Help with Establishing Trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Help with Establishing Trust?
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:03pm
I know the title of this thread seems strange - can there really be "help" (sounding so easy) for "trust" (which is not-so-easy).

I'll try to make this brief: I've been in 2 relationships in my life. Former was almost 8 years, current is a year. I've struck gold with both. But I always have this problem with trust, and it's not because of anything they do. Example: My boyfriend is in a band and has a lot of interaction with other band members - one night he had a show and was talking to a girl with whom he had e-mail a few times about equipment, etc. No biggie. I noticed him checking her out later on - nothing too obvious (usually casual glances), but of course (because of the trust issue) I read into and blew it out of proportion. It bothered me so we had a really good discussion about it - he reassured me and honestly said he didn't notice/think he was doing anything at all wrong or obvious. He said he would try and improve his "looking at other women" and he has since then.

Recently I walked over to his cube at work (we work together) and he seemed startled, like he was caught doing something (mind you he easily gets lost in what he's doing). I noticed he had his e-mail open. When I asked him if he was ok, he said I startled him. But it still bothered me. I hate to admit this, but later that week, I looked at his e-mail - I know this is awful and I felt sick for doing it. I noticed that he had gotten a response from that same girl to an e-mail he had sent about booking a show with them (may or may not have been the same day I startled him). In reality, this is something he does ALL the time, contacting bands to set up shows. But it irked me - and even though I know nothing is going on, I still can't help but be worried about things like that.

Another tidbit: When he went away for a long weekend for a friend's wedding, he came home and was saying how when he and his guy friends went out, many of them are not in relationships so they were sorta talking to girls etc. and even though it could have been awkward for him, his friends were cool. He went on to say how he could never understand how someone could cheat on their loved one, how he could never look me in the eyes if that happened. I sorta (as usual) thought, "why are you telling me this, did something happen?" and he reassured me and said, "no of course not" and went on to talk about his aunt who's divorcing his uncle for cheating on her and how that bothered him (the cheating).

The really annoying thing is that I have no reason to not have trust - my former boyfriend was completely faithful and my parents are still married, 40+ years. It could be that I just haven't had a lot of experience in relationships, but regardless, I hate being like this.

Is there any advice anyone can offer to try to help - is it just something I need to let go of?




Edited 8/10/2004 9:11 pm ET ET by frauleinlaura