Help! I screwed up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Help! I screwed up!
6
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:09pm

My boyfriend & I were "on a break". We both agreed we weren't going to see other people. We were supposed to "start fresh" next week.

But, I screwed up. I was drinking & met a friend of a friend. He was cute & seemed interested. At the end of the evening I tried calling my boyfriend. He hit ignore on his phone. I then texted my girlfriend & said "Hey. Can you give D my number if he's interested? S is being an -ss". Trouble is, I accidentally sent that to the boyfriend.

He has now broke up with me & is not taking my calls. He sees this as cheating. I don't! I tried explaining it. That I didnt know where he & I stood & I thought this guy was cute. Had we NOT been on a break this wouldn't be an issue. I have not, nor would I EVER cheat. I just slipped up. Any ideas on how to make this better? BF is overly sensitive about this. He even told me last night "Why wouldn't you cheat? Every other girl I've ever dated has cheated". So, he's automatically lumping me in with those girls...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:17pm

Welcome to the board graciecat78,


Well I have to say that I side with your bf on this. No you didn't cheat, however, the intent to was there in black and white. Look at this from his perspective. You accidently sent him a text saying...""Hey. Can you give D my number if he's interested? S is being an -ss". " So for all your bf knows if you had sent this to your friend and D would have called you then you would have gotten together with him even though the two of you had decided not to see any one else while you were on the break. He has the proof of what your intentions were. Sorry.


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:24pm

You can't make it better, your ex just can't see that any woman would treat him differently than all the others he's known. He is convinced that he's going to be cheated on. This is his problem, and he is the one who has to work it out. It's too bad that he isn't open to talking and working it through, but if he were open in that way, you probably wouldn't have been on a break in the first place.


It seems best now to accept what has happened and move on. Make sure you are with someone who doesn't feel doomed. When we feel doom we usually find a way to make it happen.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:44pm
WEll, I would probably feel the same way. Put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel? You might need to just let this one go...or try and get him in person to explain what happened, but that doesn't mean he is going to be okay with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:16am

There are two separate issues here: what you did, and how he sees it.

Although I agree with the poster on the other board who said that "taking a break" is lame, you did agree to it, and to the terms associated with it. You did not adhere to those terms, and you're justifying it by calling it a "slip-up." The only slip-up was sending the message to the wrong person; if D had asked you for your number, you would have given it to him willingly, and your boyfriend would not have known. That is the first step on the slippery slope of cheating. The fact that you didn't slide all the way to the bottom is the result of lack of opportunity and the misdirected message.

Your boyfriend's view of what you did is colored by his perception, which may not even be accurate, that all his previous girlfriends have cheated on him. This break may have been a test he was setting you to see if you could be faithful--he may have been trying to catch you in behavior he would regard as unacceptable. This part of the situation is all him. He expects infidelity, and is on the look out for it. If the two of you married and had a family, his insecurity would not ease--in fact, it might get even worse. This is something he has to work on himself; there is no way you can provide him with a sense of security that has to arise from within himself.

I agree with all the posters who are telling you that this was NOT a match made in heaven. Move on, learn from the experience, and give your number to anyone you wish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:00pm

To further explain:

We’ve only been dating about 3 months. The reason for our break was because of our fighting. We kept fighting because I found out he was still married while he was dating me. He acted like he was divorced. He played ignorant & “didn’t realize” the divorce wasn’t final yet. Supposedly, there was a problem with the payment to his lawyer. Once he paid off the lawyer his divorce was final a few days later. After this drama was the dating sites. He was a member of about 5 different dating services. (He paid for 3 of them). He kept them all active while dating me. (Eventhough, we were exclusive). He supposedly never visited them while he was with me. I asked them to delete them & he said “I have no idea where this relationship is going. I paid for a full year. I do not want to lose out on that money in case this relationship doesn’t work out”. I managed to give him the benefit of the doubt. I cared about him & wanted this to work.

We decided we cared enough about each other & had enough in common to want to try this. We realized we kind of hopped right into the relationship & we didn’t really become friends first. Thus, we came up with the break idea. I usually do not agree with the break attempt either. But, in our instance this seemed valid & necessary.

I do not agree with most of these responses because I know myself. I know I am not a cheater. I know that even if “D” called me I would not have seen him that night. I believe the only reason I wanted the number was “just in case”. It sounds awful. But, afterall, I am the one that came up with the break idea. My BF just went along with it. In the back of my mind I was always doubting if he was really in this at all.

Given the fact that he was STILL married, had active dating profiles up, etc is why I am having the worst time with him seeing MY side of things. He seems a bit hypocritic.

I say all of this, yet I still want the guy...Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:06am
Oh gosh, Gracie, you're setting yourself up for major heartache, staying with this guy. This early in the relationship, he should be doing his best to impress you, but he entered the relationship with you under false pretenses, he's already started lying, he's keeping his profiles up on the dating sites, and you fight a lot. He has no respect for you, and no concern for your feelings. Rather than all of his previous girlfriends cheating on him, what you're saying makes it sound as if he probably cheated on THEM. There's nothing to work on here. Let him go, and start seeing someone with a sense of integrity.