Help-did something stupid!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Help-did something stupid!
6
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 3:59pm

Need advice. I hit on my husband of 30+yrs, bestfriend. One conversation setting up the affair, 2 days later a followup conversation where he admitted it wasn't what we need to be doing. No phyical action happened. He said he wouldn't tell his wife, but he did. He says neither will tell MY husband, but I believe someone will. So I'm up against the wall here. Do I tell him, or let him maybe find out. I know the bestfriend relationship will change because I know SHE won't let him come over anymore. This will raise a red flag with my husband. It IS over. I only had sexual feelings, don't know why. I didn't love him nor love him now. It wasn't a "breakup marriage ralationship" it was going to be a sexuall encounter only. I must add he was not innocent in this. He IS a big flirt, and flirted with me and others all the time, as well, he was a willing partisipant at first. Was very flattered, and love the phone conversation arranging the affair. It was only once he thought about it and we talked again, that we both had 2nd thoughts. Thank god we did. But I feel that I'm going to lose anyway, even thou the act was never done.


worried and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:02pm
Tell your husband. He may not forgive you but if you own up first there might be a chance of working things out. If he hears it from someone else first it might spell complete disaster for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:35pm

Welcome to the board deez2,


Do you even want to be married?


I ask this because you attempted to have an affair and then made excuses why it wasn't all your fault. Plus you don't say anything in the post about loving your husband and not wanting to hurt him.


Do what you feel is the right thing to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 6:06pm

Sometimes that goes through my mind, then again, I think why give him heartbreak before he needs it. Maybe it's to spare myself. Yes being selfish. I am scared that everything around me will crumble down. Oh what did I do to my life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 6:15pm
Yes I do want to be married. Yes I do love my husband. Yes it was my fault. Should never have acted on my emotions. But can't unring a bell now, can I? I am looking for ways to keep my life as it was. Don't know why on earth I would attempt such a thing after all these years in the first place. I am not UNHAPPY in my marriage. In fact, due to the change of life I think, I have had a boost of libido, and our sex life has been rekindled. Don't know if this sexual surge, (more than I ever had before), helped me
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 7:41pm

Well, you could mention it in a llight way to your husband. You don't have to say you set up an affair, but that there was a flirtation (which in fact is all it was). Tell him you feel badly about it even though nothing happened and that nothing ever would. If you tell him in this off handed (non-guilty manner), almost like a joke, then he won't think much of it. Then, if he should ever hear anything from anyone else, if his friend's wife talks, it will not seem like much at all. There's all kinds of ways of presenting something like this. It's one thing to say you hit on him, which makes it sound serious. It's another to say there was a flirtation, which is something all people do from time to time. It's not a crime. As long as nothing happened, you don't have to beat yourself up.


Of course you should pause and take notice of this and look into why this went as far as it did. There may be other issues and feelings brewing within that need to be worked on. It's odd that you would choose your husband's best friend. This suggests that you may have some anger or upset with your husband...Perhaps a few counseling sessions would be useful.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 8:38pm

Sounds doable. Do you have a suggested conversation I can use? I do flirt, so does my husband. Why this went this far I really don't know. I have been asking that question of myself. Highened sexuality, (hormonal I think),