help - depressed and alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
help - depressed and alone
5
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 10:34am
My husband came back from a business trip last night and announced that he wants a trial separation. We've had some problems - I have an anxiety disorder, and it's made me a control freak. I know I've treated him badly in the past, but unfortunately, I've only recently discovered it (therapy has helped) - but he says he doesn't really care anymore. However, he says he is willing to try and rebuild the relationship, and help care for our 17-month-old, which means a hotel nearby, picking daughter up from daycare some nights, talking to me on the phone, going to counseling, etc. I don't have many friends in the area - and I'm so hurt, embarassed (I feel this is all my fault), guilty (I've failed my daughter by destroying this relationship), ashamed, that I'm not sure I could talk to my friends anyway. If we can somehow work this out, I don't want friends or family to know this happened, or have any negative feelings towards him. That leaves me feeling very alone.

I don't know that I need advice - although feel free to offer it. I know what I need to do - give him space, try to start fresh, etc etc. I just need someone I can talk to, someone who won't judge him or me, just listen. Please, a friendly ear and encouraging word would be so appreciated. You can reply here or email me directly at physics_gal@hotmail.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 1:45pm
While you may feel everything that you feel, please don't take all the blame... he could stay in the house and still go to counseling and rebuild the relationship. Go to counseling with him, see what happens.

Sorry you have to go through this.

Reading material:

Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 2:15pm

hi and huge hugs!


I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to get your health back on track. I know its hard, for a person with anxiety disorder, to follow the rule of "take it one day at a time" because your thoughts are going toward the future, and asking the "what if" and "what will happen" questions. (I know, because my ex suffered from anxiety issues). but - that is the way to go.


I know its hard because you have to do two major things at once - get well, and deal with your marriage. The best advice I can give you is for you to focus on yourself FIRST. it sounds to me like your husband is totally there for you, and seems to want to work on your relationship. but - no matter WHAT happens in the future, right now, its important that you focus on yourself, get well, go to therapy, take meds, etc. in addition, with your therapist's blessing, you might want to look into some alternative methods of stress-reduction such as exercise, yoga, etc.


I know its hard to believe - but there are people in your life who do care for you, and there is really no need to be embarresed about anything. its not your "fault" that you are not well, and you ARE taking the responsibility to get better - this is something you should be PROUD and not embarrsed about.


good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 12:11pm
I picked up the book you recommended - the Controlled Separation one. We've already started discussing the various parts of the contract, and I think we both feel better about this. Knowing that we'll agree to a set timeframe, that we'll have ground rules on who is where, what we'll do with each other, and etc is a big help. It also helps me feel like I have a bit more control in this situation. I'm still sad, of course, but I feel like we're doing the right things to move forward now, and that is enough to keep me going. Thank you very much for it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:37pm
Wow. I can't believe what I just read. My husband returned last week from a 7 week long business trip and told me he didn't think he wanted to try to work things out anymore. We have a 13+ year marriage. Things have been up and down, mostly down in the past couple years. We have a 2.5 year old son and we just bought our first house. I started therapy in February and started meds in May for depression. Both have proven very helpful, and I'm a better person for it. I was really looking forward to my husbands return thinking we'd get started on our marriage re-building and then he drops this in my lap. I am so flipped out I just don't know what to do. I want to work it out. I believe anything is possible, but I think he's done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 4:54pm
Go out RIGHT now and the book mention in post 2 of this discussion. Skip the personal stories for now, just read over the guidelines of a controlled separation, present them to your husband, and ask if he will consider it. Try to convince him to stay in the house until you've at least negotiated your "contract" - that way, he knows you are taking this seriously, but doesn't just leave. I wish we'd done that - but we are back tracking now, and agreeing to make our current separation fit the "model" in the book. Most of all, find someone you can talk to - this post, whatever, because you need someone to listen to all the emotions you're going to have. You have my prayers and sympathies - please keep me in yours as well, as my husband and I try to work out our own problems. Good luck to you.