Help, how do I extract my ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Help, how do I extract my ex?
1
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:25pm
Hi, if anyone could help me with some wise advice I would really appreciate it. For six years almost I have lived with a guy. This past year we moved to the city, and since then we've broken up but are stuck in a one-year lease together. Although he paid the rent for over a year in the past while I did almost nothing in a state of depression, I have paid for almost everything this year, not just my half, but almost all, and the rent here is twice as much, so I feel I've paid my dues for the past. I like to shop, and I don't mind using credit. Like many women, I enjoy having pretty clothes, lots of shoes, and makeup, and I am just coming into my own, at almost 26, about expressing my identity through fashion. I've always been a shopper but it used to be books more than looks. He doesn't like all this spending, because he worries about money a lot, and he has trouble making money as he struggles to build his own business. But I don't spend his money, I spend mine, and we are broken up. Last week when I refused to log into my American Express and show him what "we" owed (on my card that I pay!), he became extremely agitated and after a couple hours of consistent fear-tactics he succeeded into bullying me into logging in, and admitting that I had bought some makeup and shoes in addition to the household bills I normally use the card for. He became very angry because I "lied"-- He had previously scared me into saying "okay" to his demand that I stop buying things. He continues to become angry when he sees me shopping online. I repeatedly try to tell him that I am a single adult now, and it's not his place to judge my spending decisions. He talks about "intervention" ("I'll tell your parents how you shop, your mom shops at Goodwill, what will she say if she knows you buy things new?"), calls me shallow ("You already own like FOUR PAIRS of shoes, why do you need even more, you only need one pair, they're shoes!"), and harps on me and tries to frighten me. I keep on being myself anyway, but it is kind of scary. He says even though we broke up, I still owe him some respect because of the past, and I do respect his right to live however he wants, but I don't think that should have to extend to me not making him worry about MY financial concerns. I suppose he would like some of my money to make up for the past, so he hates to see it go on things he would "never" buy. He is not completely terrible, he still does lots of little things for like he might wash my work clothes if I am too tired and I need them, or he might offer to make me dinner if I spend all day writing a paper for school. But I have to live with him for three more months, and the little packages are going to keep trickling in the mail and will have to be hid from him, at least until he demands my new AMEX password and checks to see what my new balance is and becomes angrier and angrier. I am scared and I don't know how to deal with this situation. I can't leave and I can't kick him out and he won't treat me like an adult, and when I demand financial privacy and the right to enjoy my purchases instead of having to hide them in fear, he gets really scary upset. Please advise! Thanks,

Nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:40pm
Personally, you are broken up and it's none of his business what you spend your money on.... if he gets upset when seeing YOUR bill, ask him point blank, what are you really angry about? Why do you want to control me though we are broken up? I pay my fair share of bills right? Refuse to discuss it. He's not your 'father.'

On the other hand, if it's only for 3 months, as a test for yourself, can you not buy something for that time?


Carrie