Help , before I strangle my spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Help , before I strangle my spouse
7
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 2:44pm

I have an question to ask males and females both.


How in the world do you get your spouse to do their share of the household chores ?


My example is my husband, for allmost an year now he has been telling me, "I really want to do more to help around the house, and I will as soon as I get caught up with all my stuff, I really worry that I don't help enough "


The deal here is that he is retired, does online tech support for his daughter (does not get paid for it ) has an non profit web site that he does as an hobby, likes to do woodwork, ect. I help do the yard work, gardening, cook 98% of the meals and we both pay the bills, no children to take care of, we share the responsibilities of the pet. He has said that I should tell him when I need / want help, but I have reminded him that it is not my responsibility to tell another adult when the trash needs taken out, dishes done, house cleaned, ect. So how do I get him to do what he says he will ? Do I stop doing anything other than what I want and feel like I have time for as I feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 6:10pm
well, he told you what to do...tell him you need help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 2:47am

Take into consideration that he may not see the jobs that need to be done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 3:45am

Welcome to the board lynn19611961,


You have to ask, even if it's daily.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 4:25pm

What's wrong with this picture? Of course he should pitch in and do what is needed, especially if you are working full time and he's at home with that kind of schedule. If he doesn't it borders on being abuse towards you. You are not his mother or servant. He's got to grow up and take on his share of responsibility in the house. If he can't see this, or won't, then the question is why are you accepting this kind of treatment? Get yourself some good therapy, because obviously there are many issues here in this long ingrained pattern. There are strong feelings and after years of marriage the two of you are locked in a dance. You need some professional help now to break these patterns.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 8:17am

I don't know if I agree with Dr. Shoshanna, about the abuse part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 12:20pm

Hi Lynn,

I had to smile when I read your post. You received some good advice here. I have discussions with my husband about dishes. I personally hate to wash dishes. Would creating a schedule help? He does the dishes on Mon - Wed- Fri etc. If he agrees to the schedule then you can gently remind him that it is his night for dishes. I have noticed how my husband and I think about things differently at times. For example, you interpret the fact that he does not automatically do these chores as him not wanting to help - he on the other hand has offered to help. My suggestion - make a schedule of chores together and post it somewhere so you both can see it!

All the best,

Donna Deming, Life Coach http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net/blog/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 4:41pm

He has said that I should tell him when I need / want help... when you ask/tell him you need/want help, does he gladly pitch in and get busy?