help! he cant stop looking at webcams!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
help! he cant stop looking at webcams!
9
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:16pm
my boyfriend of 8 years (we've been dating since high school, with a one year "break" i initiated in college to meet other people) is really upsetting me. We have lived together for about 2 years, and for the most part it has been really great. he is very sweet, my closest friend, a good lover, He talks about me being the love of his life, about our future together, ect. I haven't told any friends about this because everyone thinks our relationship is so good. But I have found out about a few things that really scared me. He looks at a lot of porn (and I know, they all do) but keeps going back to the live webcam sites where you chat with the girl on camera. He has gone to lengths to try and hide this from me, but I keep finding out. We have talked about this many times, and i make it clear that i don't care is he looks at regular (pre-recorded) porn, but that him talking live with a girl really hurts me. He says he doesnt really see the difference, and says he wont do the chats out of respect for me, but keeps doing it again. He admits that there is some fascination for him in the live aspect of it. There have been a few other "slip-ups" (he was trying to call "massage parlors" at 2 in the morning, once he chatted with a girl on craigslist) but i really dont think he has actually cheated on me, and im pretty cynical. He swears that this is a curiosity but that he doesnt actually want to do anything. But this stuff makes me disgusted with him, makes me feel insecure and unattractive, and totally destroys the trust in our relationship! I just think that these "fascinations" mean he will eventually betray me. I am considering not living with him anymore. Am I over-reacting? How normal is this stuff??? Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:25pm

You are not over reacting.

he is lieing to you. over and over about important stuff. you have no reason to believe him.

your love is blind. you have describe a cheater (and one that is not even very good at hiding it). the massage parlors were so he could pay for sex. the girl on craigstlist was so he could get the same thing without paying for it. he will continue to do these things as long as he thinks he can get away with it. for that matter - can you imagine the things he has done and gotten away with because you never found out? he has no guilt about anything other than getting caught by you.

please do not live with this man. please do not have unprotected sex with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:51pm

I have to put webcams in a different league as porn because in normal porn, you aren't interacting with another human being.

The solution to this is simple, unfortunately; if this is a deal-breaker for you (it would be for me, even after eight years), tell him in no uncertain terms that either the cams go, or you do. If you find out he's been sneaking again, then stick to your guns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:53pm
If he is unable to stop, he probably has a sexual addiction. This is much more serious than the occasional looking at porn. It's a mental health issue. It's an addiction similar to those to substances. If you are questioning your relationship, you probably shouldn't be there.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket





Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:48pm

Welcome to the board monsoon1,


I'm only chiming in with the other good advice you got..... especially the addiction part and the cam goes or you do.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:27am
thanks all for your replies. im scared that their all so negative! let me just clarify cause i posted in a very upset state and i dont want to misrepresent the situation- he has not cheated on me- I am just scared that he will! and i'm a suspicious person, and i have checked up on him, so i dont just nievely think this. He looks at webcams but he doesnt "webcam" his image back, -he goes to site where there are hundreds of women probably in china paid like 4 dollars an hour to sit in front of camera in their underwear and you choose a webcam and a bunch of other guys are there and they chat things to the girl like- "nice tits". its dumb and disgusting, but its not like an online girlfriend(s), more like a tacky strip club. he has told me that he feels compelled to do this, that it does feel like an addiction as you guys have mentioned, and he is very genuinely remorseful and embarrassed and upset about it. I dont trust him completely, but he has promised to not do it again and to stop clearing his web history and all those tricks, and begged me to try and work through it. So, sucker so that i may be, ill give it another chance- but i agree with you guys- one more time and im out. thanks for your suggestions and best of luck with your romantic struggles. ill let you guys know what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:04am

it is all so negative, because we do not have your 'love blinders' on. please go back and read my first post to you again.

i wanted to say that i disagree with the other posters here. it is not an addiction. people can and do get addicted to alcohol (and or other real addictions) and can even die when you take thier alcohol away. take his cam away and he will not die. it is not an addiction, but weak moral character. he does it not because he is addicted, but because he wants to (regardless of how you feel about it).

with that said, the cam stuff is nothing. go back and read my first post. the first time you go away for a weekend, he will be hitting the massage parlors and craigslist to get some excitement (not feed an addiction).

you say you agree with us, but i didn't read one person post and say 'one more time and you should leave.' i read that you are with a lier and cheater and you will never be able to trust him - because he doesn't deserve your trust.

ask yourself why you don't think you deserve more out of life that a guy like that?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:14am

You are right to be concerned as it sounds to me as though your boyfriend has a porn "addiction". He is not in control of his behavior. Even though he may want to stop, he cannot. And, beyond that, it is escalating. Calling massage parlors, and having actual contact with these porn actresses is a whole other step. You have to take care here...Let him know that this behavior is totally unacceptable, and that he has an addiction. He must go for professional help. There are psychologists who specializes in sex addictions and also support groups, etc. He needs a lot of help. The difficult part is his facing it. He will, most likely, be in denial, say it's nothing much and feel that he can stop when he wants. None of this is true. Unless he is willing to face the gravity of the situation, that it's totally unacceptable and out of his control, you have to pull back from this relationship. I suggest that you go speak to a counsellor yourself, to get the clarity, support and help in dealing with this and in making healthy choices for yourself.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:36am

monsoon1,


It's really hard when we don't hear what we want to hear.... I totally agree with Dr. Shoshanna's advice also.


Would he be ok with you setting up a cam and looking at 'real' guys online?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:01pm

<>

Calling it an addiction is NOT excusing it. And it does not have to kill you when you take it away in order for it to qualify as an addiction. I think *professional* counselors and psychologists probably know more about addiction than this poster does. He also IS *choosing* to indulge in his addiction.

All that said, since he's admitted that this does actually feel like an addiction, is he willing to seek help for it? This would be my minimum requirement, if it were me, in staying with him.

<> -- This all depends on your personal definition of "cheating". To me, talking to someone who's pleasuring herself is cheating, be it on camera or in person. He's interacting in a way so it's crossing a boundary of mine (and it sounds like yours too). My fiance and I have actually discussed this. He likes to look at amateur porn pics and the site he goes to allows you the ability to post. I asked him (non-confrontationally) if he ever posts and if he has an account and he said no. We agreed that this would NOT be ok and it would be crossing the line.

Also, even though we're getting married next year, he is the love of my life and my best friend, if he made comments to naked women on a website, chatted with a girl on Craigslist, and called a massage parlor, he'd be out on the curb SO fast, he wouldn't know what hit him. He's aware of all this too.

If he can admit that he has a problem, that's great. But he needs to be willing to DO something about it. If it were me, it would be "get help, or lose me". Period.