Help! He lied to me before we eloped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Help! He lied to me before we eloped!
10
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:01pm
I know having the word elope in my title means it should be filled with problems, right? Well, I had hoped not. I just found this board, and there is some great advice on here. I've toiled with this problem for a while, but to no avail, and am hoping for some additional insight! This is a little long...but it's the readers digest version - I promise!!

Quick breakdown: We met when I was 17 and he was 21. Dated for about 3 years. Relationship was never too strong, we fought incessintly, broke up and got back together continually, etc. At one point we got engaged. I broke it off after being fed up with his 2nd home at the bar. I moved away to LA for almost 2 years, and then came back.

He and I share our best friends. A married couple of ours. Throughout the breakup I always knew a little about what he was up to, as he also knew a little about what I was up to, but we never really spoke, perhaps only a few times in regards to joint debts, etc.

Once I moved back home (November 2003) I was at the bar after a looooooooong day at work. I ran into him there. We chatted over only a couple drinks...for a good 4 or 5 hours. We talked about the ex he lived with and what he'd learned, we talked about the ex I'd lived with and what I learned, etc.

Upon moving to LA 2 years ago I converted religions. It's made me more of a whole person, and really helped me find myself. I converted after finding out a particular family member was this religiong, then I researched it for a while, and decided it was a faith I felt whole-heartedly about.

When my husband and I were discussing my new religion he expressed an acceptance of the person it's made me and that it's new addition to my life. I made it known the importance of the religion as being an everyday part of my life, and that I also wanted to raise my children under the Jewish faith. He even offered to go to my new temple with me.

We ran off to Vegas and got married that night.

All was great. Until about a week later when he started acting differently towards me. It's progressed to him calling me a kike, telling him I embarass him in front of his family (becuase of my religion), and expressing that his children won't be raised as "kikes". I was flabberghasted. After offering him a divorce over it, he regressed his comments (like you could ever take something like that back!!), and he told me he wouldn't make the comments anymore and that we should raise the children to decide for themselves.

I don't agree. I want my children to be raised Jewish, and I have no problem with them knowing about the Catholic faith, it's good to know about other things.

Here's my problem: He lied to me about being accepting of my faith. Now it's up to me to have to learn to live the rest of my life with a man that has to "try to tolerate" me! I just thing it's obserd. I don't know what to do. We're going to go into counseling for that issue and a couple of others...but why should I be burdened with wanting him to accept me, when he already said he did, and then cahnaged his mind after I promised myself to him forever......PLEASE HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:07pm
here is the deal..... it is said that you don't love someone inspite of their differences but because they are different. So if he has a major problem with your religion maybe you need to hit the road and start anew before you have children. Being Jewish is a part of you and if he doesn't accept it then he isn't the one for you. Here is an idea... you need to say to yourself which is more important my husband or my religion and beliefs. If this is something you feel can not be resolved I would walk. At least you didn't have any children yet so you have time to figure out whether or not this will work without putting your kids in the middle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:26am


Well, I'm not sure I'm following the time line correctly, but did you really elope with your husband after a four-hour conversation in a bar when you hadn't seen each other for two years and had broken up because you didn't like the fact that he spent too much time in bars?

I'm not being judgemental--but if that's the way things happened, he might have "lied," but you also ignored his past (and present) history and chose to plight your troth to a problematic ex after a few drinks and deep conversation in a bar.

Listen, whatever the situation, you made a mistake. Whether or not you are Jewish (I am), do you want to be married to an anti-semite? Even if I were a deeply religious Catholic, I wouldn't want to be married to a racist who hated Jews. Or a racist who hated African-Americans, or Asians. Racism, and the use of insulting racial epithets, demonstrate that your husband has fundamental character flaws, whether you are the one he is prejudiced against or not. If it IS you he's prejudiced against, that's a deeper problem.

Is divorce inevitable? Probably. But what you need to do to give the relationship your best shot is just tell him that the next time he calls you, or anyone, a "kike" you will leave him. And that if he wants children, his children are (as per your original agreement) going to be raised Jewish.

Honestly, even if he backs down, he'll go back to his old ways when a child is actually born. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think your relationship is in for a really rough time. If it were me I'd cut my losses and find someone who isn't a prejudiced jerk to father my kids. In Judaism, the religion passes to the children through the mother. Is he going to call your kids "kikes" too?

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:48am
get a divorce (or the jewish equivalent of an annulment) pronto.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:09am
That's a wierd story and a good example of the old saying "marry in haste, repent in leisure". I always have believed that if a person feels so strongly about his religious convictions that he insists his children must be raised according to his faith, then he should marry someone of the same faith. Sounds like you 2 are not compatible. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:31am
First, you wanted "to be married" and more accurately - all these years you've "wanted him to be the one".

You've been drawn to and repelled by one another all these years - spending time, effort, energy, and investment in "this relationship" despite all its lack of fundamentally shared values, priorities, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

Take note...you were in a bar (his hangout) talking about how you'd changed....puhleeze, having given that line to myself for lots of years and "couldn't understand why things didn't work out". He was in a bar, the place he'd always hung out and that you disagreed with, and you thought he'd changed..while claiming you'd changed! Please do some self-actualization before getting into another relationship.

Annulment springs to mind...surely you've heard of Brittney Spears, enough said.

You took vows with someone that you so desperately wanted to be the knight in shining armor that you ran off and "promised your forever" to him......oh well, before you have children, shared debts, intertwined families, and lots of heartache - end the charade. Annulment MIGHT be possible, and if it's not - divorce is. Because divorce is coming....you two don't share fundamental values, goals, priorities, boundaries, definitions of a great life and how to achieve it. Which is why you fought to begin with, adn why as responsibilities, debts, and serious issues arise - you'll not just "fight" - you'll be at war - nuclear, at that.

He didn't "lie" to you.....he might easily have meant precisely what he said. That the new "enlightened" (read - newly accepting of him as he is because you're now where he is - the bar) you is someone he thought was cool....someone worth sharing a life with, given he'd spend this much time with you, rarely having to concede his wishes or his goals or his needs because you'd always conceded to him to meet his needs, wishes and goals so that he'd be with you.

And now he's finding that you don't like his phraseology of your religion..while you thought he meant he thought "the religion was enlightened" - what he meant was that if you were now self-aware and self-accepting you'd be less inclined to want to chnage himi and his beliefs, values, priorities, actions, adns tandards and would be more amenable to have as a mate.

It's not a problem to say "I made a mistake, I learned early, I didn't play a victim to him but rather became more self-aware and self-responsible as a result and so I got a divorce after a marriage of less than 6 months."

What is a huge problem is to be living a life where you've got joint debts, joint children, joint resonsibilities and obligations, but you two aren't together in either perspective, perception, values or standards so you're financially and physically and legally severed. And here's you....at 40 with 3 little kids to support, working a full time job, and taking in babysitting on weekends, while he is behind on the child support and never visits, adn you can't afford an attorney to get the support the court ordered him to pay. While he's out at the bar, having a great time, and someone happens to mention the blonde 20-something hottie he's been seen around town with lately, driving HER mercedes that daddy bought her.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:51am

This is a very large and central issue in your life. If your new faith is meaningful and important to you, and if it gives you the happiness you desire and you want to raise your children this way, then you should take a few steps back and really consider the long term ramifications of being in this marriage. Clearly, he did lie to you and has many other feelings about your religion and about raising the children. This can become a source of conflict and upset for both of you your whole life long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:13pm
Sounds like it is time for an annulment and not just because of his antisemitic remarks. You 2 had mega problems before. Move along before you bring children into this mess.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:48pm
I agree. The marriage was a mistake. End it as soon as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:56pm
I agree with everyone. End it.

I am Jewish. How the children are to be raised is a side note. What concerns me is that he knows your religion is very important to you. Yet, he was verbally abusive, and said a lot of ugly things about it.

I don't see how you can forgive that. It will manifest itself again..and this time with children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 4:46pm
If you feel that you have been deceived it is because you have been deceived by your husband. When you are called a derogatory name by the person whom you vowed before man and God to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life - that is a hard pill to swallow. But when you are called a racial slur by your mate, it is completely un-real, like "did he say what I think he said?"

It is my opinion that if he has called you a racial slur once, believe me, he will call you a racial slur again. I don't think that he is sorry for what he said at all - it's obviously something that he has been thinking about. While I strongly encourage and support you two getting counseling, if nothing changes, I would pursue getting a divorce.

I have always thought that when looking for a mate, you should chose a mate who exercises the same faith - that way it's just understood that the children would be raised in that religion.

Good luck....