help - getting frustrated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
help - getting frustrated...
2
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:05am

Ok so I am engaged to this guy that I love soooo much. BUT we have a few problems. One that doesn't bother me that much now but probably will later is that he's really bad with money. Everytime I try to tell him to see the finacial advisor at his work he says he will but never does. Everytime I try to help he yells at me and says that since we aren't married yet I have no business knowing where his money goes (that also goes for how much he's been "saving" for our wedding...).
The other problems we have are in bed. We don't live together so it makes it kind of difficult but we've seemed to manage. He's just selfish. He goes really quick and then does nothing for me to get to the same level. Lately he's been coming up with excuses to not have sex such as he has to sleep (at 9pm!! what the heck?). And he's always teasing me saying we will have sex or do stuff to me to get me in the mood but then come up with an excuse not to.
I love him sooo much but I don't know how much longer I can take it. We've already been to counseling and it helped our fighting but that was it. Sure we don't fight as much and when we do we can now talk it through...but marriage will suck so bad if the sex stays this way and if he's bad with money.
I've been trying my best to trust him so I'm just hoping it's nothing else...because, like some other girls, I always imagine the worst possibility and think it's true.

If you have any advise whatsoever or anything to say to help, please do!
I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:06am

Nikkaykay, I think you are very wise to be contemplating these issues now.

Regarding the money, while he is correct that you don't have the right to tell him what to do with his money.....it is a major red flag that he doesn't do the right things already. And it's another red flag that he's not sharing how his financial contribution towards the wedding is going.

In bedroom.... Have you talked to him about needing more from him? Does he know you think he's a selfish lover?

>>I've been trying my best to trust him so I'm just hoping it's nothing else...because, like some other girls, I always imagine the worst possibility and think it's true. <<

Does his mean you are concerned that he's cheating? You haven't mentioned anything which hints at him cheating, so what things has he done to make you suspect this?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:14am

Why is it that I see so many posts from women that start out with "I love this guy so much" or "I'm dating the most wonderful man" and then go on to list how selfish or irresponsible the men are? I think that even being a woman myself I will never understand us.

You're smart to get this stuff out of the way before getting married, because these will only get worse once you tie the knot.

This guy is sending you more than one Red Flag(tm).

The fact that he is irresponsible with money is huge, but the fact that he says it's none of your business is even worse. Marriage doesn't flip a magic switch in people that automatically makes them open to trusting you and discussing money with you. If he feels this is none of your business now, then when you get married he will have a different excuse for not talking about finances with you. If he was really ready to marry you now, then he would understand the necessity of talking about important things. Finances are the #1 cause of divorce.

As for being selfish in bed, that can only be remedied by talking to him.

It is very very wise of you to seek counseling. Of course counseling is only meant to help you relate to one another better; it will not magically fix your problems - only give you the tools to try to do so.

I understand that you love this man but he does not sound like marriage material at this point in either your relationship or his life. I think you have a lot of decisions to make because if you end up marrying him, you could be very miserable. Good luck, I really hope it works out.