Help-he's not ready...what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Help-he's not ready...what to do
4
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi there-

I met a great guy at work last year and while I wasn't initially wanting to get involved, he pursued me quite fervently. To make a long story short, as we spent more time together and I got to know him, I began to really fall (for the first time for me...which makes this even more complicated).

He is in the process of getting divorced (almost done) and also has a lot of stress going on with work as our company recently downsized and although he's still safe, there is not much stability right now.

He make it pretty clear that he had really fallen for me and that he cared (a lot) and has really backed off as of late. Its quite difficult as we are/were a really good match and we are both quite intelligent and quirky and neither of us are big daters so that's saying a lot. That said, I'm feeling like at least for the time being, I need to move on. Waiting, and not communicating while he's dealing with all the change in his life is taking a big toll on me and while I absolutely understand that he's not in a place to pursue a realtionship right now, it still hurts. Especially as he's the first guy I've fallen in love with.

I guess my question is this...what do I do. We still talk occasionally, he just bought me a really nice Christmas gift and we have spoken about taking a class together next month. I still am totally interested, but also feel like I need someone who is emotionally available. Its clear that he's not.

Should I talk to him about this? I'm still interested in dating in the future when his life calms down and of course want to remain friends in the interim, as I truly care so much about him.

I'm so confused...and this hurts a lot. That said, I don't want to waste a year sitting here pining away for him. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and I haven't dated a lot...and maybe I need to try.

I don't know.

Help.

Many thanks...

*LostinSpace13*

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:23pm

It sounds llike he is a great guy, but for obvious reasons, rightly doesnt feel as if he can contribute to the relationship.As awesome as it is to have this guy being totally upfront and honest, your right, it hurts alot. The only thing i can tell you is to hang in there.There will be good days and there will be the dreaded bad, sometimes making you feel the outnumber the good. Let him know that you care for him, and will be here, but not forever.And dont be. Hopefully he comes to his senses and everything comes together the way you want it too. If not, his loss. You must think of it that way because its the truth.Good luck,


 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:36pm

Many experts believe that a person needs a year from the date they got *divorced* (not separated) before they are ready to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:48pm
I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there. He was going through a divorce when I met him and had we met a year or more later things would have been different. But one day he freaked out and left me. He hadn't had time to recover from the pain of the divorce (she cheated on him with his coworker). It is a much longer story and he wound up proposing to me about 6 months after he left me ( it was too late) but the fact was that he wasn't ready no matter how well we got along.

The best thing you can do is let it go. If you can handle being friends (think long and hard about that) then do so, but try to move on and date others and get busy.

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 5:29pm
I agree with Sheri and just gotta add.... this really, really bothers me:

:: met a great guy at work last year and while I wasn't initially wanting to get involved, he pursued me quite fervently. To make a long story short, as we spent more time together and I got to know him, I began to really fall (for the first time for me...which makes this even more complicated).

::He is in the process of getting divorced (almost done) and also has a lot of stress going on with work as our company recently downsized and although he's still safe, there is not much stability right now.

So when he met and pursued you he was MARRIED as in unavailable, but pursued you anyway?


Carrie