Help! I Don't Know What to Do....
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| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 10:06pm |
Last year (March '06), I met my partner on an internet dating site. He's a wonderful, affectionate and loving person. I love him so much, and he tells me daily how much he loves me. The only problem is his internet preditoriness. After meeting last year and entering into a manogomous relationship, he continued his profile on several dating sites. Upon being caught, he said he would stop, but I caught him a second time.
One day, while using his computer to check my Yahoo messages, I found him still logged into Yahoo. When his mail opened, I saw several emails with very bewildering titles. So, the curious person that I am (because of the lack of trust that I now have in him), I began reading them. The emails were recent, and from women he met on the internet. He promised me it was nothing -- just simply entertainment.
He is a homocide detective in a major city and works extremely long hours. We have a good sex life, and I usually know where he is all the time. When I call his cell phone, he always answers and ends the call with "I love you". So, him cheating (except on the internet) has not been a major concern of mine.
However, his PC recently crashed. I tried to repair it but didn't have the diagnostic software to analyze the problem. I took it to a friend who repaired it. When I returned the PC to his home and setup it up, I inadvertently knocked his phone book on the floor. When I picked it up, I saw 7-8 pornographic websites written on the back cover. Becoming curious, I started searching through his phone book finding one female's email address/phone number after another. I then ran across what appeared to be his Yahoo mail and Yahoo Personals login ID and password. So, I logged into his mail and again found recent emails from women on the internet. Additionally, I found very provocative photos of women showing their private areas, along with a reply that he sent to one the women stating how sexually enticed he was after seeing her pictures. Frustrated and hurt, I DELETED his Yahoo email account as well as his Yahoo Personals account.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Hi anyardier and welcome to the board.
Sounds like what you found by accident is now spiraling out of control.
He and I both are 49 y/o. You would think at our age we would be beyond this. I love this man so much – more than anyone I have ever loved. You are correct. Leaving and moving on is the best thing because of the distrust I have developed in him over the past year, and his thoughtlessness. Distrust is not an easy thing to overcome. If I stay, somewhere in the back of my mind I will always wonder, and I will always remember the hurt and the anger.
I’ve been married twice, and have been in several other long-term relationships over my lifetime. Never once have I ever been confronted with such a situation. I’m an attractive women, particularly for my age. I have never had a problem finding a man – just the right man. This is not to say that having a man is a requirement in my life. However, having someone to love that loves you back, that you enjoy being with, and you see a future together, can be a very pleasurable and comforting thing.
Deleting his email account was done out of hurt and anger. I’m not a vindictive person in any way. If so, I could have done much damage inside his home, as I was there by myself when I discovered the emails. I simply took my belongings, left a note on his computer outlining his pervertiness, left printouts of what I found on his keyboard, and I left.
I cried so hard driving home that evening, I almost caused a car accident. My heart hurt so bad, and it still hurts. It’s as if I can actually feel the pain of a broken heart. It wasn’t until I got home that I logged into his account and deleted it. It was done out of anger and hurt. And, Yes, I was wrong!!
The next day I received the following email from him, which stated:
PLEASE READ AND DON'T RESPOND............
This perverted BASTARD will always love you. I will get your money to you ASAP! I WILL NOT call you or bother you again. I will mail your money and the key to your car to you............LIKEWISE this perverted BASTARD DOES NOT WANT TO SEE YOU OR COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AGAIN.......One thing I can say is that I never cheated on you..............THANKS FOR INVADING MY PRIVACY....I would have NEVER done that to you.......
He's really a wonderful person, and father to his 7 y/o son. Everyone loves him, he's everyone's friend, and would do absolutely anything in the world for anyone. When I first encountered him remaining on dating sites, he promised he would get off. The second time, he happened to send a 'flirt' to a friend of mine on a dating site. She knew of him, but he didn't know her. It was very embarassing and hard to explain. He assured me he only does this for entertainment purposes, but again promised to remove his profile when I threatened to leave. I then created a private email address to search many of the sites for his profile. Fortunately, I didn't find his profile, but I apparently failed to check Yahoo Personals (dumb me). One day, when I inadvertently opened his email because he was still logged in, I was again confronted with the fact that he still had a profile somewhere. After threatening to leave again, he showed me the profile (on some obscure website), and he deleted it while I was standing there. Thinking I was done with this addiction, I am AGAIN confronted with this.
I'm a very strong women, and have little tolerance for crap from men. For this reason, I'm quick to leave a relationship. Fortunately, I have never had to deal with cheating men until him (or at least I never caught them), so I'm just not sure how to handle it.
The decision that I have made is to leave -- not only the relationship but the State of Michigan where I live. I'm not leaving the state because of him. I'm leaving because of the economy, as it's been a long overdue decision for some time. The only reason I stayed was because of him. He has many years on the force, and will be retiring soon. We were going to marry, then leave Michigan once he retired.
The other reason I've decided to leave him is because he drinks too much. I drink to be social. His drinking has become an obsession with his co-workers. He is a homocide detective, and encounters horrible situations on a daily basis. I'm sure this is likely the cause of his obsessive drinking, but my father was an alcoholic and they truly scare me. Fortunately, he's not an abuser, but who is to say that he may not one day become one.