Help! Going exclusive...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Help! Going exclusive...
1
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:53pm

Hi,

I was just hoping to get some advice please as I am not sure about the following situation and how valid a request of mine is.

This guy I am dating is also dating two other women. One he is sleeping with (woman A), the other he spends a lot of time with talking, drinking wine, and he sleeps in her bed (with kissing and cuddling) when he stays over at hers about two nights a week (woman B, who ALSO HAS A BF!!). I have slept with him a few times (we have been dating for a few months) and I'm not dating any other people.

We have now discussed exclusivity as he feels that he wants a serious relationship with me and not the other two women. I feel the same about him. Now, if we were to become exclusive I have requested emotional and physical fidelity from him. Meaning he doesn't spend the night at another woman's place and doesn't sleep/kiss/cuddle another woman. I think that request is fair and he agrees. However, he is such good friends with woman B that he won't stop seeing her, even though he says he won't be staying the night there anymore.

However, she has the hots for him and once he has had a drink his will-power isn't the strongest (he admits this), so... since when they are together they have a few drinks and chat for hours, she *will* come on to him despite him telling her that he is now exclusive with me (she knows me) and I fear that that he'll not be able/want to resist and kiss her and maybe more. I would like to ask him to stop seeing her at her house altogether and only meet her in a public environment where she couldn't really come onto him, but he doesn't like that suggestion and says he should be able to go to her house and I should trust him that nothing would happen. But...he admits that he likes to have a drink with her and that his will-power weakens when drunk...and he had spent several weeks kissing her whenever he is at her house. So I can't believe that would just stop despite him being exclusive with me. She will come onto him and then what'll he do? He finds her attractive but she has a bf and he says he wants a serious relationship with me because I "tug" at him at deeper levels - if that makes sense?

I just find it hard to trust him. I want to ask him to stop seeing her as I don't trust her at all to respect his exclusivity committment to me - and I am also worried that alcohol will weaken his promise to me when he is spending time with her. I don't want to tell him who he can and can't spend time with - but I also don't want her around him knowing their history. The fact that she doesn't want me to come along when they meet up, and that HE doesn't want me there either because she doesn't want me to come along (would make things awkward) seems a bit odd to me. Surely if he was happy with making a committment to me he would consider my feelings over hers? Or am I being unreasonable here?

Help! What to do?!




Edited 3/22/2007 7:08 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 11:22am

Welcome to the board goddess_bikingmad,


I can understand why you would be weary of the situation. However, if you trusted him you wouldn't have to worry about this and I wonder if you should be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. With that being said, I don't blame you for not wanting him to spend time at her house alone. I think it would be reasonable for them to either met at a public place or to have you with them. Is he willing to make some sort of compromise concerning this?