figure, someone that commands authority and has to earn their respect with his level headed, objective, rational and mature approach to life in general, particularly in dealing with them.
Do not think that the "Brady Bunch" is anything but a sitcom. But, actually - the Brady Bunch if very carefully reviewed for the overlooked details - provides you with a great guideline.
Those kids didn't meet till the "wedding day" - the parents were committed to one another and the well-being of everything the other person valued and prioritized - prior to any personal interaction or involvement or investment in "one particular child".
And the parents had a plan...for moving in post marriage, and for restructure of these kids lives - that didn't always go according to plan and it was "deal with it" - not let me put 5 kids on hold, and a career on the line while I mop up your tears of upset over a menial issue.
And nobody that was a minor in that family had "choices" about the "decision" that had already been made - we're a family now, like it, lump it, coordinate and congeal. Not "do you think you could" - "don't you think you should".....it as like it, lump it - but what is...is.
Why set up a step-parent for hurdles and roadblocks by having them "date" your children only to become an authority figure and the child resent them for it - and put YOU in the middle - while you wring your hands going "this wasn't supposed to be his way".
The guy is DATING you...and it's fine to DATE him.....but what he's not doing is sacrificing his values and priorities to do the dating. And you shouldn't either.
If you honestly cannot date "this man" because of so many kids and so many schedule conflicts - consider dating someone who has fewer kids or less scheduling conflicts.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that parents ought to introduce their kids to a GF or BF when the relationship is getting serious - introduction as a family friend to see how things go. Then if the couple is going to make things permanent, then let the kids get to know the fiance.