HELP , HES CHEATING ON ME !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
HELP , HES CHEATING ON ME !!!
4
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 4:16am
I'LL TRY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT...I AM EXXXXXTREMELY ANGRY.ILL STATE SOME FACTS SO YOU CAN ADVISE.MY BF AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 18 MONTHS,LIVED TOGETHER FOR 16 OF THOSE MONTHS.I AM 25 AND HE IS 27, WE ARE BOTH VERY MATURE FOR OUR AGES.WE ARE BOTH DIVORCED FROM UNFAITHFUL SPOUSES. WE HAVE A WONDERFUL AND VERY JOKE-ATIVE AND FUN RELATIONSHIP.HE EVEN SAYS WE ARE BEST FRIENDS.

WELL HERE GOES, I FOUND THE PSSWD TO HIS PAGER AGAIN!!!!!!!I HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF IT IN THE PAST AND NEVER REALLY HEARD ANYTHING.I HAVE BEEN MONITORING IT FOR ABOUT 5 DAYS.IT WAS FINE MON AND TUESDAY BUT WEDNESDAY I HAPPENED TO CHECK IT AT ABOUT 3:00PM, WHEN I WAS AT WK AND I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EARS.... THIS GIRL SAID "OKAY COME DOWN TO THIS STREET AND THE 2ND HOUSE ON THE LFT" SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY GIVING HIM DIRECTIONS.WELL I IMMEDIATELY WENT INTO A PANIC. BUT I KEPT COOL. HE PICKED ME UP AT WK AT 4:45PM. WE WENT OUT TO DINNER THAT NIGHT AND I WENT IN THE BATHROOM AT THE RESTAURANT TO CHECK IT AND THIS IS WHAT I HEARD....

2ND MSSG: "HEY BABY, I REALLY ENJOYED SEEING YOU TODAY,EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JUST FOR A SHORT TIME." (SO FROM ABOUT 3PM-4PM MAYBE??? GIVING TRAFFIC TIME TO MY JOB)

3RD MSSG: "I HOPE YOUR NOT MAD AT ME FOR TRYING TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU, I WAS REALLY HORNY AND I WISHED WE COULD HAVE DONE IT,BUT OH WELL I UNDERSTAND."

4TH MSSG: " HEY ITS ME CALL ME, I HOPE I CAN SEE YOU TOMMORROW,I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, AND I MISS YOU". (HOW DESPERATE CAN YOU GET????)

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE ,I GOT SOOOOO WEAK AND COMPLETELY LOST MY APPETITE.WELL WE ATE AND HE WAS EXTREMELY HAPPY LIKE NORMAL. HE DID ASK ME WHAT WAS WRONG? CAUSE I WAS BEING REALLY QUIET AND NOT REALLY EATING LIKE USUAL. I JUST TOLD HIM MY STOMACH WAS

HURTING REALLY BAD.

THE NEXT DAY (THURSDAY) I CALLED OUT OF WK SICK. I COULDNT THINK ABOUT WORKING...ALL MORNING I KEPT ACCUSING HIM OF BEING UNFAITHFUL BY DROPPING HINTS AND MAKING SMART REMARKS.I JUST COULDNT HELP IT.UNTIL WE FINALLY GOT INTO AND ARGUMENT... WE MADE UP ABOUT AN HOUR LATER AND ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER(I KIND OF WANTED TO DO IT JUST TO SEE IF HE STILL DESIRED ME, AND IF ANYTHING HAS CHANGED, AND ALSO TO FULFILL HIS SEXUAL NEEDS.) NOTHING HAD CHANGED IS WAS ACTUALLY VERRRRRRY PASSIONATE. FYI: OUR SEX LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INCREDIBLE !!!!! ANYWAYS

MSSG THAT MORNING: "I HOPE I CAN SEE YOU TODAY ?" CALL ME 999-9999

ANOTHER MSSG: "HEY NICK, I REALLY MISS YOU, YOUR SMILE, YOUR SEXY BUILD, AND I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU" (IN MUCH MORE EXPLICIT WORDS) AND LATER THAT NIGHT.....

3RD MSSG: "I HOPE YOU AND YOUR GF HAD A GREAT DAY, I WISHED I COULD HAVE SEEN YOU,BUT I UNDERSTAND." AT THIS POINT I WAS EVEN MORE UPSET CAUSE SHE KNOWS ABOUT ME....

4TH MSSG: " HEY, HE WILL BE HOME TOMMORROW, BUT I WILL CALL YOU SAT WHEN IM AT WORK." (I GUESS SHE HAS A BF TOO)

(FRIDAY)SHE DIDNT CALL. AND HE HASNT BEEN OUT OF MY EYESIGHT SINCE WEDNESDAY. AND NORMALLY HE NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE AT NIGHT AT ALL IN LESS WE ARE TOGETHER. WE'VE ALWAYS DONE EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

ANYWAYS ITS SAT NOW AND THE MSSG TODAY WAS: "HEY, I HAVENT HEARD FROM YOU, PLEASE CALL ME,I REALLY WANT YOU BADDD (MORE EXPLICIT WORDS) 999-9999." AND THATS WHERE IM AT.......

I AM BURSTING INSIDE WITH ANGER BUT HE HAS NO IDEA I KNOW WHATSOEVER.I AM PLAYIN IT BY EAR, CAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.....PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE MSSGS CAUSE ITS HARD TO TELL IF THEY HAVE HAD SEX OR NOT??? UNLESS IM IN DENIAL.

I LOVE THIS MAN WITH ALLLLL MY HEART AND MY LIL GIRL LOVES HIM, HE MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN, AND I REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS THAT ONE, WE EVEN PLANNED TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHR ONE DAY(HE DONT HAVE ANY KIDS BUT HE LOVES THEM).HE REALLY TAKES GREAT CARE OF US I MEAN HE SPOILS ME. HE HAS DONE A LOT FOR US IN EVERY WAY. HE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME FINANCIALLY,EMOTIONALLY,HE DOES ALL THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES,ASIDE FROM THIS, HE'S THAT MAN THAT EVERY WOMEN WOULD ASK FOR.WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME ROUGH TIMES TOGETHER TOO,AND THROUGH IT ALL WE WERE HAPPY AND ENJOYING EACH OTHER. EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY ABSOLUTELY LOVES----HIM. AND HIS FAMILY LOVES ME TOO...WE HAVE STRONG FAMILY TIES.....AND NOT TO MENTION HE RECENTLY TOLD MY DAUGHTER THAT SHE COULD CALL HIM DADDY.WELL ANYWAYS, I COULD GO ON ALL DAY, BUT I WANTED YOU ALL TO GET THE FULL PICTURE SO YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IM GOING THROUGH...I WOULD NEVER HAVE SUSPECTED THIS> I AM VERY,VERY CONFUSED. AND I FEEL BETRAYED, AND I FEEL LIKE HES NOT WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS. WHAT SHOULD I DO ?? PLEASE HELP ME ????


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Edited 4/25/2004 11:21 am ET ET by imnickschic

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:12pm
Some replies you might receive will question why/how you got the pw for his pager and what business was it of yours. Since that is not what this post is actually about I'm not gonna go there; I will stick to your actual concern here:

You know he's being unfaithful. Whether or not they've actually had sex doesn't matter at this point. He's still going through the motions of some kind of affair and it's no fair to you. Now since you have a daughter involved in this situation that makes it all the more distressing. Why would you live with someone you are not married/engaged to when you have a child? Why is she calling him daddy when he clearly is not daddy? This is gonna hurt her more than it hurts you and for future reference you need to be 110% protective of her feelings when getting involved with a man. I'm not trying to lay into you or sound harsh but I, too, am a single mom with three kids and at a very young age (I was a teen mom) I learned that these men will come and go. It's such a terrible mistake to just bring a man into your home and have him play the role of 'daddy'. You need to start by correcting this for your daughter's sake. Does she know who her daddy is? Does she get to spend time with him? If her father isn't involved in her life she still has the right to know about him and who he is. Only she should be allowed to opportunity to decide who she calls dad; the suggestion should never EVER be given to her.

Now, as far as what to do with your cheating boyfriend. You have a couple of choices: First being that you can continue to be in denial that they aren't having an affair b/c they don't sound like they've slept together and you can just keep living like this = misery. Or you can confess that you've been spying on him and tell him all you've heard. You know he's probably going to immediately hit the defensive mode and turn this around on you cuz you shouldn't have been snooping like that. When he takes this approach you need to remain stedfast. Do not let him guilt you into accepting what he has been doing as alright. It is up to you whether or not you want to work through this with him. I realize you are taking into consideration your daughter's relationship with him and the relationship you have with his family and his family with you. But none of that really matters if he's being deceiptful. If you want to come out of this situation on top, you need to leave him and don't look back. You need to be strong for the sake of your little girl. She needs you to make the best decisions for her. And so far you haven't done that and now look what is happening. Do you see what I am saying?

I wish you luck with this and I feel for you. I've been cheated on horribly by my kids' dad (I got to actually hear them together....very wrong!) so I know just how this is devastating you. Please do what is best for you and your daughter.

Edited to add: I completely forgot to mention one important thing: Why did you feel compelled to get his pw and check up on him in the first place? What has been going on previous to this to raise your suspicions?


Edited 4/25/2004 12:31 pm ET ET by bluemarlin_girl

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:16pm
"WE ARE BOTH VERY MATURE FOR OUR AGES."

Then have a talk with him and stop playing games. Do the mature thing and tell him about your fears of being cheated. Do the right thing for your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:51pm
::AND I FEEL BETRAYED,

You have been betrayed. He's spending time with another woman whether or not they have had sex yet.

::AND I FEEL LIKE HES NOT WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS.

He's not. He's a liar and a cheater. Being deceptive, not being honest with you.

::WHAT SHOULD I DO ??

What do you want to do? If you don't confront the issue now that you know, he's going to continue with his behavior because he can (and because he likes this woman's attention) and you are going to continue to check up on him and be miserable.

You deserve better, you have to be willing to kick him out of your life. Don't fall for lip service and promises. If he wants to work it out with you, you hold all the cards - that means no more contact with the other woman and couple's counseling for the two of you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 2:47pm
DUMP HIS CHEATING BUTT TO THE CURB AND QUIT TALKING TO HIM, QUIT WRITING TO HIM, QUIT SEEING HIM, QUIT DATING HIM, QUIT LIVING WITH HIM, QUIT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM.

IF YOU KEEP SEEING HIM AFTER THIS, KNOWING FULL WELL ABOUT THE CHEATING, THAN YOU ARE BEING STUPID AND HURTFUL TO YOURSELF AND YOUR PRECIOUS CHILD.

YOU ARE A PRECIOUS PERSON AND DESERVE A MAN WHO LOVES YOU FULLY AND WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU OR CHEAT ON YOU.